Members Oswlek Posted August 14, 2010 Members Share Posted August 14, 2010 Hey all, I hope you are well. I'm in the midst of a lyric quandry and hope you can help. I wrote a new song that has a pretty simple storyline, but I'm not sure if the refrain works. Here are the lyrics Yesterday... the strangest thing happened to meI called your name... through the depths of the deepest sleepI don't know... why I feel the way I doFrom long ago... those timeworn woes are all brand newI was naked in the pinesI was naked in the pinesWide awake... a wave of dreams rolling byWhy'd it take... a whisper in the dead of nightIn the morning glare... this inescapable truthUnaware... living in the shadow of our youthI am naked in the pinesI'm still naked in the pinesI will love... can't escape the pastI will love... but I can raise a glassI will love... to those yesteryearsI will love... and move on from here I like most of it, but I'm not sure about the "naked in the pines" thing. I was going for something that would demonstrate vulnerability, insecurity - to show it rather than say it. I think it does, but I'm not sure whether it fits or is strong enough to be a refrain. Can you please let me know what you think? Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted August 14, 2010 Members Share Posted August 14, 2010 Well, that's precisely what it communicated to me... throw in some bewilderment, too, since the context has me just imagining the protagonist 'waking up' naked in the forest in his dream. So, yeah, that works. Now, is it too much of a distraction? I dunno. For me it almost stands on its own, despite the fact that it's actually tightly integrated with the 'plotline' of the song. And I think it seems like it kind of does so successfully -- it does seem to be like the emotional metaphor at the core of the song: suddenly he wakes up, naked, alone, and vulnerable in an unfamiliar yet primal/archetypal situation/location. So... yeah. I think it works. For me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted August 16, 2010 Members Share Posted August 16, 2010 Yeah, naked in the pines works Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted August 16, 2010 Members Share Posted August 16, 2010 Naked in the pines works. Fits with the story, nice metaphor, and should sing really well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Matximus Posted August 16, 2010 Members Share Posted August 16, 2010 Naked in the Pines is by far the most interesting lyric in the whole thing. You'd be crazy to change it. I'd reconsider some of the I Will Love refrains. The stab at closure is either phoney or confused. I mean, is this dude moving on or still naked in the pines. Make up your mind already. The songs about being hung up on {censored}; I'd resist the Resist the temptation to muck it all up by trying to say any more than that. Keep. It. Simple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SnowAngel Posted August 16, 2010 Members Share Posted August 16, 2010 "Naked in the pines" also gives the feeling of being stuck by the needles. So there's also a pain factor. It really worked for me. And to me made the "I will love" mean more since he'll love in spite of having been hurt. Nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockinrobby Posted August 16, 2010 Members Share Posted August 16, 2010 I liked the naked in the pines verse, the rest of my message was > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted August 16, 2010 Author Members Share Posted August 16, 2010 "Naked in the pines" also gives the feeling of being stuck by the needles. So there's also a pain factor. It really worked for me. And to me made the "I will love" mean more since he'll love in spite of having been hurt. Nice. Thanks a lot for this post, that was precisely what I was going for. Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted August 17, 2010 Author Members Share Posted August 17, 2010 A couple changes in a rewrite. Yesterday... the strangest thing happened to meI called your name... through the depths of the deepest sleepI don't know... why I feel the way I doFrom long ago... those timeworn woes are born anewI was naked in the pinesI was naked in the pinesWide awake... a wave of dreams rolling byWhy'd it take... a whisper in the dead of nightIn the morning glare... this inescapable truthUnaware... living in the shadow of our youthI am naked in the pinesI'm still naked in the pinesI will love... time will tellI will love... If I can meltI will love... this frozen stanceI will love... can't claim ignorance no more I like the first change because I think it explains the emergence of old emotion more clearly. It also has a nice internal rhyme (worn/born) The changes at the end do a better job of keeping the protaganist in his "stuck" place. He sees the light, but knows there is still work to do. It counters the more positive "I will love" to create an ambivalence that usually exists when people must make changes. The earlier addition to too happy at the end. Thanks to Matx for giving me the poke I needed to alter that. Any comments? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Matximus Posted August 17, 2010 Members Share Posted August 17, 2010 I see what you mean. It reads lousy. But there is a significant melodic shift that precipitates the lyric change. I agree that some of the latter parts of those lines are a bit cheesy (still trying to find something better for lines 3/4) but only "I will love" is up front as the the other parts are sung by the backing vocals. I'm about 98.7% sure it works. : Oh, in that case, I wouldn't change a thing then. Songs aren't meant to work on the page. They're supposed to work as songs. So absolutely - do whatever suits the melody best. Always. Even if it's cheesy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jonny333 Posted August 17, 2010 Members Share Posted August 17, 2010 Hard to tell without the music, but I think the imagery created works Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted August 17, 2010 Members Share Posted August 17, 2010 I love these lyrics. I am big on writing from that place......one of deep feelings that come in the night. Get some music going as soon as you can and see what happens with those excellent images. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted August 17, 2010 Author Members Share Posted August 17, 2010 I love these lyrics.I am big on writing from that place......one of deep feelings that come in the night.Get some music going as soon as you can and see what happens with those excellent images. Thanks Len, the music is already written I just need to record it. I rarely write lyrics without accompanying music, FWIW. I can't seem to do so without a melody tugging at the strings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted August 17, 2010 Members Share Posted August 17, 2010 I can't seem to do so without a melody tugging at the strings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ido1957 Posted August 18, 2010 Members Share Posted August 18, 2010 Well I'm going to be the man out here. I don't like "naked in the pines". I have nothing to suggest in it's place so I'm not much help am I ??. The rest of the lyrics are very very good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SnowAngel Posted August 18, 2010 Members Share Posted August 18, 2010 Well I'm going to be the man out here. I don't like "naked in the pines". I have nothing to suggest in it's place so I'm not much help am I ??. The rest of the lyrics are very very good. Oh, Ido, it's just because you have so many pine trees up in Canada that it seems too cliche. Out here in Southern California, we just don't have so many. What are we going to say, "Naked in the palms?" I don't think so. But I truly think it all works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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