Lyric help - any military vets out there?

[Oswlek]

Does anyone you have any experience with the military? I have a song I'm writing about a parent who loses a child while at service. Here are the lyrics.

 

verse 1

Sitting in the moonlight

Staring at your picture

You promised me you'd come back

Promised you'd be coming home

 

How long must I wait

 

verse 2

(something) medals you'll never wear

Rest on the chair, in the den

I can't bear to hang them up

Feels too much like giving up

I'm trying to head your words

 

refrain

How long must I wait

 

verse 3

Your ceremony was today

All your friends were there

I hate myself for wishing

It was one of them instead, instead...

 

bridge

I still hear your phantom feet

Coming down the stairs

The agony is new again when I find you're not there

 

refrain

How long must I wait

 

 

OK, here is what I want to ask. Does the military provide medals to parents or loved ones of soldiers who die? If so, is there something unique about this medal? A color or shape, perhaps? I need a word or phrase to describe the medal and I'm hoping it is based on something factual.

 

If you have any ideas for a better line than the other one I marked as red that would be appreciated as well, though I realize lyric writing without the melody is tough.

 

Sorry to bug everyone with this, I just can't find anything through google. Thanks in advance for the help.

[Lee Knight]

Medals of honor you'll never wear

Rest on the chair, in the den

I can't bear to hang them up

Too much like the start of "remember when"

 

 

I couldn't find a specific medal for the deceased.

[Oswlek]

 

Medals of honor you'll never wear Rest on the chair, in the den I can't bear to hang them up Too much like the start of "remember when" I couldn't find a specific medal for the deceased.

 

 

Thanks. What is the reference on the bolded line?

[Lee Knight]

Well, I wsn't sure of any rhyme scheme. It looks like it's open. So I was rhyming den and when. Parents would look back on the memory of their son with remember when he...

 

And they don't want to start the "remember when" phase just yet.

[Oswlek]

Well, I wsn't sure of any rhyme scheme. It looks like it's open. So I was rhyming den and when. Parents would look back on the memory of their son with remember when he... And they don't want to start the "remember when" phase just yet.

 

Ahhh, OK. Thought it might have been a movie reference or something.

 

There really is no rhyme scheme. Other than the bridge, they are scattered throughout with no real pattern.

[lp_junkie]

The only medal usually provided upon death if it was combat related is the Purple Heart, other than that there is no medal presented to the family at death.

 

Just a folded flag at the funeral, and a few words of condolence.

[Matximus]

I was in the Army. I'm not a huge fan of your take... The whole dead soldier thing can be an awful hammy and manipulative misfire if you don't pull it off. I mean, it's such an easy cliche - reverance for the fallen hero. It's always powerful, but it's kinda lazy unless you go somewhere fresh with it.

 

I'm not sure you have. But that's just my take on the lyrics. It could still be a good song if it's in the Country Genre and has great music.

 

Anyway, Dig this for inspiration:

 

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2010/03/21/magazine/20100321-soliders-bedrooms-slideshow.html?hp

 

I know it's not a song. But this is a visual artist succeeding in trying to say something new and relevant about the consequences of war.

 

A lonely widow/mother or whoever it was staring a photo in the moonlight just doesn't do it for me.

 

Anyway, back to your point. There is no special medal I'm aware of that is awarded to the family of a fallen soldiers. I mean, if a kid dies heroically they'll often be awarded a top-tier award posthumously. And it will be given to the next of kin. The only one that ever gets headlines is the medal of honor. But there are a whole bunch of important combat awards that are kind of a big deal in the military community, like the Silver Star, the Bronze star.

 

I don't know. When I was in the Army I thought most awards were just a bunch of silly peacock stuff for meatheads. You get a lot of them for really mundane crap - like hanging around for three years and switching duty stations. That kind of stuff.

 

But search here to see what awards may have been awarded to the fallen. And if you're determined to get technical about it cross-reference with this wikipedia page for visual illustration.

 

http://www.defense.gov/home/features/2010/0310_dover/index.html

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Awards_and_decorations_of_the_United_States_military

[Oswlek]

Thanks for the honest take, Matximus.

 

I don't know if it will change your opinion, but the song isn't about a fallen soldier, per se. It is about a parent grieving a dead child. When I initially scribbled out the idea there was no indication how the child died, I just wanted to paint a picture of the parent.

 

Later, the idea came to me to offer clues about what happened to the child and the soldier thing just kind of fell into place. There is no political or social commentary in the piece whatsoever. If you look closely, the mention of medals is the only direct link in the entire song, along with a very subtle one with the mention of a "ceremony".

 

Again, it probably won't change your outlook, but I thought I'd toss it out there.

[Wyzsard]

Medals of honor you'll never wear Rest on the chair, in the den I can't bear to hang them up Too much like the start of "remember when"

 

Last line suggestion is good.

