The Sycophant's Bane

[Ontological]

A new version of an older song. Anyfeedback would be considered and appreciated.

 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=960990&songID=10891706

 

The Sycophant

Verse 1

I can read your mind from across the room

And I can see your heart skip a beat or two

Like mine

 

That gin and tonic, woman, might lick your wounds

But I can make you smile in an minute or two

Just try me

Verse 2

The sycophantic man on the stage he croons

He

[oldgitplayer]

The descending chord sequence is a strong and over-familiar element to have to work with - I know because my songwriting buddy gave me a backing track the other week using it.

The biggest challenge was to write a vocal melody that freed itself entirely from the sequence. You may need to consider whether it may also apply to your song.

 

The other thing in your song is perhaps not to use the sequence in the chorus - it's too much like the verse. If possible don't use any of the verse chords.

I think that addressing both of these aspects may move the song forward.

[rickidoo]

A couple of thoughts.

 

Although you list 2 verses at the start of the song, really, they are basically 4 because the 2nd part of each verse is very similar to the just a small flourish after the 2nd.

 

The consequence of going 4 verses up front with a very similar melody, is that I got a bit bored after the first two. Maybe I am just programmed that way in my own writing, yet I can't help to think that going to the chorus after the "first verse" (2 verses in actuality) might provide the listener with a welcomed change.

 

The second thing, and this echos oldgitplayer but was independently arrived at, is that the chorus itself runs together with the verses, because there is no change of pace, or emphasis change. My rational ear hears a change, but my emotional ear hears the same.

 

I think this song delivers a sullen and moody feeling to the listener. If that is what you wanted, great.

 

I like the flow of the lyrics, and the story it tells and the message they deliver. That aspect is the strong suite of this song.

 

Rick

[Lee Knight]

I love the mood of the track. I love 90% of the lyric. I love: "That gin and tonic, woman, might lick your wounds". Great line.

 

So... I think it is in place by and large and yet, for me, there is something that isn't working. For me. The basic premise is awesome. Very masculine. I'll win. He'll lose. How the battle is waged sounds like it will be more a contest of wit and soul rather than brawn. I love that. And yet... the attitude in your voice is still too coy and not strong enough. Picture a Leonard Cohen voice, something that drips "man".

 

OK... not to say you're not a man. But the character here, that voice, I've heard you do in other tunes and it's awesome. Almost a sinuous, ssssnakey Bowie character. It's cool. But this doesn't feel like the character who's going to win this contest. He sounds like the sycophant to me. I'd recut with a less snakey style and more of a confidence. Get some resonance in there like in some of your other tunes. He's supposed to have the bigger balls here, even if they are intellectual and soulful, figurative balls.

 

The lyric.

 

The sycophantic man on the stage he croons

 

The sycophantic man? What's sycophantic about him? You're calling him an asskisser. He might be, but... so? It feels out of place to me. That asskissing dude on the stage he croons. Really? What's asskissing about him? So I think you're draping a characteristic over him without any reason. I'm sensing you want to say, That paper thin man on the stage, he thinks he's going to get you, but baby, I am the real deal. Watch me work till your head spins. So sycophant feels out of place. You gonna win cause you don't kiss ass? So what.

 

 

But I will make him cry and make him sing the blues

 

Cry? He's an asskisser and a {censored}? It's a little melodramatic for the circumstance I think. "I'm gonna take what's mine while he sings the blues...?" He's not gonna cry, he's going to lose.

 

 

And I

[LCK]

I don't have as many problems with the lyric as Lee. I just question "sycophantic man." I don't mind it too much. I like the hint at internal rhyme that it's got going for it. I just kind of question the use of that particular word. It feels out of place.

 

The song grabs me pretty well overall. You might need something different in the chorus to keep it fresh. I wouldn't necessarily have to be a new melodic element, it could just be a stinging electric guitar to cut through the cool haze of the rest of the production.

 

Very well done so far. It's still playing in my head as I'm writing this.

 

LCK

[Lee Knight]

I don't have as many problems with the lyric as Lee...

 

I'm only talking 4 words. But those word changes might bring about other changes. I think it's great. Maybe I didn't say it. It's great!

[Marshal]

I wanted some melody in the vocal line. It's pretty much all one note repeated over the chord cycle. Could use some variation. The chorus isn't a chorus, musically. It's just another verse. It would seem to want something different musically; a chorus?; a bridge?; to break up the pattern.

