Members KennethNishimot Posted March 14, 2008 Members Share Posted March 14, 2008 I'm going to perform this both at my upcoming poetry slam, as well as between songs in my band's set list, Jim Morrison-style Note: There is a bit of artistic profanity, which I have censored accordingly. Have fun guessing what the asteriks mean. Heavy with p***, pregnant with s***: a splish of artificially straightened hair, dirty blonde, turning a corner like a ghost. I moved to follow and was silenced by a kiss. A tiny feeling bloomed in my hips like a silver frost flower. Whispering unintelligibly and rolling around on your back. Ice on the inside of the windshield. Our little wheels firmly planted in the snow, firmly planted. In the mud and snow. Antifreeze sweet: your lips, we stick on one another like a tongue to a flagpole. I smile and remind you of "the ice on the inside of the windshield", steaming like a dog, panting like a teapot. Being with you is drinking honey right out of the beehive. Being with you makes the world so much bigger. The engine grinds to a half. And all the blizzard has for warmth is us. Burdened with c**. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kennychaffin Posted March 14, 2008 Members Share Posted March 14, 2008 To be honest, it's not doing much for me, but I'm not really into the slam scene. KAC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ido1957 Posted March 14, 2008 Members Share Posted March 14, 2008 I like it! Very reminiscent of the 60's stuff like Morrison. You have a gift for poetry no mistake there. Maybe not everyone's cup of tea but you do it well. Hope it goes well at the gigs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thepalpitations Posted March 17, 2008 Members Share Posted March 17, 2008 Some cool images, but beware of overusing similes and metaphors. (I count about seven in this). Most of them are good, but bouncing straight from one to the other isn't particularly fulfilling, and can leave the reader/listener a little disoriented. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Inspector 71 Posted March 18, 2008 Members Share Posted March 18, 2008 lets see c** cat?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members myredshoes Posted March 20, 2008 Members Share Posted March 20, 2008 Not so much most of it for me, some bits remind me of Beat stuff. Don't like the "honey right out of the beehive" bit at all, the beehive honey thing being so overused. Rather see a twist on it instead of the same old thing. But - "antifreeze sweet"... That is beautiful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted March 21, 2008 Members Share Posted March 21, 2008 I think it mostly works. I felt like there was some connective tissue missing. I thought the juxtaposition of the poisonous sweetness of anti-freeze with honey from a beehive was interesting... I'm not sure one can actually drink honey from a hive, though... particularly not without being immediately surrounded by very 'angry' bees. (My recollection of how honey an hive works is that you have to bust it/drain it out of the honeycomb. Unless they've genetically engineered them little guys to just squirt it into a tray beneath the hive. But since the BEES ARE DYING and we don't know why... I'm guessing that we're not that on top of bee science, even though we've had them 'domesticated' for thousands of years.) Anyhow, I guess it's the coffee talking going on about bees. (Agreed with RS that that bit might not be the freshest, either... ) It's hard to find new stuff to say about a momentary assignation in a car... But, again, I think this mostly works... pretty okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.