Another character song...

[tspit74]

Even though I submitted 2 songs for the March character song challenge, I got on a role and wrote one more after the deadline. I recorded it this week and mixed it last night and am submitting it here for your approval or ridicule. Let me know what you guys think.

 

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7463934

 

FATE

 

Sally was a talented dancer.

She had the best lessons money could buy.

She vowed one day that she'd make it to the Broadway stage.

Do or die.

One night she met Edward.

He was standing by the backstage door.

Well, the twins turned two last February.

Now Sally, she don't dance no more.

 

His friends say he never met a stop sign or a stoplight,

That he didn't blow.

Racing the trains and dodging the tracks,

Well that was just Joe.

The note of his exhaust was always A-440.

Yeah, he lived for the thrill behind the wheel.

Now the only wheels he drives are the ones attached to his chair,

Since his legs landed in a farmer's field.

 

You can curse at the sun and the moon.

Wait for snow in the middle of June.

The world don't give a damn what you do.

It goes on with or without you.

 

Life has a way of changin' your plans.

A little choice can lead to big change before you get half a chance to understand.

Sometimes {censored} happens.

And sometimes it just hits the fan.

Life has a way of changin' your plans.

 

(Instrumental)

 

So, where does all this leave you an me?

We're more or less free and in pretty good health.

And the problems that plague poor Sally and Joe,

You might say they brought upon themselves.

If you've got a dream that you want to achieve,

Chase it now. Baby, don't wait.

But realize we're all victors or victims of circumstance.

Some call it karma. Others call it---FATE.

 

And you can curse at the sun and the moon.

Pray for snow in the middle of June.

Nobody gives a damn what you do.

The world will still go on with or without you.

 

Life has a way of changin' your plans.

Little choices lead to big changes when you're touched by fate's fickle hand.

Sometimes {censored} happens.

And sometimes it just hits the fan.

 

Life has a way of changin'.

Life has a way of changin'.

Life has a way of changin' your plans.

[Drumas funk]

I like it. I hear in a fast pace, kind of like 'the devil went down to Georgia'.

The only things that I can find fault with are

 

1) There's no development of the characters. It's a very vague representation of their stories. But thats not such a big deal, it still works as is, and delving into their respective stories might add to my next problem with the lyrics.

 

2) The flow seems a little cluttered at times. I don't know the intended rhythm of the song, but it feels like it might be put off by the "wordiness" of some of the lines.

 

Like I said, I don't know the rhythm of the lyrics, so you might already have that worked out and found that it isn't an actual problem

 

Other than those small ideas, I'd say its a pretty solid foundation for a good track.

[blue2blue]

 

 

 

I like much of what you have here but, in a way, I wonder if the structure serves it as well as a different structure might.

 

I'm thinking basically of the transition between the first two adjacent verses... At first I thought Joe was maybe the dancer's next assignation after Edward. It took me most of that verse to be sure we were simply moving on to another panel in the diptych... And speaking of diptychs and triptychs -- I see that the 'third chapter' in this song is not yet another parallel example of life changing one's plans for him/her as we might expect from the long tradition of 'three panel' songs -- but, rather, a jump of level to applying the overall theme of the first two chapters to the undecided questions facing the protagonist and his significant other...

 

... which is nicely unexpected (at least for those who were expecting a three character triptych)... but I keep wondering if maybe it wouldn't be better served with one more character in the first part of the song... and something to break up each character's little section -- like, say, maybe, part of the chorus. So it would, in essence, be A b A b A B C B -- where b is the first part of the chorus and B is the full chorus. And C is the wrap-up where we potentially apply the "lessons" learned in the first three vignettes.

 

It might -- well, it probably would -- make the song longer and that might well be problematic, but it might make the structure of things more clear and fit better with our three legged stool mentality.

[mpeddle]

In the first verse, the mix is too split up...the vocals are totally in the left channel and the guitar in the right. Way too drastic.

[Drumas funk]

Wow, how did I miss that link? I'll give a listen then re-comment in a minute.

 

My first thoughts, is that the vocals seem to be competing with the guitar for the mix. I don't really have any ideas for you on how to fix it, as I'm not much of a production guru.

 

Second, I agree that there should be a section to distinguish the change in story. Like blue said, maybe the first half the chorus would fit nicely there.

[kurdy]

This is a good one. Has a John Mellencamp kind of feel to it.

