Members Stratman Tigers Posted January 25, 2009 Members Share Posted January 25, 2009 ...its only been in the last few months I've been putting words to my music, as I usually let the singer handle the lyrics, but today at work, a flow came into my mind: Don't deter my dirty thinkingDon't change my greedy thinkingThe trigger has been pulledAwait the call from my telephoneBrief me now, instead of laterReap rewards, ripe for pickingIts all because its true.I swear its all trueFool me once, shame on youFool me twice, shame on meYou can't get fooled againWe're all the fools again I'm very self conscious about lyrics, as I'm always afraid of sounding cliche or stupid, but I just want to see what you all think. Tell me if you like it, or hate it. :poke: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VGW Posted January 26, 2009 Members Share Posted January 26, 2009 My comments in bold. Don't deter my dirty thinkingDon't change my greedy thinkingI like these two lines as a startThe trigger has been pulledNot sure what this is trying to convey Await the call from my telephoneBrief me now, instead of laterReap rewards, ripe for pickingThese lines aren't bad, but once again I'm not sure what the thought here is.Its all because its true.I swear its all trueI can hear a melody for this in my head, and it works. Fool me once, shame on youFool me twice, shame on meIf you're worried about cliche, lose these lines. I personally don't like them.You can't get fooled againWe're all the fools again I'm torn on this. The first line makes me instantly think of The Who, but on the other hand, I like the last line a lot. Depending on the melody, it could work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fenderbender66 Posted January 26, 2009 Members Share Posted January 26, 2009 My comments in bold.Don't deter my dirty thinkingDon't change my greedy thinkingI like these two lines as a startThe trigger has been pulledNot sure what this is trying to conveyAwait the call from my telephoneBrief me now, instead of laterReap rewards, ripe for pickingThese lines aren't bad, but once again I'm not sure what the thought here is.Its all because its true.I swear its all trueI can hear a melody for this in my head, and it works.Fool me once, shame on youFool me twice, shame on meIf you're worried about cliche, lose these lines. I personally don't like them.You can't get fooled againWe're all the fools again I'm torn on this. The first line makes me instantly think of The Who, but on the other hand, I like the last line a lot. Depending on the melody, it could work. +1 on these comments.If you could let us know a little bit more about what you are trying to say/convey with these lyrics, it might help us give more critiques. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stratman Tigers Posted January 27, 2009 Author Members Share Posted January 27, 2009 Its a political song, hence the veiled attack on the Fool stanza. I personally don't like them myself, I'm considering ditching it. Thanks for the comments, guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members yollyp Posted January 27, 2009 Members Share Posted January 27, 2009 Don't say negative things about your music, I myself is into composing but instead of feeling negative, I enhance it more by filling it with good tune. Nothing can compensate a good tune. Just harness the lyrics and find some inspiration . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fenderbender66 Posted January 27, 2009 Members Share Posted January 27, 2009 Its a political song, hence the veiled attack on the Fool stanza.I personally don't like them myself, I'm considering ditching it. Thanks for the comments, guys. NOOOOOO! Don't ditch it. Keep them safe somewhere -- you never know when they might get put to good use. I have many, many notebooks filled with writings (a lot of ramblings) that I frequently go back to and pull something good to fit into something else. Definitely keep it. Just let it seep in your soul for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 29, 2009 Moderators Share Posted January 29, 2009 Its a political song, hence the veiled attack on the Fool stanza. I personally don't like them myself, I'm considering ditching it. Thanks for the comments, guys. Whoa! It's understandable you want to ditch them. It's a great way to absolutely end the awkwardness of showing your work. We all know that feeling. Except you've got a cool way with a phrase. All of it is cool. Just not together. Do what you've done. Get those ideas out. Now, rewrite. That's the way it works. What's the form? What's the rhyme scheme? What's the story or message? And where am I getting away from any of those above points? Rewrite. That's how its done. Seriously, you have a cool knack of putting words together. Now you need to work on putting word phrases together into a whole. With clear intent. Don't toss, rewrite. Rewrite is just a way of saying edit. The process goes like this... Purge without judgment or editing Edit Purge without judgment or editing Edit Purge without judgment or editing Edit Edit Edit Edit... Done. repeat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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