First posted song - Cold

[HogTownDave]

Hi Everyone. I've been lurking here since I started playing a couple of years ago... and I've always been impressed with the constructive support I've seen here. I figure its time for me to dive in.

 

I've written a few songs, and I thought that, before I try and stiffle the terror to get up on stage at an open mic, I should see what advice you folks here can give. I'm working out some simple acoustic recording, but until I set up a soundclick account, I thought I would post the lyrics to one of my songs. I'd be very happy to hear any comments.

 

Cold

 

She never took a second look

At what she tore apart

We're just some pages in her book

Another detour that she took

Another sample of her art

 

She's running with her head held down

And life is happening all around

But she thinks she can't be seen

 

[chorus]

 

And I say

I don't love her anymore

But all I think of is her face

And words mean nothing in this place

Where she's the sickness and the cure

Between the moon and frozen shore

I can't keep hurting anymore

But I know I won't let go

 

[short bridge]

 

She never hears a word I say

But I keep talking anyway

And hoping for the best

 

And I'm huddled underneath her wall

Waiting for the axe to fall

And craning for the blade

 

I say

I don't love her anymore

But all I think of is her face

And words mean nothing in this place

Where she's the sickness and the cure

Between the moon and frozen shore

I can't keep hurting anymore

But I know I can't let go

 

I say

I don't love you anymore

But all I think of is your face

And words mean nothing in this place

Where you're the sickness and the cure

 

So there it is... its out there now. The progerssion is G5, D, C... but I'll post the recording soon. Any comments gratefully received.

[rsadasiv]

I like the first verse and the chorus. Not sure about the second verse - I like the first tercet, but the first verse gives me the impression that she has already left, and if that is the case why would she hear a word you say. I think the second tercet is just too cliche ridden.

[HogTownDave]

Thanks Rsadasiv.

 

I'm not familiar with the term Tercet... which part is that? Is it a three line grouping? If the second tercet you mention is "she never hears a word I say..." I agree. I'd like to find some less cliche words to communicate the same thing there.

 

I can understand the confusion you mentioned. I experience it myself hehe. A big part of what the song is about is when someone leaves you in their heart, though they may not be physically gone.

[rsadasiv]

 

I'm not familiar with the term Tercet... which part is that? Is it a three line grouping? If the second tercet you mention is "she never hears a word I say..."

 

 

 

Yes.

[MDR]

Hi Dave:

 

All lyrics benefit from fine tuning & polishing. I find that playing a new song at an open stage is one of the best ways to work out rough spots.

 

H'town has a big open stage scene, and most venues are very welcoming to first timers. Check out the Free Times, Mitzi's Sister, or Fat Albert's (all are downtown-midtown). Note that there is a 2-song limit at most TO open stages.

 

Most importantly, enjoy yourself, in writing and performing!

 

cheers

R

[tbry]

We're just some pages in her book

 

This implies there are many or more than one person....the rest of the song you use I...that kind of got me started off in the wrong direction...

 

This line also...She's running with her head held down...my question is ...how is her head being held down?...it could be bent down or bowed down or whatever and it would fit better IMO...

 

This line...But she thinks she can't be seen...not sure what you mean by this...it may be clear to you but I'm not visualizing it...maybe...But she thinks she isn't mean...IDK if that works for you...

 

This line...Between the moon and frozen shore...its nice and all, but a frozen shore?...maybe a sandy shore or rocky shore but a frozen shore is a cold place...nowhere else in the lyric is there a reference to cold...

 

This line...And craneing for the blade...do you mean craning?...not sure I would want to crane my neck out there futher and make it easier for her to whack it!...JMO

 

These are just my observations...you can elect to ignor if you are happy with your story so far...good luck:)

[HogTownDave]

Thanks Tbryson, for the feedback. Its interesting to see how others interpret ones poetic attempts. I'll try and explain where the lines come from...

 

We're just some pages in her book means that we - our relationship - has been relegated to some entries in a journal, and she considers it the past.

 

Running with her head held down is perhaps a Canadian idiom. It means to run while looking at the ground, and in the context of this song, means to flee without looking where you are going... both literally and figuratively.

 

She thinks she can't be seen means that she thinks she is off life's radar... that she is unimportant and that life has no plan or future in store for her.

 

In the context of this song, the moon represents redemption, and the frozen shore represents cold solitude... the singer feels caught in a limbo between the two.

 

I do mean craning... but spelled it wrong. And you are probably a wiser man than I... but sometimes love makes us do things that don't make sense... and loving someone who hurts you is one of those things... thus craning for the blade.

 

I appreciate your observations... they were helpful and thought provoking.

[Sentry68]

Pretty good song you got going here. There are a few cliche's or just examples of tired speech in here that drags it down a bit for me. On the other hand, you have several fresh lines that I like quite a bit.

 

I like the first verse very well, the 'samples of her art' is very good. Agree with Tbryson, you probably should go with 'I'm just some pages in her book,' or the like.

 

I'd suggest you have a very critical and close look at your chorus. It flows fine with the story, but the language is just very vague and a little weak. I personally like the 'sickness..cure' line, it's the strongest IMO. The chorus is the real meat of the song of course, and this does hit the topic, but I think it could be much more memorable.

 

After the first chorus, it gets a little scattershot on the timeline. The first verse establishes the song to be post-relationship (as I read it). But after the first verse you're again talking to her, waiting for the axe to fall, etc. That said, the 'waiting for the axe to fall/craning for the blade' is a pretty excellent line.

 

I think you've got a good song here, and the few things I've critiqued are not killers at all, just some suggestions to help tighten up the lyric. A good hook and melody would have ppl singing along regardless of what you wrote, but we all want to say something profound...

 

A little polish and it'll be a keeper.