 

On first listen, I also found the transistion from the characters in the first and second verse to be a little less than clear. It took some time to realize that they were two seperate scenarios. I thought you were still talking about Edward, or that Ed's friends called him Joe. Wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

 

You could rewrite the second verse, but that would be tough, since there's so much crucial information packed in there. So my suggestion would be to switch the order of the first and second verses. Because Sally's character is made apparent in the first line, it would become obvious right away that you're talking about a different person. Whereas it takes about four lines to explain Joe (maybe he's a complicated guy ), which makes harder to tell.

 

Other than that, no real complaints. Good work.

[tspit74]

Okay. The over riding feedback I'm getting is that there needs to be a break between verses. It sounded perfectly coherent all along to me, but having wrote it, I know what I'm trying to say. I guess I can't make that assumption for the listener, no? I can definitely here what you're talking about. The question is how to actually do it.

 

Adding a third character verse would absolutely make the song too long (in it's present form, tempo and changes). It's already 4 1/2 minutes, which is pretty long already. It's not interesting enough to make 5 1/2 minute long. It ain't exactly "Bohemian Rhapsody." Would probably need new changes and more interesting music and more distinct parts in order to pull it off.

 

My options the way I see it are:

 

A. Leave it as is and have a mediocre song that confuses the listener. (Easy but lazy)

 

B. Rewrite the whole thing from the ground up using the suggestions here. (Demoralizing but probably best)

 

C. Canabalize the whole thing for parts and move on. (Probably not worth it)

 

Having spent all my free time over the past 2 weeks drilling this turd, I need to take a break from it. I think I'll move on to something new and listen with fresh ears in a few months and see if I care to flog this horse again.

 

Van Dyke Parks was right. Songwriting is like hydra. Every solution creates 2 new problems.

 

Thanks guys. I'm still open to more suggestions, comments and input.

[kurdy]

 

Having spent all my free time over the past 2 weeks drilling this turd, I need to take a break from it. I think I'll move on to something new and listen with fresh ears in a few months and see if I care to flog this horse again.

 

 

I certainly agree with the approach of taking a break and coming back with fresh ears. But I think you're probably closer than you realize.

 

Just to reiterate my previous suggestion, because of the way it's written, Sally's verse has more of a clear starting point, where Joe's does not. So I think starting with Joe's verse, and following it with Sally's would probably make the most difference, withouth having to drastically change anything.

 

Beyond that, I did spot a line or two I might alter slightly just to make it a bit tighter, but I don't think any major changes really need to be made. The overall structure of it is OK as is, and it seems to flow well musically. If you start tinkering with it too much, you run the risk of getting too far away from the original intent of the song.

[rsadasiv]

There's a bunch of good stuff here. I like all the guitar parts (crunchy electric, slide, strummed acoustic) and the percussion. Chord progression and melody are fine. I get hooked in to each of the stories in turn.

 

Lyrically you have a great big theme and lots of excellent details. But the structure, which is supposed to help connect the details to the theme, isn't working. Why these three people? How have these people come to terms with their individual fates? Are our fates connected in any way? Also, there are a few things about the lyric that seem borrowed ("Sally Can't Dance", "Unanswered Prayers"). I think these are all fixable issues, but if you're burnt out on it take a break or move on for a while - you can always come back to it another time, and it is perfectly listenable as it is right now.

[tspit74]

What's "Unanswered Prayers?"

 

The "Sally Can't Dance" line is an intentional Lou Reed quote for people in the know. Meant to be sung with a wink for those who catch it. I guess the hard drive doesn't capture the wink. I got that idea from a Steve Forbert song called , Lay Down Your Weary Tune Again."

 

"The missionary paid my way

An' put me off to sleep,

I woke up early yesterday

An' found a place to eat.

 

I got it down an' felt relieved

An' Jane went off to work,

It's wooden soldier's Christmas time

An' Jane she is a clerk."

 

It caught my ear the first time I heard it and made me laugh. So I thought, hell, if Steve can quote Lou, why can't I? I thought it would be fun to pay homage to both artists for different reasons. Whatever gets the gears turnin'. Ya know?

 

Oh well. Apparently not my best effort. Sure seemed like a winner while I was recording it tho. I still think the reward is the process. After that process completes itself, you either have something good, mediocre or bad. I don't think it's bad. Maybe a little shy of good?

 

I'll see what else I can do with it.

[ALyricman]

I like it. You are schieve to conform lyric with music. I like music. There is a argument that lyric structure isn't matter if you have the right music for it. Good job.