OK I lied, here is one more tune

[Mahuska]

I know I said in another thread I would just sit back and not share for a awhile Here is a True love song written at the same time the events were occurring.

First off I wonder If I should say "You have got to love yourself" instead of "You have got to Love you" If so I would have to tweak the melody line just a little. Also there are a few lines I'm not quite sure work.

Lyrics:

 

You have got to love you

 

When I kiss you I do miss you where's's the feeling where's the heart.

There's a question and no anwser I am falling apart.

I did love you when I knew you now I think something is wrong

Does your fear have a hold on what your willing to let go

 

If I had a chance just one more thing to say I'd offer you this song

Put in this Disc hit play

 

You have got to love you before the winter sets

because when love and hold you

the cold winds blowing south

I remember better times

Inside my head, inside my head

 

Do you wonder as you wander aimlessly past my old heart.

Many chances that you have sqandered

Life is short love is so long.

Thought I loved you thought I knew you

Now I try tolerance.

I am learning but still yearning for soul not broken

 

If I had a chance just one more thing to say I'd offer you this song

Put in this Disc hit play

 

You have got to love you before the winter sets

because when love and hold you

the cold winds blowing south

I remember better times

Inside my head, inside my head

 

Do you think I should say "Inside my head" twice or Just once followed by inside my heart?

clip

http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/you-have-got-to-love-you

[LCK]

 

I know I said in another thread I would just sit back and not share for a awhile Here is a True love song written at the same time the events were occurring. First off I wonder If I should say "You have got to love yourself" instead of "You have got to Love you" If so I would have to tweak the melody line just a little. Also there are a few lines I'm not quite sure work. Lyrics: You have got to love you When I kiss you I do miss you where's's the feeling where's the heart. There's a question and no anwser I am falling apart. I did love you when I knew you now I think something is wrong Does your fear have a hold on what your willing to let go If I had a chance just one more thing to say I'd offer you this song Put in this Disc hit play You have got to love you before the winter sets because when love and hold you the cold winds blowing south I remember better times Inside my head, inside my head Do you wonder as you wander aimlessly past my old heart. Many chances that you have sqandered Life is short love is so long. Thought I loved you thought I knew you Now I try tolerance. I am learning but still yearning for soul not broken If I had a chance just one more thing to say I'd offer you this song Put in this Disc hit play You have got to love you before the winter sets because when love and hold you the cold winds blowing south I remember better times Inside my head, inside my head Do you think I should say "Inside my head" twice or Just once followed by inside my heart? clip http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/you-have-got-to-love-you

 

 

Yeah, I would go with "love yourself" rather than "love you."

 

I think the variation in the last line would be nice.

 

There are some places where the lyric struggles to be understood, and where the prosody doesn't match the melody, like how you sing "tolerance," for example. I would look for places where it feels like you're straining to fit the words to the tune, or vice versa, and try to think of another way of saying the same thing.

 

As I wrote in that other thread, I think concrete details are what hooks the listener. That's why I think the best line in the song is about putting the disc in and hitting play. That creates a strong visual image of the person you're singing to doing just that. It puts us in her shoes. That's good writing. That's the kind of thing you should do more of, in my opinion, rather using generalized terms like "tolerance" and "learning" and "yearning."

 

By the way, I love the line "life is short, love is so long." That hits the lovelorn nail right on the head.

 

LCK

[Monkey Uncle]

I like the chorus melody a lot. I also like your voice. Great rock 'n' roll singing and guitar playing.

 

A few suggestions:

 

1) Look for opportunities to vary the vocal melody in the verses a little more. Right now you're singing the same melody four times through, and it gets a little old. Even within each line, there is quite a bit of melodic repetition. For example, in the first line, I really wanted you to go up to higher note on the word "feeling" (sorry I don't have the ear to tell you which note in the scale I am thinking).

 

2) The pre-chorus melody also hangs pretty close to the same melody as the verse. I'd change it up a little at both the beginning and end of each line.

 

3) Although musically the chorus sounds great, I was struggling to make sense of the lyrics. "Before the winter sets" is just a little too out there as a metaphor - I don't really know what it is supposed to mean. Also, the line "cold winds blowing south" seems like a non sequitur after the previous line "when I love and hold you." And lastly, "I remember better times inside my head" seems a bit redundant. Perhaps instead of having the protagonist "remember," you could have him "replay" better times inside his head.

 

4) The word "south" in the chorus is a bit jarring. I was expecting something that rhymes with "sets." I realize that may be a bit predictable, and perhaps you were trying to avoid that predictability. However, I don't think the sound of the word "south" works in that situation.

[Mahuska]

Wow guys thanks. Actually I was thinking some of the same things you both suggested. I admit some of the hardest things for me to do is marry the lyrics with a melody line in a way that it doesn't feel forced. I have a problem as well with some some of the lyrics like "before the winter sets" and the "cold winds blowing south" And the "inside my head" and the fact that it is repeated.