 

 

Oswlek, I'm new here, and don't have an idea of the frequent poster's sensibilities. I have an idea for a rewrite of those lines, but I'm going to ask first. I used to hang out on lyric critique forums and some folks get insulted if another writer takes the liberty lol. I never did, but.... let me know

[Oswlek]

Last line suggestion is good. Oswlek, I'm new here, and don't have an idea of the frequent poster's sensibilities. I have an idea for a rewrite of those lines, but I'm going to ask first. I used to hang out on lyric critique forums and some folks get insulted if another writer takes the liberty lol. I never did, but.... let me know

 

Go ahead!

[Matximus]

 

Thanks for the honest take, Matximus. I don't know if it will change your opinion, but the song isn't about a fallen soldier, per se. It is about a parent grieving a dead child. .

 

 

I reread your lyrics after this post - the draft was better than my reaction suggested. I was a bit harsh - you're a gracious dude.

 

But I think this gets right to the heart of the matter - what is your intent?

So this song is about a parent greiving a dead child? Okay.

 

Do you want the listener to know that? Or do you want us to be intrigued enough to guess? Do you want to be ambiguous? Direct?

 

I don't know what the music is yet - so I don't have that judge the work by. But on literary merits, you have to be careful about going with the military angle and mindful of what that will suggest to the listener.

 

It's such a loaded topic.

 

If you're trying to convey the sense of the loss of a child, you're whole plan has been derailed as soon as you start talking about medals and using the word "CEREMONY"

.

That is the only thing you're being clear about so that Is what the song is going to be about in the mind of a listener - OH, this is about a dead soldier. You didn't tell us anything else specific.

 

And as soon as you go there, the listener is reaching for frames of reference that you have to address: Is this a protest song? A patriotic psalm? What?

 

Because you don't have the benefit of the doubt when you go there - dead soldiers. it's such a loaded topic. Hell, you didn't even say war and I'm already jumping to conclusions!!! This kid could have died in a misfire on the firing range or in some other stupid accident. But when you say dead soldier Most people go to bleeding soldier on the battlefield.

 

IF you want people to know the song is about a dead child, be specific about that. And if you want to be ambiguous about the whole thing you should consider steering clear of the military stuff.

[Eclepto Funk]

it is extremely rare for the medal of honor to be awarded more than once to the same person. i wouldn't say "medals of honor" so as not to strain credibility

 

i would say "meaningless medals" or "die-cast medals" or something along the lines to go with the sentiment of the rest of your song

 

as it is, the song could be about a spouse or a parent grieving their loss. it struck me more as a spouse than a parent, fwiw

[Wyzsard]

Gosh, I dunno. What I was going to offer wasn't that much better after re-reading the whole lyric.

 

The line ...

How long must I wait

.......... repeated, kind of restricts you to making it a song about someone who can't find closure or won't accept the loved one is dead. You are going to need some hard hitting lines to make a song of that sort stand out. That's ok though.

 

Might be easier to write them describing her, rather than singing them as if you were her.

[Oswlek]

I've made some changes after considering Max's advice and pictorial offering.

 

verse 1

Your room looks the same

Folded clothes at the foot of your bed

I never liked your posters, couldn't wait to take them down

Still they hang

 

verse 2

Golden necklace (or pendant) you'll never wear

Rests on the chair in the den

I can't bear to box it up

Feels too much like giving up

I can't, not yet.

 

refrain

How long must I wait

 

verse 3

Your ceremony was today

All your friends were there

I hate myself for wishing

It was one of them instead, instead...

 

bridge

I still hear your phantom feet

Coming down the stairs

The agony is new again when I find you're not there

 

refrain

How long must I wait

 

The obvious allusions to the military are removed and I feel like the opening imagery is a bit less trite and more personal. Of course you are free to disagree. Thanks to all for the guidance and support.

 

The line ... How long must I wait .......... repeated, kind of restricts you to making it a song about someone who can't find closure or won't accept the loved one is dead. You are going to need some hard hitting lines to make a song of that sort stand out. That's ok though.

 

I agree, but I feel that the melody is very strong and suits that visual. And even if it ends up sucking, I've enjoyed the process!

[Matximus]

Wow. Nice! This has much stronger emotional resonance than your initial take. And it's not hammy at all with the nods to real, complicated emotions. Leaving up the hated posters - and the friends you wish were dead (which I thought was the best stuff from your first take.)

 

The only thing I can think of is with the clues. People might disagree with me - but when I think of poster's on the wall I think of boys, although I guess really young girl's plaster their wall's with teen idols and stuff, right? But Pendants are girls all the way in my mind. I don't know - maybe I'm wrong about the posters. I haven't stepped into a teenage girls' bedroom since I was a teenager myself, and that was a while ago....

 

Anyway - good stuff.

[Oswlek]

 

Wow. Nice! This has much stronger emotional resonance than your initial take. And it's not hammy at all with the nods to real, complicated emotions. Leaving up the hated posters - and the friends you wish were dead (which I thought was the best stuff from your first take.) The only thing I can think of is with the clues. People might disagree with me - but when I think of poster's on the wall I think of boys, although I guess really young girl's plaster their wall's with teen idols and stuff, right? But Pendants are girls all the way in my mind. I don't know - maybe I'm wrong about the posters. I haven't stepped into a teenage girls' bedroom since I was a teenager myself, and that was a while ago.... Anyway - good stuff.

