New song day!!!

[Okieslims]

I wrote a pretty neat riff on my guitar and kind of built around it this morning. It's rough and I need to work on connecting my opening riff to the the main riff of the song.

I kind of wanted to tell a series of stories and then got to the hook (give us your young..), but the current version is already over 3 minutes and telling 2 stories wouldn't leave the impression that I'm looking for... which is that this is 1 of many... so I'll probably just stick with this one story I guess.

 

Does it work? Any suggestions or advice? Thanks

 

 

Also.. fair warning.. the ooooh oooohs at the end are supposed to sinc up with the guitar.. I did it two times perfectly and then had a big ol glass of tea.. then I couldn't do it at all..lol.. it sounded really cool when I hit it the first couple times though. So that part sounds like crap but it's at the end and it doesn't last long.

The rest of the song was decent vocally, but I'm still trying to fit everything in and then I work on getting it sound better in that department.

 

 

Ramble ON!!!!

 

 

 

 

Oh my mah

Look what

[Etienne Rambert]

I like your voice & guitar playing.

 

I don't know what to think about these lines.

 

 

"Oh my mah Look what

[Okieslims]

I may have to rework those lines.. I was just painting a picture of an injured young vet coming home to his family via the Polaroid method.. just flashes.. I think I'm going to strengthen that section though now that I can see it more clearly. I'll get on it when i get up today.

 

..and thanks for the compliments. I have been working really hard on my guitar playing. Some of my friends just got the magic touch.. not me.. I have to really work at it.. but I'm making progress:D

[Etienne Rambert]

You've got the voice. You've got the emotional touch.

And you haven't burdened the song with unnecessary

verbiage. You go straight for the emotion. That's good.

 

Now think about "clarity". If you have clarity and the emotional

touch, that's a real gift. Prine & Springsteen both have that.

 

I was unclear when it all was happening. But that may just

be my own lack of clarity.

 

Good job. Keep writing.

[Bodyguard2112]

This song is simple, and good.

 

I like it.

[Okieslims]

I have reworked it a bit and added a little too. Not sure if the change in p.o.v. works or not.

 

I'll re-record it with 2 or 3 tracks so I can focus on my vocals a bit more and not mess up my guitar playing so much.

 

 

 

Oh my mah

Look what

[LeonardScaper]

I like your voice too.

 

And I like the song.

 

Grind away on this one....it has great potential.

[Beakybird]

I really like the idea. Practice it. Make it tight. I wouldn't play it solo with the riffs because there isn't enough in the riff to maintain a sense of rhythm. I like the riff though. Throw it in when you start to multitrack.

 

You still aren't being clear in the story. You're rewrite isn't clear that it is about war until the very end. Story songs are hard to write.

 

It's a very timely and good idea. Keep on working with the lines until you got it. I like the first version that you know immediately what happened to this guy (But who's Casey?). That's really my only issue lyrically with the first version. First version gets my vote btw.

 

I look forward to hearing this again as you develop it.

 

Beakybird

[Okieslims]

I'm going to toy around with my looper and see if I can't find a good bass line for the riff.

 

I think I may wrap the song with the hook.

 

Give us your young...

 

nation cries...oooh oooh ooh ooo

 

 

(and this is the reason)

 

story..

 

 

(hook again)

 

 

 

The casey character was supposed to be a fellow soldier who made a mistake and killed himself and injured the main character. I didn't really know how to fit that all in so I just 86'd him.

 

I'll keep at it. Thannks for the advice and support guys.

[Etienne Rambert]

Go back to what you had originally.

 

 

Oh my mah Look what

[Okieslims]

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7631684

should I keep this bass line or toss it?

[speierg]

 

Go back to what you had originally. It's better than your new edit of that part. It's good as is.

 

 

Agreed...the "cut him off at the knees" line is much better IMO.

[Okieslims]

So frustrated!!!!!!! I spent a good amount of time trying to get this song down on my multi track, only to discover that my multi tracker saves mistakes in the memory.. so all my work came to a sudden and horrible halt;(

 

Here's the words I settled on though and thanks for the help.. I will eventually get this one tracked, once I calm down a bit.. I feel like throwing my multi tracker right now..

 

 

(cool guitar intro)

 

Give us your young

Give us your poor

We

[rsadasiv]

Guitar needs a little work - the riff is ok, but it needs to be played more smoothly and it needs some variation here and there. Getting comfortable with your recording setup is worth the pain - keep chugging on that.

 

The lyric has potential, but it's not quite there yet. I didn't like the straightforward suicide note version - the lines

 

Give us your young

Give us your poor

We

[Okieslims]

I kind of felt the same thing. I know that line is very strong and seemed to over power the rest of the song. I may try a couple a rewrites and see if I can beat what I got so far.

 

And, I'll work on my guitar. This is my first year to really get serious with the guitar. I have always been a 3 cowboy chord guy..