Feedback please

[mockchoi]

I'd appreciate some feedback on this song. It's a (very) rough demo, and I know the vocals are too far back. But overlooking that, can you tell me what you think? I can't decide.

 

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=10443614&q=hi&newref=1

 

Much appreciated!

[KingOfBling]

keep the hats playing 8ths when you swing. it sounds strange when they go to 16ths.

 

once you get past the fact that it sounds like it was recorded on a laptop mic pushed up against the amp, it's not too bad tho!

 

the lyrics and and melody fit the rawness of the whole thing overall.

[blue2blue]

Hi, mockchoi, I normally don't weigh in on lyrics unless they're posted somewhere (too easy to get them wrong; much easier to get the big picture from them when they're laid out where you can see them). And, in this case, it's pretty tough to catch them. For a songwriter demo, it's probably best to err on the side of clarity rather than cool. (Assuming one thinks burying the vocals is cool, as many do.) The song structure seems pretty good, the riffing sounds like it could provide some good hookiness once you've sorted out the various performance issues reflected in this rough demo. (Hint: rhythm/tightness seems to be the biggest challenge as reflected here. Not really a songwriting issue, but it will be important going forward.)

[mockchoi]

Lyrics are:

 

Rolling down the interstate

Make it home before I wake

Wish you hadn't slept so late

How you gonna explain?

 

I've heard the stories many times

You're car broke down, you met a friend

Somehow you lost track of time

I always know when you lie

 

You say you needed to unwind

And he had you dined and wined

To take you back I'm disinclined

Because you're just the cheatin' kind

 

Say you had too much to drink

You can't remember anything

Tired of all your bad acting

Quit your stupid babbling

 

He took advantage then you say

My love you never would betray

You'll never call him up again

You ask forgiveness from me then

 

You say you needed to unwind

And he had you dined and wined

To take you back I'm disinclined

Because you're just the cheatin' kind

 

You used to be the woman for me

But now you're all on your own

 

 

My intent was to make the music itself a little humorous in order to not have the song seem 'bitter'...I like having a dichotomy between music and lyrics.

 

Thanks for the feedback, feel free to be harsh!

[blue2blue]

Yeah... I like the idea of putting some ironic distance in there. Cheatin' songs are probably best leavened with a little humor.

 

I had to go back and listen to the song again to get the feel of the lyrics in context. On the page, the rhymes seem like they could be way too confining, but going back to the way they're delivered, if anything, the tight, almost obsessive rhyme framework seems to add to the less-than-dead-serious feel, so that's a good thing.

 

The White Stripes feel works best on the guitar here but I think you'll need to tighten everything up considerably to get the whole thing to work for a finished version, but that's kind of outside the scope of this forum. But I think you're definitely on to something fun, here!

[rsadasiv]

Has the makings of a fun song - it's like the White Stripes with Rivers Cuomo guesting on vocals. For the next version tighten up the rhythm and spend a little more time thinking about your note choices on lead guitar.

[Oswlek]

I agree with everything that's already been said. The rhythm needs to be tightened, the lead needs to be rethought during the solo, the hihat sounds strange when it speeds up.

 

The harmonies also need to be tightened up.

 

All in all, I liked it. Certainly has potential.

[mockchoi]

Thanks for all the feedback. I've re-worked the song to try and make it tighter, and have taken some of the other suggestions as well.

 

People seem not to like the solo, but I haven't changed it much. My idea behind the solo was to make it sound like a somewhat silly argument. I may not have grabbed that feeling, but I couldn't come up with anything that I liked better. The new version is at:

 

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=10457775&q=hi&newref=1

 

Thanks again, and if anyone has any additional suggestions I'd love to hear them.