The advise about varying the melody in parts was something I didn't think of as at the time it seemed fine. Now I can see by doing that it would make some parts more interesting and as I sit here with my coffee can hear in my head some of these suggestions and already formulating changes of melody and lyrics in some parts

 

On a side note. Back in 2004 late summer early Autumn I lost a pet Parrot that I had for years in a tragic accident. I wrote a song about that bird and that song got me going on a songwriting spree. Then I came up with an idea to write and record enough songs for a CD I would give family/friends at Christmas time. That gave me a 3 month window. I wrote 20+ songs 14 of which made it to CD. I would do work on mixing before school and my job then come home and do more writing and recording. I was in the Music program(Vocal ED) at the local University and my part time job was a Job coach. With this schedule there are probably a lot of those tunes that didn't get enough attention. Since that time my focus has been improving my guitar skills and I have written mainly riffs that never made it into a real song. Here and there are a few actual song ideas in progress. So my thinking now is to work on some of the material on that CD or even some older tapes recorded before 2004 and also hope to write some new material. My schedule is lighter now and I don't feel the need to rush things.

I'll balance my guitar practicing along with song writing and am glad I found this forum

[Lee Knight]

 

4) The word "south" in the chorus is a bit jarring. I was expecting something that rhymes with "sets." I realize that may be a bit predictable, and perhaps you were trying to avoid that predictability. However, I don't think the sound of the word "south" works in that situation.

 

 

 

Yeah, I too think you have a cool thing going. A good voice, cool production and instrumentation. Good taste in arrangement. Clever lyric ideas.

 

But there are some issues with the way the lyric mates with the melody, and the rhyme scheme. We had a fun challenge here recently to write a tune with no rhymes. That was fun, and it was hard. Why would it be hard? Cause I soon found out you can't just pick a word that doesn't rhyme, and providing it says what you want, just use it. It didn't work. It had to have a rightness about it. I'm sure there a lots of scholars who understand what makes these things tick. I, on the other hand, quickly found myself out of my depth. Trial and error became the MO for finding the right word that didn't' rhyme but still felt right.

 

When I kiss you I do miss you where's the feeling where's the heart.

There's a question and no anwser I am falling apart.

I did love you when I knew you now I think something is wrong

Does your fear have a hold on what your willing to let go

 

 

You 1st verse above really sets up a nice rhythmic rhyme scheme. Kiss you, miss you has a nice forward pull to its rhythm. And a cool internal rhyme to boot. It pulled me in as a listener. Then you've got your lines 1 and 2 with the heart/apart rhyme. Sounds great. Line 3 has the love you/knew you thing that taps into that cool rhyme of repetition earlier. Nice. Lines 3 and 4 ditch any rhyme and it works too. Wrong/go is soft and totaly works.

 

Do you wonder as you wander aimlessly past my old heart.

Many chances that you have sqandered. life is short love is so long.

Thought I loved you thought I knew you, now I try tolerance.

I am learning but still yearning for soul not broken

 

But the 2nd verse above... you've lost me. I love the internal "you wonder/you wander". That's cool. But now, you end line 1 with your previous rhyme and it is even the same word. "Heart". You're sort of setting a another rhyme for line 2. And it doesn't come. I found it distracting. And I wasn't listening for rhyme. You set it up and then dropped it. I picked up on that deviation without analyzing.

 

I wouldn't use the word heart in the 2nd verse. And I'd rhyme my line 1 and 2 of the 2nd verse just as I set up in my 1st verse. The wander/squander rhyme is cool but it still comes out of nowhere. You've deviating pretty substantially from the scheme you setup up in verse 1.

 

"Why does it matter? I hate rules." Me too. But it isn't adherence to formula that matters. It's pulling them in then dropping them that causes me to say this. I think you need to adhere to what you've set up. Analyze your scheme and duplicate in in the later sections. Or deviate artfully. I don't think you're dropping these intentionally as much as just going with the flow.

 

And in that, there is a sense of jarring the listener a bit.

 

As for the chorus. It sound great but still lacks something in the writing to me.

 

You have got to love you before the winter sets

because when love and hold you the cold winds blowing south

I remember better times

Inside my head, inside my head

 

You have the word "sets" setting up a rhyme for the next line. It doesn't come. That's fine. But "south". That feels like that big hand in the Jackass 3 movie slapping the guy as he enter the room. BAM. It's jarring to me.

 

I happen to like "You have got to love you". It's a bold colloquialism. It's a risk but I like it. It's shorthand for "you gotta love yourself before you can truly love someone else". I say keep it. I say repeat it! And build a more magnetic hook around it. Use repetition of the title and a rhyme scheme that feels comfortable for the listener.

 

 

You have got to love you before the winter sets

You have got to love you before the spring regrets

There's just one thing... you've got to do

You've got to love you

 

I know that cheesy. And you could do it better. But what I'm trying to point out is you have these cool internal rhymes in your verses. Repeat in subsequent verses. Then do some of that repetition and pushing that message in the chorus. Sum it up more. The chorus is your spot!

 

Sorry for longwinded critique but I really like what you're doing here. I just think it could be alot less meandering and a lot more pointed through rhythm and scheme. You've got cool ideas...

