Acoustic Song - Strangers

[fightffyrdmns]

Hello,

 

I wrote this song today and would like to get some feedback on it. The quality is horrible because my microphone is broken, so I apologize for that. I think I'm overall happy with the lyrics, with the exception of the chorus, but it would be nice to have another pair of ears and eyes to look over the song.

 

Thanks!

 

[EDIT - Note from the MODERATOR: click on the zshare link below at your own risk! As I noted in a post below, in two separate attempts to play or DL this track, I was first directed to an unwanted website where a video I didn't want to see started playing automatically. Annoying. The second time, however, a pop up appeared promoting a highly suspicious -- and presumably malware spreading -- "security software." I strongly recommend not clicking. The recently added YouTube link should be fine though! --blue2blue, moderator]

 

http://www.zshare.net/audio/814325140b6edfbc/

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YN5sYdHT20

 

Lyrics

 

Autumn's here and these words are heavy

How long did it take for you to speak?

Every intake of breath shook a nerve in me

'Cause I never knew when you'd get up to leave

 

Windows shut, and this empty silence

fills the room, making our voices weaken

Did you ever even want me?

Just nod or shake your head silently

 

i don't want to be strangers like we were before

You said you can't see us be anything more

So I won't try anymore

 

No goodbyes and we keep it quiet

The night is calm, but my heart can hardly bear it

I won't admit how much I'll miss you

Unless, of course, you say it back too

[LeonardScaper]

Well now..........where to start......

 

Your voice is beautiful, and the way it comes across in this recording makes me want to go into the studio and break all of my microphones.

 

I used to send stuff home to my mother to review.....many years ago. She would send the material back to me meticulously corrected for grammar, sentence structure and general use and when I tried it that way it always fell flat.

I tried to explain to her that the words needed to be that way....artistically. Now, all these years later, I have come to the conclusion that we were both right.

 

I read your lyrics before I listened and there were a number of places that bothered me......

 

Every intake of breath shook a nerve in me....struck might work better.

 

making our voices weaken....doesn't quite work from a structural standpoint.....maybe weaker.

 

be anything more/So I won't try anymore..............

 

Unless, of course, you say it back too......how about back to me?

 

But.......when I played the song all of those petty observations disappeared......gone. It's a beautiful song.

[CockleHocker]

I really enjoyed this. You have a really lovely voice. Great song.

 

I also liked the atmosphere of the recording. It's almost like a dream, if that makes sense.

 

Great job!

[blue2blue]

I tried to listen to your song but that download site first loaded an unwanted pop-up to a 'pregnancy girl' website where a video started automatically playing, interrupting what I was doing.

 

And then, when I decided to try to give it a second chance, it popped a window trying to get me to install some bogus 'security software.'

 

Which is why -- as moderator -- I've edited your post to warn people about the apparent potential for getting malware by visiting that site.

 

You really need to find a reputable place to allow people to download your music.

I'm sure none of that was your intent.

 

But I was most definitely not amused.

[fightffyrdmns]

I tried to listen to your song but that download site first loaded an unwanted pop-up to a 'pregnancy girl' website where a video started automatically playing, interrupting what I was doing. And then, when I decided to try to give it a second chance, it popped a window trying to get me to install some bogus 'security software.' Which is why -- as moderator -- I've edited your post to warn people about the apparent potential for getting malware by visiting that site. You really need to find a reputable place to allow people to download your music. I'm sure none of that was your intent. But I was most definitely not amused.

 

Whoops. Sorry for that. Nothing like that happened to me when I visited the site. I put up a Youtube link so people don't have that problem anymore.

[blue2blue]

 

Whoops. Sorry for that. Nothing like that happened to me when I visited the site. I put up a Youtube link so people don't have that problem anymore.

 

Thanks!

 

Yeah... it popped up a "security warning" window that wouldn't allow any exit without a click into the box -- which can be all it takes to invite the devil down onto your computer. I gave it the three finger salute (to bring up the Win Task Manager) and did a force quit of Firefox. But blinkin' FF apparently resets itself to always open up windows that were open when it crashed -- now there's a makesense thing, huh? So I ended up back on the DL site, fighting off another wave of pop-ups.

 

Suffice it to say I ran Trend Micro's Housecall afterwards, just to be sure, although I didn't click the pop-ups, so I was pretty sure I was good.

 

Still, a similar thing happened a few years back and when I ran Housecall, it found the uninstalled payload that had been downloaded to me via ad servers at AllMusic.com.

 

I had a similar experience at Soundclick and they responded right away, telling me that they'd discovered the malware -- packaged with bundled ads they'd contracted to serve -- and removed it. I sent an email explaining the problem to AllMusic and they sent me back a sort of form reply a couple days later. By that time, the same malware had been infecting a number of people, as it was being served up through ads at a lot of major media sites like Yahoo and even The Economist Online.

 

When I got the quasi-form leter thing from AllMusic, I went to the site, there was another attempt, I wrote them another email, citing the prompt response from Soundclick and what they had found and point them to articles in the tech press about the now well-known problem. I got a personal message that said they were now aware of the problem and were "working on it."

