Members rhino55 Posted April 14, 2011 Members Share Posted April 14, 2011 I haven Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 14, 2011 Moderators Share Posted April 14, 2011 Yean... nice. I love the face/lace thing. Very cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 14, 2011 Members Share Posted April 14, 2011 Very nice. "Road worn smile" seems fine to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 14, 2011 Author Members Share Posted April 14, 2011 Very nice. "Road worn smile" seems fine to me. thanks fellas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rockinrobby Posted April 15, 2011 Members Share Posted April 15, 2011 "I think I see a faceIt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted April 15, 2011 Members Share Posted April 15, 2011 Yean... nice. I love the face/lace thing. Very cool. Yean? LOL I like that word. I really like this song a LOT. It intrigues me muchly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 15, 2011 Members Share Posted April 15, 2011 Very, very nice. Minimalism: I like it. I only have one question. In this section,Her lips are sealedShe gestures to me soThe only question I haveIs not one she can know Is this supposed to mean that she doesn't know the question, or that she doesn't know the answer? You seem to be implying that she doesn't know the answer. If that's the case, then I think this might need a slight rewrite. But otherwise, it's beautifully written. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 15, 2011 Moderators Share Posted April 15, 2011 Yean? LOL I like that word. Yeah... yean. I like that word too! Yean. He was tall and lean In his tight black jeans In a word man... he was yean Unbelievably yean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 15, 2011 Author Members Share Posted April 15, 2011 Very, very nice. Minimalism: I like it.I only have one question. In this section,Her lips are sealedShe gestures to me soThe only question I haveIs not one she can knowIs this supposed to mean that she doesn't know the question, or that she doesn't know the answer? You seem to be implying that she doesn't know the answer. If that's the case, then I think this might need a slight rewrite.But otherwise, it's beautifully written.LCK good catch... no great catch The idea for this one is there are 3 characters. Narrator, an imagined face, and some one who's not there (presumably the owner of said piece of lace). The one who is not there is only mentioned one time "you've been gone a while." The question the narrator wants to ask the imagined face, where is that person. Which the imagined face cant know because, well... it's not real. I thought this part was a little unclear when I wrote it, but convinced myself it was ok because it would work on both levels you mentioned. Do you think it would be stronger if I did it like this? Her lips are sealedShe gestures to me soWith only one questionThat I need to know I think that particular verse is clearer that way, but I like the set up of the subsequent verse with this one saying basically... she wont talk. she cant understand me when I do... into I ask my question anyway hmmmm.... what do youl think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 15, 2011 Members Share Posted April 15, 2011 Road worn smile really resonates with me... I love it. Maybe it's because of all my time I spent on the road and the realization that it is both a joyful experience, and a trying one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 15, 2011 Members Share Posted April 15, 2011 good catch... no great catchThe idea for this one is there are 3 characters. Narrator, an imagined face, and some one who's not there Boy, that's a tough set-up for minimalism, isn't it? I haven't heard the tune, so this may not work (it adds an extra syllable), but what about: Her lips are sealedShe speaks with a glanceThe only question I haveIs one she can't answer I'd have to hear the tune to know if something like that -- not necessarily that particular set of words -- would work or not. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 15, 2011 Author Members Share Posted April 15, 2011 Road worn smile really resonates with me... I love it. Maybe it's because of all my time I spent on the road and the realization that it is both a joyful experience, and a trying one. cheers! I know the feeling. I think that's the case with a bunch of us songwriter types. That being the case I was worried that it was getting too close to cliche land. I wrote a song specifically about being on the road playing music. If you haven't seen it yet, you might dig it too. It's Roadcase Rodeo http://www.ryanmakesnoise.com/media/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 15, 2011 Author Members Share Posted April 15, 2011 Boy, that's a tough set-up for minimalism, isn't it? I haven't heard the tune, so this may not work (it adds an extra syllable), but what about: Her lips are sealed She speaks with a glance The only question I have Is one she can't answer I'd have to hear the tune to know if something like that -- not necessarily that particular set of words -- would work or not. LCK I shot a video last night and brought the camera to the office so I could upload it today only to realize the computer doesnt have a slot for the memory card. I'm about to go check and see if anybody else has one. If not I'll get it up this weekend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 15, 2011 Members Share Posted April 15, 2011 I shot a video last night and brought the camera to the office so I could upload it today only to realize the computer doesnt have a slot for the memory card. I'm about to go check and see if anybody else has one. If not I'll get it up this weekend Heyooooo!!!! Guess the wife is ok with these lyrics? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted April 16, 2011 Members Share Posted April 16, 2011 Yeah... yean. I like that word too! Yean. He was tall and lean In his tight black jeans In a word man... he was yean Unbelievably yean BAHAHA! LOVE IT! As he walked the streets Folks called him mean But he was cool And oh so yean The song shall be called, simply...YEAN. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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