Members myredshoes Posted March 4, 2008 Members Share Posted March 4, 2008 I resist the urge to paint youface down and fast asleepwhite pillows white blanketacross your back a bit of white sheetpale breast curving out from your ribsturning underneathand the curving fine white apex of isosceles unconscious a careless gift of beautyI dare not wonder what you dreamI only watch you fade away someday soon you will bemaking him breakfast, choosing his tiepour him his coffee, kiss him goodbyeand me, I won't be painting from memory in the fields you walked beside meblue and white shoes and skylooking for a certain placewe had never been before or would be again togetherin tall grass in the shade of treesyou turned your face to meI pulled you close and kissed youI laid out my white canvas a careless gift of beautyI dare not ask of what you dreamI stand and watch you fade away someday soon you will befixing him breakfast, straightening his tiehand him his lunch, kiss him goodbyeand me, I won't be painting from memory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted March 4, 2008 Members Share Posted March 4, 2008 Nice. A couple of metrical rough spots ("isoceles unconscious"). Maybe a final verse describing what I is doing while she is straightening his tie and pouring his coffee, along the lines of: "But me, I'm still on the roadHeading for another jointWe always did feel the sameWe just saw it from a different pointOf view." Bob Dylan, Tangled Up in Blue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members myredshoes Posted March 4, 2008 Author Members Share Posted March 4, 2008 coo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted March 4, 2008 Members Share Posted March 4, 2008 It reads as a poem pretty well. I have to admit the internal rhythm didn't jump out at me. I'd be really interested in hearing it performed (assuming there's music). I thought the central metaphor was pretty fruitful and brought a nice coherence to the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted March 4, 2008 Members Share Posted March 4, 2008 Another great final verse for a breakup song: "I'll be in my basement roomWith a needle and a spoonAnd another girl to take my pain away" -Rolling Stones, "Dead Flowers" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members myredshoes Posted March 4, 2008 Author Members Share Posted March 4, 2008 Another great final verse for a breakup song: "I'll be in my basement room With a needle and a spoon And another girl to take my pain away" -Rolling Stones, "Dead Flowers" that's very sweet! Actually what I is doing is painting, instead of a final verse I used just the one line. I don't have a habit or anything; I just paint... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted March 4, 2008 Members Share Posted March 4, 2008 that's very sweet! Actually what I is doing is painting, instead of a final verse I used just the one line. I don't have a habit or anything; I just paint... That's what van Gogh said... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members myredshoes Posted March 4, 2008 Author Members Share Posted March 4, 2008 It reads as a poem pretty well. I have to admit the internal rhythm didn't jump out at me. I'd be really interested in hearing it performed (assuming there's music). I thought the central metaphor was pretty fruitful and brought a nice coherence to the story. The metre is all messed up; I just wrote this first draft this morning and was surprised to find a bridge there even since I usually manage to dispense with that. This one will need a few re-do's... I'm not comfortable with the second verse but I am unable to let the story go, so I have some work to do. There was some sing-songy music while I was driving the kids to school but I forgot it already... As a rule once I have the metre nailed down the music will come... Thanks for the imput, folks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted March 4, 2008 Members Share Posted March 4, 2008 When the northern light is rightAnd my palette is preparedGlasses of whiskey or turpentineHold the sweet time we shared.A knock on the door, my model is here She's ugly and rude, but she'll pose in the nudeI'm done painting from memory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members myredshoes Posted March 4, 2008 Author Members Share Posted March 4, 2008 Thanks, very good, but no... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted March 4, 2008 Members Share Posted March 4, 2008 She's ugly and rude, but she'll pose in the nude Ok, but I'm keeping this one for myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members myredshoes Posted March 10, 2008 Author Members Share Posted March 10, 2008 Of course, artists know that most anyone will pose in the nude. It's flattering to be asked, I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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