Can you help me lighten this up?

[mockchoi]

Can I get criticism/opinions about this song? I was going for humor, at least a humorous undertone, and am not sure if I got there. If you think the song sounds bitter, any lyrical suggestions to add levity are appreciated. And of course if you think the song sucks, I'd like to know that as well.

 

http://soundcloud.com/unexpected-x/i-wont-be-seeing-you

 

It's a fine, fine day

Been waiting three long years

Step on in, sit right down

I'll try to tell you and be sincere

 

You tell me that I'm a lying man

Your paranoia runs so deep

Find someone else to order around

You have it all, but you are so cheap

 

I'm tired of handling you with kid gloves

I'm goddamn sick of Florida love

Leaving here is a dream come true

And best of all,

I won't be seeing you

I won't be seeing you

 

Show up early, say I'm late

Drop your things on the ground

Mix a drink, or maybe three

I'm sure you're glad that I'm not around

 

I'm tired of handling you with kid gloves

I'm goddamn sick of Florida love

Leaving here is a dream come true

And best of all,

I won't be seeing you

I won't be seeing you

 

A fine, a fine fine day

A fine fine day

Today

[Oswlek]

Reminds me a bit of "I'm Looking Through You". The lyrics definitely come across a little bitter, but when paired with the music it is far less so.

 

The best way to interject humor, IMO, is to retrack the vocal. Right now it sounds too clinical with the melody being the same each verse/bridge/etc. Play with it a little to add some flair and then sing it with more of a sparkle in your eye, if that makes any sense.

 

Having the music highlight certain lines with a change in the guitar, drum fill or whatever would also move more in the direction you want.

[LCK]

I think the tone is perfect. No need to lighten it up. (Some people might object to the word "goddamn," but it seems to be a pretty good expression of the way you feel.)

 

The only thing I would change is that the rhythm of some of the phrases -- particularly "I'm tired of handling you with kid gloves," and "I'm goddamn sick of Florida love" -- is awkward. I'd work on that.

 

LCK

[blue2blue]

Can I get criticism/opinions about this song? I was going for humor, at least a humorous undertone, and am not sure if I got there. If you think the song sounds bitter, any lyrical suggestions to add levity are appreciated. And of course if you think the song sucks, I'd like to know that as well. http://soundcloud.com/unexpected-x/i-wont-be-seeing-you It's a fine, fine day Been waiting three long years Step on in, sit right down I'll try to tell you and be sincere You tell me that I'm a lying man Your paranoia runs so deep Find someone else to order around You have it all, but you are so cheap I'm tired of handling you with kid gloves I'm goddamn sick of Florida love Leaving here is a dream come true And best of all, I won't be seeing you I won't be seeing you Show up early, say I'm late Drop your things on the ground Mix a drink, or maybe three I'm sure you're glad that I'm not around I'm tired of handling you with kid gloves I'm goddamn sick of Florida love Leaving here is a dream come true And best of all, I won't be seeing you I won't be seeing you A fine, a fine fine day A fine fine day Today

It has an agreeable light pop feel and a promising set up but I think it could stand to be sharpened up. The ironic distance comes over OK, I think, the lyrics and the music give it a poppy lightness that works for that. But I couldn't help but want more zingers in there. Some clever little put downs -- hopefully replacing the paranoia runs deep / you're so cheap verse, which is where things should really get funny and just a little bit wicked -- but which sort of falls down on the job (and the somewhat forced feel of the -eep rhyme seems to underline the unfocused -- and not terribly funny -- quality of those two observations about the other's faults...)

 

Seems to me you've got what, with a moderate amount more sharply focused work, could be a nice little break-up/put-down song. You're half-way there, give or take, seems to me.

[rhino55]

 

I think the tone is perfect. No need to lighten it up. (Some people might object to the word "goddamn," but it seems to be a pretty good expression of the way you feel.) The only thing I would change is that the rhythm of some of the phrases -- particularly "I'm tired of handling you with kid gloves," and "I'm goddamn sick of Florida love" -- is awkward. I'd work on that. LCK

 

 

Specifically the Flor-eh-da. Forcing it to be 3 syllables when it should be 2 is weird.

[mockchoi]

 

Specifically the Flor-eh-da. Forcing it to be 3 syllables when it should be 2 is weird.

 

 

Florida should be two syllables?

[rhino55]

Florida should be two syllables?

 

http://www.merriam-webster.com/cgi-bin/audio.pl?ggflor06.wav=Florida

 

The eh sound is there but it is super subtle and I'm pretty sure it is still just two syllables.

 

then again maybe not. The way I say the word is Flor-da so it is definitely two for me

[mockchoi]

Hmm. I'll have to think about these suggestions. Good thoughts all around, but I really need that 'Florida Love' line. It's the key to the whole song.

[rhino55]

I dont think there is any question about if you should keep Florida Love. That's a really cool line - it has to stay.

 

I didnt mean to imply you should get rid of it. I just think it would match up better rhythmically if you sang it as a two syllable word.

 

 

this sort of thing...

 

 

/..... /..../

with kid gloves

 

/...../..../

Florida Love

[Marshal]

This is very David Byrne-ish. The musical style keeps it light. The lyrics have a tongue-in-cheek value as does the vocal, yet there is a bite of truthfulness to it. ("You may find yourself, . . . ,")

 

I think that all works fine. I don't see a need to lighten it up any.

 

But I don't get the "waiting three long years" part. That's a strong reference placed right up front where it seems to have some importance. Then it's never explained or alluded to again.