[Mahuska]

 

Yeah, I too think you have a cool thing going. A good voice, cool production and instrumentation. Good taste in arrangement. Clever lyric ideas. But there are some issues with the way the lyric mates with the melody, and the rhyme scheme. We had a fun challenge here recently to write a tune with no rhymes. That was fun, and it was hard. Why would it be hard? Cause I soon found out you can't just pick a word that doesn't rhyme, and providing it says what you want, just use it. It didn't work. It had to have a rightness about it. I'm sure there a lots of scholars who understand what makes these things tick. I, on the other hand, quickly found myself out of my depth. Trial and error became the MO for finding the right word that didn't' rhyme but still felt right. When I kiss you I do miss you where's the feeling where's the heart . There's a question and no anwser I am falling a part . I did love you when I knew you now I think something is wrong Does your fear have a hold on what your willing to let go You 1st verse above really sets up a nice rhythmic rhyme scheme. Kiss you, miss you has a nice forward pull to its rhythm. And a cool internal rhyme to boot. It pulled me in as a listener. Then you've got your lines 1 and 2 with the heart/apart rhyme. Sounds great. Line 3 has the love you/knew you thing that taps into that cool rhyme of repetition earlier. Nice. Lines 3 and 4 ditch any rhyme and it works too. Wrong/go is soft and totaly works. Do you wonder as you wander aimlessly past my old heart. Many chances that you have sqandered. life is short love is so long. Thought I loved you thought I knew you, now I try tolerance. I am learning but still yearning for soul not broken But the 2nd verse above... you've lost me. I love the internal "you wonder/you wander". That's cool. But now, you end line 1 with your previous rhyme and it is even the same word. "Heart". You're sort of setting a another rhyme for line 2. And it doesn't come. I found it distracting. And I wasn't listening for rhyme. You set it up and then dropped it. I picked up on that deviation without analyzing. I wouldn't use the word heart in the 2nd verse. And I'd rhyme my line 1 and 2 of the 2nd verse just as I set up in my 1st verse. The wander/squander rhyme is cool but it still comes out of nowhere. You've deviating pretty substantially from the scheme you setup up in verse 1. "Why does it matter? I hate rules." Me too. But it isn't adherence to formula that matters. It's pulling them in then dropping them that causes me to say this. I think you need to adhere to what you've set up. Analyze your scheme and duplicate in in the later sections. Or deviate artfully. I don't think you're dropping these intentionally as much as just going with the flow. And in that, there is a sense of jarring the listener a bit. As for the chorus. It sound great but still lacks something in the writing to me. You have got to love you before the winter sets because when love and hold you the cold winds blowing south I remember better times Inside my head, inside my head You have the word "sets" setting up a rhyme for the next line. It doesn't come. That's fine. But "south". That feels like that big hand in the Jackass 3 movie slapping the guy as he enter the room. BAM. It's jarring to me. I happen to like "You have got to love you". It's a bold colloquialism. It's a risk but I like it. It's shorthand for "you gotta love yourself before you can truly love someone else". I say keep it. I say repeat it! And build a more magnetic hook around it. Use repetition of the title and a rhyme scheme that feels comfortable for the listener. You have got to love you before the winter sets You have got to love you before the spring regrets There's just one thing... you've got to do You've got to love you I know that cheesy. And you could do it better. But what I'm trying to point out is you have these cool internal rhymes in your verses. Repeat in subsequent verses. Then do some of that repetition and pushing that message in the chorus. Sum it up more. The chorus is your spot! Sorry for longwinded critique but I really like what you're doing here. I just think it could be alot less meandering and a lot more pointed through rhythm and scheme. You've got cool ideas...

 

Man I really like your suggestions. On the first verse and intro ""When I kiss you etc. I think I would like to keep the 1'st and second and 4'th(which is the one I really like). I need to ditch the 3'rd to make it work with the 4'th and How about on this part

"Do you wonder as you aimlessly pass my restless mind

Many chances that you've squandered as I try to be so kind

Thought I knew you now that were through I am left with a token

I am learning but still yearning for a soul that's not broken"

might be somewhat cheesy

 

As far as the last suggestion(chorus) which I admit I didn't like what I did there and like what you have in mind. I will take it and go with it with something similar in mind

thanks a lot

[oldgitplayer]

 

First off I wonder If I should say "You have got to love yourself" instead of "You have got to Love you"

 

 

Nah - I like the line as it is. "You've got to Love you" is rock & roll.

"You have got to love yourself" is sort of Oprah.

[Mahuska]

 

Nah - I like the line as it is. "You've got to Love you" is rock & roll. "You have got to love yourself" is sort of Oprah.

 

Won't do Oprah on this song Ha ha

[Mahuska]

Hey Lee I think this might be a decent change

 

"You have got to love you, and love with no regrets

Because when I love and hold you are time I won't forget.

 

What do you think? Also change or not repeat the end "inside my head"

[Lee Knight]

 

Hey Lee I think this might be a decent change "You have got to love you, and love with no regrets Because when I love and hold you are time I won't forget. What do you think? Also change or not repeat the end "inside my head"

 

 

I like that a lot...