Members BondMan007 Posted July 25, 2007 Members Share Posted July 25, 2007 Got To Get AwayGo To Get AwayGo To Get AwayFrom you You appeared in my dream, yet again.When will this madness, ever end?My hormones ragedIn my dreamsI can't help but keep my feelings caged Girl, you polish your nailsBarefoot and allI feel embarassed what I did to you.I feel very very very small Go to Get AwayGot to Get AwayMaybe I'll get away from youMaybe Someday Why, oh whyDid it have to happen to me?I've gone very crazyCan't you see? Got to get AwayGot to get Away Got to get AwayGot to get away I dream about you day and nightBut I wouldn't mind it if you left my sightI know what I did wasn't rightBut your hand squeezed my heart tight Got to get awayGot to get awayMaybe you'll go awayMaybe someday Got to get away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dubb Posted July 25, 2007 Members Share Posted July 25, 2007 If I personally mail you a cheap microphone, then will you record this stuff in song form? If you have no intention of doing anything like that.... there are poetry/lyric communities around... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tamoore Posted July 25, 2007 Members Share Posted July 25, 2007 If I personally mail you a cheap microphone, then will you record this stuff in song form? If you have no intention of doing anything like that.... there are poetry/lyric communities around... Hey man... Lyrics are more than cool here. They're a big part of songwriting.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tamoore Posted July 25, 2007 Members Share Posted July 25, 2007 The only comment I'd make on these lyrics is that outside of musical context, they appear a bit cliche. IMO, Cliche works in some musical arrangements, but it's hard to judge their effectiveness outside of the musical framework..... You appeared in my dream, yet again.When will this madness, ever end?My hormones ragedIn my dreamsI can't help but keep my feelings caged Here in this verse as an example, you're telling us how you feel but you're not showing us why you feel what you do. That leaves me detached from the song. Try to write from a perspective that you're telling a story.. Let your listener know why this girl is in your dreams, and why you're conflicted about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members desertSandy90 Posted July 26, 2007 Members Share Posted July 26, 2007 sounds like it was written by a 12 yr old Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted July 26, 2007 Members Share Posted July 26, 2007 sounds like it was written by a 12 yr oldSo do some of my favorite songs, probably, to someone. What might be more helpful would be if maybe you were to offer some constructive criticism, some insight into why and how the song does or doesn't work for you. Then, maybe BondMan could hone his skills a little more or at least have a better informed opinion as to how his songs are reaching people. That's how we try to do it here. cheers _______ PS to BondMan007 -- I think it's great that you're writing so much and sharing with us and I know you otherwise seem to be a man of few words -- but don't forget, a collegial community is formed by two way communications. The occasional sideshot notwithstanding, people may be more inclined to take the time to give constructive comment on your songs if they see you trying to do the same for other folks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted July 26, 2007 Members Share Posted July 26, 2007 PS to BondMan007 -- I think it's great that you're writing so much and sharing with us and I know you otherwise seem to be a man of few words -- but don't forget, a collegial community is formed by two way communications. The occasional sideshot notwithstanding, people may be more inclined to take the time to give constructive comment on your songs if they see you trying to do the same for other folks. Not only that, but thinking about songs that you *aren't* emotionally involved in is a good way to clarify what is important to you in your own songs. Every carpenter takes a good hard look at a bunch of other houses (both the ones that are standing and the ones that have collapsed on their foundation), and a songwriter should be no different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members desertSandy90 Posted July 27, 2007 Members Share Posted July 27, 2007 So do some of my favorite songs, probably, to someone.What might be more helpful would be if maybe you were to offer some constructive criticism, some insight into why and how the song does or doesn't work for you.Then, maybe BondMan could hone his skills a little more or at least have a better informed opinion as to how his songs are reaching people.That's how we try to do it here.cheers_______PS to BondMan007 -- I think it's great that you're writing so much and sharing with us and I know you otherwise seem to be a man of few words -- but don't forget, a collegial community is formed by two way communications. The occasional sideshot notwithstanding, people may be more inclined to take the time to give constructive comment on your songs if they see you trying to do the same for other folks. gee... what are you? the criticism police? get over yourself. it's pretty hard to say whether the song works or doesn't work when he doesn't even have the song up for anyone to listen to... the only thing i have to go by are these suck arse lyrics... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dubb Posted July 27, 2007 Members Share Posted July 27, 2007 gee... what are you? the criticism police? get over yourself.Sort of. He's the moderator of this forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted July 27, 2007 Members Share Posted July 27, 2007 it's pretty hard to say whether the song works or doesn't work when he doesn't even have the song up for anyone to listen to... the only thing i have to go by are these suck arse lyrics... It's super that you don't like the lyrics, but there's no point in cruelty. If you feel it's necessary to comment, at least justify your position. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members samkristy2 Posted July 27, 2007 Members Share Posted July 27, 2007 Hard to tell by the lyrics alone if this could be a decent song. I really don't understand the words at all. What did he do that was so bad, and what does it have to do with her painting her nails, barefoot and all. It's confusing. Now some songs can be confusing and still rock, like Glycerine and Smells Like Teen Spirit and such, but others can be confusing and NOT rock. I'd have to hear the melody to judge this one better.sam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted July 28, 2007 Members Share Posted July 28, 2007 Sort of. He's the moderator of this forum. I like to think of myself as the guy they put in charge (at no pay, I should think goes without saying) of deleting sports shoe and cell phone spam. And I think I'm doing a reasonable job. What I said above, I said as a forum member, and it is precisely what I would say (and have said previously) in that capacity. But lemme just do a sidebar riff on the whole mod thing, here, as I see it. This forum was moderator-less for some time (not sure how long) when I started frequenting it and I liked it because most folks here really are collegial and supportive. It can take A LOT OF GUTS for someone just starting out as a songrwiter (or even who's been doing it for years) to post his lyrics and/or his music and ask for comments and criticism. And though guys like me are pretty much made out of iron when it comes to that stuff (I've been writing for 3 decades) -- others are considerably more vulnerable, particularly when they're starting out or perhaps moving into a new genre or using new techniques. It's for that reason that I like to encourage the continued air of constructive criticism, cooperation and collegiality in my writing here as an individual forum member. I don't know if we'll ever see DesertSandy again but I'd like to try to welcome him here to the community and ask him to bring his own efforts in for constructive criticism. We do welcome your thoughts, Sandy, but we'd like to see them in a form that can help both the songwriter who's submitted his work for critique as well as the rest of us who may learn something from the roundtable discussion. If that sounds boring, I can assure you there are much livelier, wilder, free-wheeling, almost-anything-goes forums here at HC and I'm sure you'd find like minds in one or more of them. Different forums here have different focuses and different approaches. I like the diversity that can give -- but I can certainly see why someone straying in from the Open Jam forum would think this or some other more focused forums are boring. Compared to that near free-for-all, they are. But sometimes it's boring getting work done. I'd no sooner go over to OJ and spew my smarmy spiel of cooperation, collegiality. and work ethic there than I'd like to see someone come in trolling for a fight, here. I, myself, am no stranger to internet brawls (you should have caught me arguing politics at the heyday of the MySpace political forum) but this is not the place for that. (And, of course, a mod is like a referee. You can throw a guy out of the ring -- but taking a swing at him is bad form.) On the getting over myself thing. Yeah... I've heard that one, before. I'm not saying I don't consider myself a being in continual growth and evolution -- but at this late stage in life, I mostly know pretty much who I am, good and bad. So don't expect any big changes overnight. But advice heard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mikesr1963 Posted July 30, 2007 Members Share Posted July 30, 2007 Work on the first verse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.