Lyric Feedback Please

[Oswlek]

I wrote a song today that I think could be really something, but there a couple lines I think could be tightened up. I'm not going to share which ones I think need help because I don't want to skew your thoughts. I have a feeling you'll pick them out, though.

 

Alright, let me have it!

 

 

Who You Choose to Love Verse 1 You're living in disgrace Living with the face Of someone who's denied Someone who has tried To walk a righteous path But cupid only laughs While arrows sling around Yours is never found Bridge What's it take To make a break From this Godforsaken place? Chorus You can only run so far You can only fly so high You can only give so much Even if you try You can only run so far, so high Verse 2 You're living in denial Living with a smile The somehow feels so forced Reality divorced From the sorrow in your eyes That cannot be disguised By any kind of mask Is it time you ask Bridge Chorus Middle 8 Is your best not enough? Or is it who you choose to love? Chorus

 

I am still tinkering with it, so I doubt that will be the final product regardless of the advice you give. But your input is certainly appreciated!

[gismo recording]

I like it. I'd like to hear it with music. One thing I would change though is the last line in the chorus. Instead of "run", change it to "go"

You can only go so far, so high

You can run far but you can't run high. But you can go either.

[Chicken Monkey]

This is not really to my lyrical taste, so take with a grain of salt.

 

1) I really like the relationship between the verse and the chorus. The shift in tone is about perfect.

 

2) The take/break internal rhyme with "forsaken" makes that line really pop for me.

 

3) Unless I'm saying something completely groundbreaking and profound, I'd avoid any use of the stock fictional characters, including Cupid.

[Oswlek]

This is not really to my lyrical taste, so take with a grain of salt. 1) I really like the relationship between the verse and the chorus. The shift in tone is about perfect. 2) The take/break internal rhyme with "forsaken" makes that line really pop for me. 3) Unless I'm saying something completely groundbreaking and profound, I'd avoid any use of the stock fictional characters, including Cupid.

 

Thanks. Cupid's mention is one of the things I am trying to change, so any ideas are welcome.

[BenDuncan]

I like it a lot. The only thing i would mention is both the verses seem to be saying the same thing just with differnt words but at the same time i like the "face/smile" thing so i dont know lol

[hypcollector]

only because you asked, "even if you try" is the weakest line of the song.....the fact that it's in the chorus should be troubling to you...

 

really like the following lines...

*reality divorced

*but cupid only laughs

 

not sure the bridge needs to be there...

pg

[SnowAngel]

Really sharp emotion here. I like it and can't wait to hear the music to go with it.

 

As a purist, the only thing I might change is making "smile" a two-syllable word, which would require changing the previous line to something like

 

* Like pictures stuffed in a file

 

or

 

* Like models decked out (or dressed up) in style

 

But something to fit the image that you yourself have in mind.

 

The only reason I might stay away from cupid is the image of the cute baby.

 

Good work.

[Thrustin]

What does it mean?

[LeonardScaper]

 

The take/break internal rhyme with "forsaken" makes that line really pop for me.

 

 

My first impression also....really liked that.

 

In fact, I'd like to see some less obvious rhyming in the verses.

 

For instance....

 

You're living in denial

Living with a smile

The somehow feels so forced

Reality divorced

 

or..

 

Divorced from what is real.

 

Really need to hear it with music to see if something like that would work.

 

Good images.....

[speierg]

You're living in denial

Living with a smile

The somehow feels so forced

Reality divorced

 

 

Is that supposed to be "That somehow feels so forced"??? The line as it is typed seems a bit odd..."the somehow" throws me.

[easilyspooked]

i'm guessing this is a metal tune, but good god damn you could make it a rollicking ska tune, the words are begging to be aggressively bitten off with that meter!

[Oswlek]

 

You're living in denial Living with a smile The somehow feels so forced Reality divorced Is that supposed to be "That somehow feels so forced"??? The line as it is typed seems a bit odd..."the somehow" throws me.

 

 

Ooh, {censored}. Yes, that was just a typo!

[Oswlek]

 

only because you asked, " even if you try " is the weakest line of the song.....the fact that it's in the chorus should be troubling to you... really like the following lines... *reality divorced *but cupid only laughs not sure the bridge needs to be there... pg

 

 

We have another winner! That is another that I was hoping for alternatives. I don't hate it as much as some others because of how it fits in melodically, though.

 

I do know that I don't want another "you can only..." line there.

 

As for the bridge, I tried to write it out, but it keeps popping back in. The melody is pining for it. I actually shortened the lyrical part of it and replaced it with a musical interlude in a way to reduce it somewhat.

 

 

In fact, I'd like to see some less obvious rhyming in the verses.

 

 

I am all for more sublty in rhyming, but the phrasing of this song works best with the more standard rhyme structure. I could probably rework the bridge, the phrasing is a bit different there.

 

 

The only thing i would mention is both the verses seem to be saying the same thing just with differnt words but at the same time i like the "face/smile" thing so i dont know lol

 

 

You got it! I was actually going for a "verses say the same thing" which was why I made it even more obvious by using very similar lines. "living in disgrace/denial", "face/smile", etc.

[Oswlek]

Alright, here is a stanza rewrite. The second stanza (the one with cupid in it) has been changed to

 

To liberate your heart

Find the missing part

You're still on your feet

Feeling incomplete.

 

Love it? Hate it? Don't care?

[Lee Knight]

I really like your stuff a lot so I'll assume you're making the overly rhymed quality work for you. On paper it's a little June/moon to me but I know you have a way with making your lyrics pop musically so I'll assume you're making that happen.

 

So setting that aside...

 

You can only run so far

You can only fly so high

You can only give so much

Even if you try

You can only run so far, so high

 

"Even if you try" really doesn't work for me. I'm thinking you could ditch the rhyme here all together and even do something as straight forward as:

 

You can only run so far

You can only fly so high

You can only give so much

You can only give...

You can only run so far, so high

 

Sort of reiterating the coming up short quality the stanza's trying to get across.

[Matximus]

I like the economy and soundness of structure, but it came close to reading like a cloying nursery rhyme for me. But it could work, depending on the music.

 

You should consider massaging some of the cliches. Ease off a tad: give so much... fly so high... sorrow in your eyes.... You can chuck some of those and do better.

 

I love cliches - I use them all the time. They can be great for transitions and an easy point of reference to hook your audience. But you have to be careful not to OVERUSE them. Try and use them sparingly.

[Oswlek]

 

I really like your stuff a lot so I'll assume you're making the overly rhymed quality work for you. On paper it's a little June/moon to me but I know you have a way with making your lyrics pop musically so I'll assume you're making that happen. So setting that aside... You can only run so far You can only fly so high You can only give so much Even if you try You can only run so far, so high "Even if you try" really doesn't work for me. I'm thinking you could ditch the rhyme here all together and even do something as straight forward as: You can only run so far You can only fly so high You can only give so much You can only give... You can only run so far, so high Sort of reiterating the coming up short quality the stanza's trying to get across.

 

 

I do something very similar to what you outline at the end during the vocal ad lib part. I don't think I sing the "even if you try" once there.

 

I really like the idea lyrically to just repeat the line, but I need something to break up the "you can only" bit. It seems to a consensus that that line needs changing so I'll work on it. Thankfully, I have plenty of time as I want to work it up with a buddy who is busy for a month or two.

 

Oh, and I agree this reads poorly. I almost deleted the thread after reading through it the first time, but I swear it rocks in the context of the song.

[LeonardScaper]

but I swear it rocks in the context of the song.

 

After a re-read, and in light of the other comments and your responses, I'm betting that it does.