Members Poor Yorick Posted January 30, 2009 Members Share Posted January 30, 2009 Werewolf Time Got a problem with the moonIt's always lookin' right at meIt's got a big white mother faceWatching me from outer spaceI think I want to kill itIf I could kill it quick and soon I don't mean to be this wayGuess I'm just handy with a knifeBorn in the summer of Fifty-ThreeThose empty Paris streets and meWas dealt the Fool card early onIt's all I've got to play Look out, friends. You mind your eyes.Get thee home. It's werewolf time. Look out, friends. You mind your eyes.Get thee home. It's werewolf time. Got a problem with the moonIt's always lookin' right at meIt's got a big white mother faceWatching me from outer spaceI think I want to kill itIf I could kill it quick and soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fenderbender66 Posted January 30, 2009 Members Share Posted January 30, 2009 Werewolf TimeGot a problem with the moonIt's always lookin' right at meIt's got a big white mother faceWatching me from outer spaceI think I want to kill itIf I could kill it quick and soonI don't mean to be this wayGuess I'm just handy with a knifeBorn in the summer of Fifty-ThreeThose empty Paris streets and meWas dealt the Fool card early onIt's all I've got to playLook out, friends. You mind your eyes.Get thee home. It's werewolf time.Look out, friends. You mind your eyes.Get thee home. It's werewolf time.Got a problem with the moonIt's always lookin' right at meIt's got a big white mother faceWatching me from outer spaceI think I want to kill itIf I could kill it quick and soon Pretty good. These are what I would tweak:"I think I want to kill itIf I could kill it quick and soon"change to (in both places):I think I want to kill itIf I could kill YOU quick and soon (after all, you're a werewolf that kills people). "I don't mean to be this wayGuess I'm just handy with a knifeBorn in the summer of Fifty-ThreeThose empty Paris streets and meWas dealt the Fool card early onIt's all I've got to play"Not sure how this fits with the story. This verse made me think of Jack the Ripper, not a werewolf. Maybe lose the knife (you don't need the rhyme) "Get thee home. It's werewolf time."Get thee home sounds awkward. Maybe "Get on home"? Overall pretty good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted January 30, 2009 Members Share Posted January 30, 2009 AahOooh, Werewolves of Paris What is the Parisian equivalent of Trader Vic's? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Elias Graves Posted January 30, 2009 Members Share Posted January 30, 2009 Got a problem with the moonIt's always lookin' right at meGREAT OPENING. I'M IN.It's got a big white mother faceWatching me from outer spaceNICEI think I want to kill itIf I could kill it quick and soonGOOD STUFF. I don't mean to be this wayCOULD BE STRONGER. USE AN IMAGE.Guess I'm just handy with a knifeBorn in the summer of Fifty-ThreeTHIS SEEMS OUT OF PLACE. WHAT'S THE RELEVANCE?Those empty Paris streets and meAGAIN, RELEVANCE? BOTH OF THESE LINES SEEM OUT OF PLACE. SINCE YOU INTRODUCED THESE IDEAS, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU TIE THEM UP SOMEHOW. AS IT IS, THEY SEEM LIKE THEY ARE JUST FILLING SPACE. ADD SOME MORE TO MAKE ME UNDERSTAND WHY THEY ARE HERE OR LOSE THEM. THE SONG IS PRETTY SHORT, SO I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU ADD SOMETHING TO MAKE THEM WORTHWHILE. Was dealt the Fool card early onIt's all I've got to play Look out, friends. You mind your eyes.Get thee home. It's werewolf time.STRONG HOOK. I like the idea. It's just twisted enough to be cool, yet funny. I would like to see more resolution to the story. I'm left wondering why I heard it. Seems like there should be more progression and resolution. You have some very strong images in there. Nice. EG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Poor Yorick Posted February 1, 2009 Author Members Share Posted February 1, 2009 Thanks for the feedback. The song is a bit slight on content. It's mostly just a werewolf metaphor for lunacy/violence. Hmm...maybe a proper third verse is in order. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Poor Yorick Posted February 3, 2009 Author Members Share Posted February 3, 2009 One bump and then that's it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Elias Graves Posted February 3, 2009 Members Share Posted February 3, 2009 Thanks for the feedback. The song is a bit slight on content. It's mostly just a werewolf metaphor for lunacy/violence. Hmm...maybe a proper third verse is in order. So, you got another verse? EG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members popthree Posted February 3, 2009 Members Share Posted February 3, 2009 i like it if mine, i'd consider "like a mother's shining face" instead of big white... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Poor Yorick Posted February 3, 2009 Author Members Share Posted February 3, 2009 So, you got another verse?EG Nah. I can't come up with anything that ain't filler. I might dickey with it in a couple weeks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted February 3, 2009 Members Share Posted February 3, 2009 AahOooh, Werewolves of ParisWhat is the Parisian equivalent of Trader Vic's? More puzzling, what's the French equivalent of a Chinese menu? Vietnamese, maybe? Sri Lankan? I like the idea, first verse sets it up, second verse kinda piddles around without taking it anywhere. I'd come up with a new second verse before writing a third. There's a lot of neat stuff in v2, but no meat. A second verse that goes somewhere is more important than a verse that gets your attention. The chorus lives or dies on melody, so there isn't a lot to judge there. It seems like you could be making your point here, but you don't. It LOOKS a bit short on paper, but again, I'd have to hear it sung. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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