Members stickboymusic Posted March 6, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 "carry all your wrongs" is the oneThat phrase makes perfect sense to me. It sounds great to me. The phrase "to right these wrongs" works. So why not here as well. I think you've got it. the problem was the song is full of perfect rhymes... but on this line wrongS is rhyming with long can i just drop the S on wrongs..... or does that make no sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 6, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 6, 2012 Sorry, I edited my post after you quoted me. I don't think it is an issue. Does it feel wrong to you when you sing it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted March 6, 2012 Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 the problem was the song is full of perfect rhymes...but on this line wrongS is rhyming with longcan i just drop the S on wrongs..... or does that make no sense? Rules are meant to be broken. There is nothing wrongs with that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 6, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 Rules are meant to be broken. There is nothing wrongs with that... haha what a chump! it doesn't feel wrong at all to sing but just trying to iron out any issues BEFORE recording Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 6, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 One other idea you tell me nothings changinghow the water isnt rising in the seahow theres nothing more beautiful than angerhow theres nothing more beautiful then me how d'you feel about changing anger to failure hinting at that they could be calling me a failure? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 6, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 6, 2012 I reread the full lyric then listened again. I think the comment (re: wongs) was made more for how it looks than any sort of aural issue. And... as a matter of fact, there's a school of thought that suggests imperfect rhymes, used in strategic places, further the meaning. I can't think of a more appropriate place the talking abut letting the wind take away wrongs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 6, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 6, 2012 Anger has a evolutionary feel. Failure feels full stop. I like anger. It's a transitory emotion and one we can learn from. So is failure, but it feels less so in this usage. I like anger, or confusion, or some other less final sounding state. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 6, 2012 Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 Listening to it again, I don't think the "s" on "wrongs" sticks out all that much. I think what prompted me in that direction was two things: 1) The "r" sound is not an easy one to sing, and you've got three of them (carry/your/wrongs), and two of them are mashed up together. But that can be solved by careful diction. 2) I like the idea of the wind carrying away the feelings this persons has, whatever they may be, but I'm not in love with "carry all your wrongs." I just think it's an inexact way of saying what you mean. I don't know if this is any better. It's certainly more on the nose (which may make it worse), but it's a suggestion. (I think it's also more direct, more visceral, and less conceptual, which is always good.) Find a place to lose your burdens youve been bearing them for years let this open space surround you let the wind blow away your tears. Just a thought. I'm no longer feeling that wrongs is wrong, so it's okay as is, IMO. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 6, 2012 Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 Run with it as is. Wrongs is all right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 6, 2012 Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 I like 'wrongs' The only thing I don't care for is the last line of the chorusto turn to smoke this endless flame The imagery is lovely and it is a neat way to describe putting a fire out, but the wording is sort of tongue twistery. Ultimately, for me anyway, it takes away from the beauty of the song. I'd rather see something more straight forward. of putting out this endless flame to extinguish this endless flame to satisfy this endless flame Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 6, 2012 Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 I like 'wrongs' The only thing I don't care for is the last line of the chorus to turn to smoke this endless flameThe imagery is lovely and it is a neat way to describe putting a fire out, but the wording is sort of tongue twistery. Ultimately, for me anyway, it takes away from the beauty of the song. I'd rather see something more straight forward. of putting out this endless flame to extinguish this endless flame to satisfy this endless flame Scroll back through the thread and you'll see a similar (though not nearly as in depth) comment from me, but it didn't bother me as much this time around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 6, 2012 Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 I really like it. Great potential.The extended C chord that starts the chorus seemed too simplistic with just a guitar but I'm sure you have some layering in mind there."Turn to smoke this endless flame" also struck me as being a little akward, expecially compared to the rest of the lyrics. I like "this endless flame" so if there is an issue, it i with the first part.I'm sure this will be a doozy when you are done with it. word, +1, etc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 7, 2012 Members Share Posted March 7, 2012 I've just listened to this for the 1st time. I think most bases have been covered by comments, but there's one aspect that I think needs a tweak. The way you sing the line, 'and turn to smoke this endless flame'. - because the word 'this' runs immediately after the word 'smoke', 'smoke' can be construed as a verb instead of a noun. Obviously you're not smoking. If you insert a pause, it would sound better to my ears. 'and turn to smoke // this endless flame'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members gtrbarbarian Posted March 7, 2012 Members Share Posted March 7, 2012 I think this could easily hit the airwaves, like today. Great job, great lyrics, music and vibe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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