New Song - To The Letter

[samuraiBSD]

Well you guys haven't seen much of me lately. I was trying to get a song out the door, but I'm having issues with drums, so while that gets worked out, I had the idea for a new one. Messed up trying to play one song and got an interesting group of chords for a new one. I have a rough edit and lyrics up. Keep in mind that the chord progression isn't 100% correct in this version of the lyrics/tab-like thing. I don't know exactly how many times I hit those chords, but whatever. I apologize for being a hack at guitar . The final version will have distortion. If you're wondering, the lisp is because I was hit by a car recently and it knocked out my front teeth, so making "s" and "th" sounds is kind of hard right now ...any (constructive) feedback is welcome! Thanks all!

 

[verse riff = (0-2-2-x-x-x), (x-2-4-4-x-x), (x-3-5-5-x-x), (3-5-5-x-x-x), (x-3-5-5-x-x), (0-2-2-x-x-x)]

 

[intro=(3-5-5-x-x-x) x8, (x-5-7-7-x-x) x8, (x-3-5-5-x-x) x8, (x-2-x-4-x-x) x4, (0-2-2-x-x-x)]

 

[chorus = (3-5-5-x-x-x) x16, (x-5-7-7-x-x) x8, (x-3-5-5-x-x) x16]

To The Letter

[intro]

 

Last time I

saw you I

Was looking up from the floor

Last time I

saw the sky

Was right after falling out the door

 

[intro]

 

Last time I

Saw stars I

Felt like I was drinking rum and coke

Last time I

went low I

heard ocean water every time you spoke

 

Chorus:

You told me I'd get better

You told me as you cried

You told me to the letter

But damn, it looks like I died

 

[intro]

 

Last time I

saw you I

Was looking up from the floor

Last time I

saw the sky

Was right after falling out the door

 

[chrous] x2

 

[intro]

end on 0-0-2

[samuraiBSD]

nothing? I know it's only been a day, but I'm kind of excited about this one

[bhutos]

 

nothing? I know it's only been a day, but I'm kind of excited about this one

 

 

 

I kinda like the verses, they built up a bit of tension, it's just the chorus hook that needs beefing up for a proper release after all the stop/start of the verse. A bit of shouting wouldn't go astray and a couple note lead riff.

Maybe try increasing the range of the chorus notes.. jimmy another octave in there.. or start it higher so theres a bit of a conrast with the verse. It's punky.. don't be afraid of a bit of bubble gum. Nirvana were one of the poppiest bands arond, they just hid it with distortion and screaming.

[blue2blue]

I think you've got something here. The music has an insistent pop hookiness and the structure -- the terseness and punch -- of the lyrics fits that -- but the content of the lyrics is a lot darker, which gives it a dynamic tension that I like

 

It's not too hard to imagine these lyrics and chords hooked into a hard charging rhythm section and forming a rockin' little personal anthem of young love and heartbreak.

 

Though the performance is kind of tentative, there's a rough little gem of a song, here. It shows growing songwriting craftmanship and an emerging sense of the hook. Keep it coming! More playing and singing so you can deliver your songs convincingly and -- as always -- more writing.

[bhutos]

^^ what he said too.

[blue2blue]

You know, I was fooling around with my with this on my acoustic guitar and I found it was really tricky playing the chords you're playing under the melody and I was wondering what it might be like with the same melody but a simplified chord thing under it. Now, I mean, I kind of hear what you're going for there, I think, almost an asymetric all and response... but I guess my brain just thinks in simplified terms... LOL

[samuraiBSD]

wow, thanks guys. I think I have a better idea of where this is going now that I can see more of that it lacks. The idea of screams seems appealing. Thanks again to both of you!

 

oh yeah, blue2blue. What kind of simplification are you thinking? I just pulled that progression out of my ass, so it might not be the best suited to the melody I have working. Anything you can fill in for me would help a lot...this song's difficult for me to play and sing at the same time as it is...

[blue2blue]

Well... I was able to pretty much do the melody over a single ascending thing:

 

Em - B5 - C5 - B5

 

(I plugged your chord fingerings into SW forum semi-regular Eddie Boston's Chord Designer to get those spellings. I'm kind of a dummy about that stuff, being musically preterliterate.)

 

So maybe something like:

 

Em

Last time I

B5

saw you

C5

I Was looking

B5

up from the floor

 

You might have to tinker a little, of course.

[samuraiBSD]

i'm on my way to bed now, but I'll check that out in the morning. That very well could be a much better choice than the complicated-ish stuff I was doing. Thanks for the help!

[eagle1]

Hi.

 

I really think that if you speed up the song you could finish with a cool sounding pop/punk song. As it is right now it really reminds me of something Blink 182 or Saves the Day would do (I do like both bands). In fact, this song kind of reminded me of

 

Saves the Day - The Way his Collar Falls.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Ups-Downs-Early-Recordings-B-Sides/dp/B0002JUVZS/ref=pd_bbs_8?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1195838393&sr=8-8

 

(Song 8)

 

I think it shows promise!

Now I want to hear the final version!

[ido1957]

I agree with blue2blue - you have the beginnings of a good tune... I would look into the following:

1) tune that guitar. It could also be intonation that needs attention.

2) use a metronome. For consistent tempo/rhythm

3) raise the key. It will make you work a little harder on the vocals, give it some flavor and take away some of that droning monotone sound.

[blue2blue]

I think Eagle's got a point on the tempo -- I meant to mention that I thought it should speed up some. ido1957 has some good thinking points, too. Although I think I'd just jump to the chase and get a drum loop or drum sequence or drum machine in there.

 

Coming up I could never really get into the metronome groove -- but there was someting so elemental (and easy to follow) in a four on the floor kick and a 2 and 4 snare... working with a drum machine really helped my time. (Which I had precious little sense of, starting out.)

[samuraiBSD]

 

I agree with blue2blue - you have the beginnings of a good tune... I would look into the following: 1) tune that guitar. It could also be intonation that needs attention. 2) use a metronome. For consistent tempo/rhythm 3) raise the key. It will make you work a little harder on the vocals, give it some flavor and take away some of that droning monotone sound.

 

 

1)Guitar's in tune, but since it's new, I do need to have it set up professionally...I'm only so good at it.

 

2)I hate metronomes.

 

3)If you read the original post, you'll see why singing's not easy...I'm trying to keep the lisp to a minimum and let me tell you, it ain't easy.

[Golden Hello]

I took one listen to your song -- nice job. I think the verse has a good pop feel to it, with enough repetition in the melody to give the listener something memorable and catchy. To my ear, though, the chorus might benefit from trying to make it contrast more with the verse. The melody lines in both the verse & the chorus seem to follow the same arching pattern -- starting low, going higher, falling again -- and it started to sound a little repetitive by the end. Interesting imagery with the lyrics.

[blue2blue]

1)Guitar's in tune, but since it's new, I do need to have it set up professionally...I'm only so good at it. 2)I hate metronomes. 3) If you read the original post, you'll see why singing's not easy...I'm trying to keep the lisp to a minimum and let me tell you, it ain't easy.

[bold added]

 

I had somehow missed this element of the backstory.

 

OUCH!@#!!

I'd say, given that given, that your efforts here approach the heroic!