[mockchoi]

Alright, thanks, this is what I'm hoping for. The suggestions about awkward phrasing, accenting, and Blue2Blue's suggestion about humor are all spot on. I have some ideas I'm going to play with this weekend and hopefully re-record it next week.

 

From the lyrics side though, if it's alright, I'd like to expand this discussion a little bit. I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone that hasn't written many songs, and is basically trying to learn how to write a song that works for me, and to some extent my band.

 

The songs that I have written so far I've consciously made impersonal. It seems to me that the place that I would go to in order to find songs based on MY life and MY feelings would lead to songs that wouldn't work in my current band setting. So usually tried to write from an outside perspective.

 

Having said that, this particular song , was my attempt to make something very personal. At the same time, I tried to make it 'accessible', to make it something that could be taken as a funny breakup song, which is not really at all what it's about to me.

 

But now I'm wondering a little bit about the validity of this approach...I don't know if I can bring this together in this way. In particular the 'Florida Love' line, which to me and people that know what I'm talking about is the funniest thing in the song. I thought maybe it could be an 'inside joke' and still work as a breakup 'summer love' type thing, but now I'm wondering. Also Blue2Blue's suggestions about changing the second verse make sense from a listener's perspective, but really those are the 'zingers' from the perspective I was writing. Same with Marshal's suggestion...I'm realizing now that the '3 years' line really doesn't make sense in a 'breakup song' perspective, but is needed for the song I was writing for myself.

 

I dunno...I'm rambling, and I'm not sure what I'm even really asking. Just hoping this'll direct people's thoughts toward something that'll help me.

 

Cheers.

[Remedy]

I'll give you my 2cents.

 

I clicked the song on and it played in the background while I was playing poker. So my perspective is from just a radio listener or whatever. I wasnt listening critically. Heres my thoughts.

 

- I was pleasantly surprised . I think its catchy.

- Didnt seem bitter. I got the slight toungue in cheek vibe like a kind of a '{censored} you Im free now' happy vibe

- the only words I remember are the 'wont be seeing you' - VERY catchy/memorable and the florida love bit too. So I wouldnt worry too much about the verses unless for your own satisfaction etc

- it reminded me of The Offspring ??? also your voice is like Tom Petty or Bob Dylan or something - sounded familiar

-I liked some of the guitar work

 

um thats about it but the chorus is reeaaally good. Simple/memorable and something ppl cant def relate to. IMO thats a proper hook. I like it

[rhino55]

 

Alright, thanks, this is what I'm hoping for. The suggestions about awkward phrasing, accenting, and Blue2Blue's suggestion about humor are all spot on. I have some ideas I'm going to play with this weekend and hopefully re-record it next week. From the lyrics side though, if it's alright, I'd like to expand this discussion a little bit. I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone that hasn't written many songs, and is basically trying to learn how to write a song that works for me, and to some extent my band. The songs that I have written so far I've consciously made impersonal. It seems to me that the place that I would go to in order to find songs based on MY life and MY feelings would lead to songs that wouldn't work in my current band setting. So usually tried to write from an outside perspective. Having said that, this particular song , was my attempt to make something very personal. At the same time, I tried to make it 'accessible', to make it something that could be taken as a funny breakup song, which is not really at all what it's about to me. But now I'm wondering a little bit about the validity of this approach...I don't know if I can bring this together in this way. In particular the 'Florida Love' line, which to me and people that know what I'm talking about is the funniest thing in the song. I thought maybe it could be an 'inside joke' and still work as a breakup 'summer love' type thing, but now I'm wondering. Also Blue2Blue's suggestions about changing the second verse make sense from a listener's perspective, but really those are the 'zingers' from the perspective I was writing. Same with Marshal's suggestion...I'm realizing now that the '3 years' line really doesn't make sense in a 'breakup song' perspective, but is needed for the song I was writing for myself. I dunno...I'm rambling, and I'm not sure what I'm even really asking. Just hoping this'll direct people's thoughts toward something that'll help me. Cheers.

 

 

I thinks it works as is. If you wanted to explain the florida love line and why it is so funny it would only strengthen it further

[Shadowdusk]

A damn catchy tune - agree on most points - the I won't be seeing you part is very catchy, and Florida would probably be better off as a 2 syllable word. Like it

[Marshal]

A song is a song. It stands on it's own. It NEEDS to stand on it's own, in the ears of the listener. It has to work for itself. It can be (should be) informed by something tangible in the world. It can have personal meaning for the writer or not. But the listener should get the impression that it means something to the writer. . . . , am I making any sense? (I'm not sure).

 

But what I think I'm getting at is; a song should not get bogged down in particular details of the author's situation, if they are not explained enough in the song to stand on their own. Life is complex stuff. A song is, at best, just the Cliff Notes version of life. We all (me anyway) want to write these tour-de-force EPICS that are definitive statements about something really important.

 

I'm reminded of a quote from Mies Van Der Rohe: "We fritter our lives away in details; Simplify !" (or something like that).

[Marshal]

One tact I try, from time to time, is to make up a story for a song that parallels some experiential (Oooh nice big word, huh?) event I have been involved in in some way. That way I can have my own insider story that I'm singing about that isn't directly spelled out in the song lyric. But the song lyric has it's own story-line that is consistent (I hope) within itself. And I don't have to feel like I'm spilling my guts out on the floor when I'm performing it. I can pretend to be more detached, if that suits my purpose. But at the same time it allows me to put in an appropriate amount of conviction to sell the song idea to a lister (so I imagine).