Members u6crash Posted November 26, 2003 Members Share Posted November 26, 2003 I'm writing a song about a girl (I know, yawn) and I wonder which of these viewpoints is more interesting. 1.She was just another girl working at the bookstoreBut I found myself shopping there a lot more 2. You were just another girl working at the bookstorebut I found myself shopping there a lot more 3. She was just another girl working at the bookstoreBut you found yourself shopping there a lot more Also, I find the second line here to be a little too predictable. Anyone else agree or have suggestions? I've more or less got the other lyrics down, but it'll undergo lots of tweaking as it's still a work in progress. I just don't want it to turn too ordinary. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members confuseitall Posted November 26, 2003 Members Share Posted November 26, 2003 just another bookstore girl,working the Self-Help sectionsuddenly I found myself a host of new afflictions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members u6crash Posted November 26, 2003 Author Members Share Posted November 26, 2003 Ooh, I have to say I kind of like that. I wish I had come up with something like that. Part of the problem is that I'm remaining too true to the facts, being this is about a particular situation, but I forget that good writing means exaggeration. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members billsworld Posted November 26, 2003 Members Share Posted November 26, 2003 Originally posted by u6crash 3. She was just another girl working at the bookstoreBut you found yourself shopping there a lot more You might try going totally third person, like: She was just another girl working at the bookstoreBut he found himself shopping there a lot more Also, you could try dropping the more off the end of the second line and going with an alternating rhyming pattern, where the third line rhymes with the first, and the fourth rhymes with the second. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members u6crash Posted November 26, 2003 Author Members Share Posted November 26, 2003 I like the idea of the third person, but I'll probably keep the rhyme scheme. I tend to do a lot of ABAB (or ABCB even) rhyme schemes, so I thought I should get away from that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Hackmonkey Posted November 26, 2003 Members Share Posted November 26, 2003 How about, She was working at the bookstore, when she rejected my advances, I burned down the store. You could call it....Burning Books?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Hackmonkey Posted November 27, 2003 Members Share Posted November 27, 2003 or not...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ronbo Posted November 28, 2003 Members Share Posted November 28, 2003 Maybe? Just an ordinary girl at the local bookstoreYet I couldn`t help being there more and more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members J6P Posted November 29, 2003 Members Share Posted November 29, 2003 Or...Seemed just another girl working at the bookstoreFinally figured out why I'm in there more and more. Hard to say without knowing where it goes. But I don't think that if the guy in the song wants to end up with her, he would say she is "just another girl". That's why I went the way I did. Now she's outside the ordininary. She's noticed. Before he hadn't thought of her as an individual, but now she's affecting him, caught his attention in a way he hadn't realized until now. Which seemed to me to be where you wanted to go. If that makes sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GuitarDude Posted November 29, 2003 Members Share Posted November 29, 2003 Originally posted by J6P Or...Seemed just another girl working at the bookstoreFinally figured out why I'm in there more and more.Hard to say without knowing where it goes. But I don't think that if the guy in the song wants to end up with her, he would say she is "just another girl". That's why I went the way I did. Now she's outside the ordininary. She's noticed. Before he hadn't thought of her as an individual, but now she's affecting him, caught his attention in a way he hadn't realized until now. Which seemed to me to be where you wanted to go. If that makes sense. That suggestion gets my vote! -GD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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