Members VladM Posted April 16, 2014 Members Share Posted April 16, 2014 Felt your pain, felt your love I know what you're speaking of Sunsets bring screaming dreams Let's talk it over wine Felt the day shake and sway Hope you never go away Take a ride, come inside Either one is fine Take a look, write a book 'Bout the ways that your life shook Pages bring some relief so does death it seems Let's make haste to the place Where some heaven we may taste The words you write will later Flicker in my dreams If I'm shy please don't mind I just haven't had the time To sort out what feels right But this feels good to me When the day turns to night We will count the satellites And then sneak kisses Neath the weeping moon In the guise of your eyes Time will surely stop its flight Warm my blood til you make December feel like June Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 22, 2014 Members Share Posted April 22, 2014 Hey Vlad--Not sure why no one's reviewed this, seems to have slipped through the cracks. I really like the tumbling, rambling, vibe of the music. It sounds like English may be a second language for you - if so, bravo, these are nice 'sing-able' lyrics. Some wonderful images: The words you write will later / Flicker in my dreams," "When the day turns to night / We will count the satellites" My criticism is that I can't really tell what is going on, so it's hard for me to get invested in either of you (you or the person you are singing to). The lines all sound nice, and they rhyme, but after a while it feel like a series of images without a theme. There's nothing specific for me to hold onto. (Part of that is that there is no structure: no verses, no choruses.) But also...what are you trying to say? Hopefully this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Foose31 Posted April 23, 2014 Members Share Posted April 23, 2014 Sounds alot like Bob Dylan. I like it how the song flows but I gotta agree with mb, I don't understand the song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 23, 2014 Members Share Posted April 23, 2014 Some nice visual images here, like counting the satellites. The tune is too repetitious for me though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 24, 2014 Moderators Share Posted April 24, 2014 I listened to this a couple days ago and got busy so I wanted to come back. First off, I really like the way you put words together. I agree they should come together to make a unified point, story or point of view, and they don't right now. But your wordsmithing is undeniable. Find your favorite bits and figure out what it is you're saying. Then focus more on that message. You gotta have a point... But you've got something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 24, 2014 Members Share Posted April 24, 2014 OK here's my idea: take the last 2 stanzas. That's your chorus. Change the music for here, go to the minor VI. Slow down the melody so it's longer, smoother (a real change). Land hard on the last line, make it pop melodically. Then repeat the words "you make December feel like June" at the end to hammer home the title. Insert this chorus throughout the track after every two stanzas. Done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 24, 2014 Members Share Posted April 24, 2014 I concur with Lee's concurrence with Martin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 24, 2014 Moderators Share Posted April 24, 2014 Yes! ^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 25, 2014 Members Share Posted April 25, 2014 Martin's answer is a good one. Not these words, but something like this as an example chorus: No time or place could slow our paceBut winter's chill came too soonTake off your glove and warm my bloodUntil we make December feel like June Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 25, 2014 Members Share Posted April 25, 2014 Martin's answer is a good one. Not these words, but something like this as an example chorus: No time or place could slow our pace But winter's chill came too soon Take off your glove and warm my blood Until we make December feel like June Nice. I'd find a replacement for "blood" though. Maybe Take off your glove and warm my hand (or cheek) ... or something less ... well, bloody... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 25, 2014 Members Share Posted April 25, 2014 I just took Vlad's original lines and added to them: Warm my blood til you make December feel like June Maybe, with a moniker like Vlad, he likes a bit of blood in his lyric... Regardless - I agree with you - and how about rhyming with 'pace' No time or place could slow our pace But winter's chill came too soon Take off your glove and warm my face 'Til we make December feel like June I have a feeling however, that we are shifting from Vlad's tone, and writing more in our kind of tone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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