 

Of course, if they had taken my earlier message to heart, they could have saved a lot of people getting infected. I used to really like AllMusic -- but they are truly idiots.

 

 

As long as the people you want to reach are on broadband, YouTube is actually a pretty good way to put up stuff -- as long as fidelity isn't much of an issue. Some of their data compression algo's really hose the sound. It can be hard to predict.

 

But, on the upside, everyone knows how to work it, it doesn't tend to scare folks off, and they let you put links in each vid's info area, which can really help you integrate your various web presences.

[SomeoneYouKnew]

Hi,

 

It sounds nice enough but you're right about the chorus. It's too short. I wrote a couple of lines you might add to the middle of of it. Maybe you can make them work, or perhaps they'll give you some other ideas.

 

I also wrote some changes for a couple of lines you have. Changes are blue, additions are green.

 

I also wrote another section that seems to go along with the thoughts you have. Maybe you can use it as another verse or a bridge or something, idk.

 

EDIT:

I've removed the changes I suggested. Upon further thought, I've decided it would be rude and insulting of me to post that much without your permission.

 

Cheers,

SYK

[blue2blue]

I'm kinda glad you went the YouTube route, I thought the intimacy of your performance was really compelling. These aren't clever, poetic lyrics; they're direct and plan spoken. Typically, that makes good communication, but not necessarily really entertaining songs. But there's a nice avoidance of cliches and some nicely evocative descriptive touches that, combined with your performance, give one a nice sense of character and emotion. Good job!

 

[SomeoneYouKnew]

I'm kinda glad you went the YouTube route, I thought the intimacy of your performance was really compelling. These aren't clever, poetic lyrics ; they're direct and plan spoken. Typically, that makes good communication, but not necessarily really entertaining songs. But there's a nice avoidance of cliches and some nicely evocative descriptive touches that, combined with your performance, give one a nice sense of character and emotion. Good job !

go ahead, blue. you can come right out and say you didn't like my suggestions.

[rsadasiv]

Sweet song. I like SYK's edits.

[blue2blue]

 

Actually, I didn't even look at your suggestions. I don't like to let other folks' take on songs that are up for feedback influence me. Sometimes I do go back and read them, but I hadn't this time.

 

Another issue is that I, personally, don't care to have people suggest improvements to me with my own songs. Others do, of course, and that's cool. But, for me, I find it intrusive and offputting. And on those very rare occasions when someone actually suggests something that I like, I feel really funny about using it, even if it's something I probably would have come up with eventually on my own, if left to my own devices, since I often go back, sometimes years later, to fix parts that have bugged me. It's kind of like working on a puzzle and then having someone come along, right when you're about to finish all on your own and "help you" by finding the last piece before you had a chance.

 

But, again, lots of folks do like getting those suggestions. So, you know, I decided a while back to just ask folks not to give me suggestions. Tell me what they don't like, and leave it at that.

[Marshal]

Makes me want to break all of Leonard's microphones too.

 

;) ;)

;)

 

 

:poke:

[SomeoneYouKnew]

Actually, I didn't even look at your suggestions.

Yeah, just some self-deprecation about my words being poetic and cliche.

 

I'm usually not so bold as to suggest more that swapping out a word or switching the order of something around. But I flashed on something here and thought I'd toss it up and see if she could use anything out of it. I won't be surprised or hurt if she tells me to GTFO.

[blue2blue]

Oh, I think many folks really appreciate the effort.

 

I just personally always need to remember to make it clear that I'm not among that number. I actually feel guilty for the effort that others might put in doing that, since seeing it suggested by someone else makes it far less likely that I'd use it, even at the expense of the song. While I'm wary of the not invented here syndrome in business, I tend to approach music differently. For me it's not about perfecting my product so much as following the muse. That may be a sign of an immature approach to craft but it's kind of what I do.

 

All that said, I put a lot of weight in the opinions of others with regard to things that don't work, I find it extraordinarily helpful to have someone call attention to the song's sore thumb bits. I don't always act on it, in most cases I already knew they were some kind of issue, but they're there for a reason. I'm trying to figure out how big a problem a given tradeoff spot is.

[LeonardScaper]

Makes me want to break all of Leonard's microphones too.

 

Won't help........I'll never sing like that.

 

WRT lyrical suggestions......I always appreciate it when folks get specific on me. I may not use those suggestions, although I have, but many times they become lessons in structure, cadence and rhyme that find their way to future projects.

 

Actually, I just realized that I seldom offer lyrical changes. It just seemed right in this case.

[junkyard bennie]

I thought the voice was distorted a bit too much

Guitar playing was very nice

Although you didn't have a backing, you have a presence in your singing and playing that makes up for it. Just run your mike clean, nothing to hide, you have a sweet voice ????

[Claudia27]

You have a wonderful voice and the song is really beautiful. Keep up the good work!

[grace_slick]

This song is really lovely...your voice is sweet and soft...very calming and dreamy...

 

I can hear this song on the radio...as is.