Members Sad Navigator Posted May 1, 2009 Members Share Posted May 1, 2009 The Black Rabbit Some very soon day, dear oneWhen it's a wet, green kind of grayYou'll be a little more tiredAnd a little more sadAnd he'll take you straight away You can lay down still and quietMaybe kick, scream and deny itBut when it's time to button up, you'll goDeep down you prolly know The little birds all dressed in crepeAnd the lovelies with jaws agapeThe pipers whistle as you departAnd a hardness settles in your still heart Children will fear you in the hallsIf they bother with you at allMaybe songs or sweets at appointed timesHappy with their maudlin, awkward rhymes Some very soon day, dear oneWhen it's a wet, green kind of grayYou'll be a little more tiredAnd a little more sadAnd he'll take you straight away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mpeddle Posted May 2, 2009 Members Share Posted May 2, 2009 I like it a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sad Navigator Posted May 2, 2009 Author Members Share Posted May 2, 2009 Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mpeddle Posted May 2, 2009 Members Share Posted May 2, 2009 hard-hitting critique, right? hahah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eclepto Funk Posted May 3, 2009 Members Share Posted May 3, 2009 wow ... very nice i dig it you do all the right things right, and it hangs together very well well done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted May 4, 2009 Members Share Posted May 4, 2009 Nice - whatever sappy, maudlin issues people might have (I don't see it personally) are countered by making it an explicit meta-reference in the fourth verse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sad Navigator Posted May 4, 2009 Author Members Share Posted May 4, 2009 Thanks for all the nice stuff. I'm glad this seems to work. I appreciate the positive comments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Beakybird Posted May 4, 2009 Members Share Posted May 4, 2009 For me, this is superb poetry. I was actually incredulous that you wrote it. It is genius - and really rings true for me as I have gone through transition from magical child to pay the bills adult. Let's hear you put it to music. Beakybird Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sad Navigator Posted May 5, 2009 Author Members Share Posted May 5, 2009 For me, this is superb poetry. I was actually incredulous that you wrote it. It is genius - and really rings true for me as I have gone through transition from magical child to pay the bills adult.Let's hear you put it to music.Beakybird Thanks. I'm surprised by all the super-positive feedback. It'll likely be a little while before I music this up. I've got a bit of a backlog of lyrics that need music. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Etienne Rambert Posted May 5, 2009 Members Share Posted May 5, 2009 You already critiqued it, sad, maudlin. I don't think it's either sad or maudlin. I think it's accomplished writing, and I think it's very strange. Creepy, in fact. But you're an accomplished writer. And the fact that you're reading Dylan Thomas shows you know what good writing is. I have no idea what is happening in that poem. But to me, it's strange and the psychological implicationsare indecipherable. Good writing though. Congrats. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members electricfish Posted May 6, 2009 Members Share Posted May 6, 2009 Excellent. Rates a 9 or a 10 to me.Some very striking imagery. New, fresh. Emotionally and intellectually engaging.At first I thought I saw a technical flaw - The rhyme scheme of the first verse didn't match the rest, but you brought it back around again at the end. Very well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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