 

 

Thanks. Your pictures and critique were a tremendous help so I'm glad you like it.

 

I completely agree about the other stuff, I just can't think of anything purely unisex that the loved one might still have lying around. If you can think of anything, I'm all ears.

[jonPhillips]

 

Anyway, Dig this for inspiration: http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2010/03/21/magazine/20100321-soliders-bedrooms-slideshow.html?hp I know it's not a song. But this is a visual artist succeeding in trying to say something new and relevant about the consequences of war.

 

 

That's really powerful. Thanks for posting, I doubt I'd have stumbled across that otherwise.

 

Also, what a great thread. A gracious and open OP, able to receive excellent feedback and react to it positively, with sensible and mature replies (full of good advice). End result

[Lee Knight]

Nice, nice rewrite. Really good.

[SnowAngel]

My take might be a bit different. I haven't written for a couple days because my son is here for R&R from Afghanistan. So, I wake up every day thinking about this possibility.

 

One event that I dread more than any other is seeing the soldiers at my front door. This event is well-portrayed in the movie, "The Messenger."

 

One day, I drove up and some poor LADWP (power company) dude in uniform was at my door. My entire body went cold and I started to scream inside before he turned around and I could see that he wasn't military.

 

I have all of my son's medals for competitions in boot camp hanging on my living room wall. I pinned his sergeant's stripes on him before he left -- and I drove his car from Oklahoma to California before he deployed. And cried the entire way.

 

The one medal I do NOT want is the medal of valor called the Purple Heart. You only get one of them, with the flag that was draped over his or her coffin.

 

Which presents another possible approach, if not another song: female soldiers die and leave behind children who will never know their mom.

 

I would go with "The Purple Heart, not meant to wear. Pinned to the cloth of your empty chair."

 

My two cents.

[LeonardScaper]

"The Purple Heart, not meant to wear. Pinned to the cloth of your empty chair."

 

[Oswlek]

 

I would go with "The Purple Heart, not meant to wear. Pinned to the cloth of your empty chair."

 

 

This is a great line, I may have to steal it!

 

As for this song, I am going to take Max's advice that a military death is not something to toy around with. I have no intention of taking it all the way, so I'm not going to start it at all.

 

But that is a great line.

 

 

Also, what a great thread. A gracious and open OP, able to receive excellent feedback and react to it positively, with sensible and mature replies (full of good advice). End result

[Lee Knight]

 

I would go with "The Purple Heart, not meant to wear. Pinned to the cloth of your empty chair."

 

 

Wow. That's a good line. It says a lot with just a few words.

[SnowAngel]

This is a great line, I may have to steal it!

 

It's all yours. If you hadn't started the song, I wouldn't have thought of it.

[Matximus]

 

My take might be a bit different. I haven't written for a couple days because my son is here for R&R from Afghanistan. So, I wake up every day thinking about this possibility. One event that I dread more than any other is seeing the soldiers at my front door. This event is well-portrayed in the movie, "The Messenger." One day, I drove up and some poor LADWP (power company) dude in uniform was at my door. My entire body went cold and I started to scream inside before he turned around and I could see that he wasn't military. I have all of my son's medals for competitions in boot camp hanging on my living room wall. I pinned his sergeant's stripes on him before he left -- and I drove his car from Oklahoma to California before he deployed. And cried the entire way. The one medal I do NOT want is the medal of valor called the Purple Heart. You only get one of them, with the flag that was draped over his or her coffin. Which presents another possible approach, if not another song: female soldiers die and leave behind children who will never know their mom. I would go with "The Purple Heart, not meant to wear. Pinned to the cloth of your empty chair." My two cents.

 

 

Now that's some song content!!! Not the stuff about the female soldiers leaving kids behind so much. She's a mother and a fighter. I mean, of course it could work. But it's a tad melodramatic for my taste.

 

I'd favor an understated approach when tackling the the military thing. That's one of my biggest gripes about people's perception about the military: They get carried away with all the sweeping stuff about honor duty and sacrifice when the truth is it's just regular people doing a really tough job. A job that creates pain for a lot of people.

 

What you said here in your post is really powerful and honest.

 

Mistaking the power company guy for a soldier bearing bad news. Pinning Sergeants Stripes on your child. The training badges on the wall. The long lonely drive in his car after deployment. Praying he earns no medals. That's true stuff.

 

And I apologize for objectifying your pain - but that was good writing there.

 

Work that stuff into some artfull and simple verses and you've got yourself a real heartbreaker. The details would do it all - you wouldn't need to say anything else ... like "I'm so proud of you... I'm worried about you... I remember when you were a little boy... look at you now..." It wouldn't be necessary: A dad drives his son's car across country after the child deploys to a combat area. Hell, I'm starting to tear up at the thought of it.

[Matximus]

Oh yeah - and I assumed you were a man. You could be a woman - so sorry about that if I was wrong.