 

Lyrically I thought it was fine. Much to like. The Sycophant man seems like an obscure reference. The average listener isn't going to get that.

 

"I can read your mind" might be a more memorable title. I think I'd play on that a little more in the lyric. Maybe come back to it with a fading repeat at the end of the song; "I can read you mind. I can read your mind. Your mind."

[oldgitplayer]

'The Sycophant in the Room'

 

'The Singing Sycophant'

 

'Babar and the Sycophant'

 

'The Psychopath and the Sycophant'

[Lee Knight]

I guess my question is... what does him being sycophantic mean to the song? I think the use of the word is fine. People will dig and find out what it means. But, how does the guy on stage being a sycophant play into the drama of the protagonist testifying, "you will be mine!" Let's say there was another word that meant the same thing but attracted less attention, my concern would still be there. He's an asskisser?

 

I most likely am missing something here. Because it doesn't bother anyone else, so... what is it I'm missing?

[oldgitplayer]

 

I most likely am missing something here. Because it doesn't bother anyone else, so... what is it I'm missing?

 

 

You're not alone - if there is something to miss, then I'm missing it too.

I was waiting for Onto to provide a logical explanation.

[Ontological]

 

I guess my question is... what does him being sycophantic mean to the song? I think the use of the word is fine. People will dig and find out what it means. But, how does the guy on stage being a sycophant play into the drama of the protagonist testifying, "you will be mine!" Let's say there was another word that meant the same thing but attracted less attention, my concern would still be there. He's an asskisser? I most likely am missing something here. Because it doesn't bother anyone else, so... what is it I'm missing?

 

 

One of the synonyms given by Webster for Sycophant is fawner which is defined below as;

 

1: to show affection

[Lee Knight]

There he is! We've been scurrying around like confused cats. So... to be clear, there are two men here, right? The guy on stage (the sycophant) ...

 

...and you (telling her to watch you work it). Right?

 

So who's the sycophant again?

 

OK, I am starting to get it. I agree, I am thick. So, the sycophant's bane is you! Yeah?

[Ontological]

I love the mood of the track. I love 90% of the lyric. I love: "That gin and tonic, woman, might lick your wounds". Great line.   So... I think it is in place by and large and yet, for me, there is something that isn't working. For me. The basic premise is awesome. Very masculine. I'll win. He'll lose. How the battle is waged sounds like it will be more a contest of wit and soul rather than brawn. I love that. And yet... the attitude in your voice is still too coy and not strong enough. Picture a Leonard Cohen voice, something that drips "man".   OK... not to say you're not a man. But the character here, that voice, I've heard you do in other tunes and it's awesome. Almost a sinuous, ssssnakey Bowie character. It's cool. But this doesn't feel like the character who's going to win this contest. He sounds like the sycophant to me. I'd recut with a less snakey style and more of a confidence. Get some resonance in there like in some of your other tunes. He's supposed to have the bigger balls here, even if they are intellectual and soulful, figurative balls.   The lyric.   The sycophantic man on the stage he croons   The sycophantic man? What's sycophantic about him? You're calling him an asskisser. He might be, but... so? It feels out of place to me. That asskissing dude on the stage he croons. Really? What's asskissing about him? So I think you're draping a characteristic over him without any reason. I'm sensing you want to say, That paper thin man on the stage, he thinks he's going to get you, but baby, I am the real deal. Watch me work till your head spins. So sycophant feels out of place. You gonna win cause you don't kiss ass? So what.     But I will make him cry and make him sing the blues   Cry? He's an asskisser and a {censored}? It's a little melodramatic for the circumstance I think. "I'm gonna take what's mine while he sings the blues...?" He's not gonna cry, he's going to lose.     And I

[Ontological]

G'es, senior. There's actually three guys. The Lounge singer, the waiter, and me.

[Lee Knight]

In regard to the mood of the vocals I kind of like the irony of the soft spoken man winning the girl as opposed to the proud, arrogant, king of the world types laying claim to all that they see. The mild mannered nature of the protagonist offsets the arrogance and transforms it into quiet confidence which is easier to sympathize with I guess. I don't know man I'm just makin' this crap up!

 

No, I dig what you're saying and I heard that. It does work on that level. I'm just pointing out how if you go too far with that character, to me, it feels... unlikely? Maybe? I don't know either. I do know you have a keen ability to evoke mood. And you have do it here again.

 

Nice.

 

Now who's the waiter? Where's he show up? Edit: never mind, I see him.

[Oswlek]

 

The consequence of going 4 verses up front with a very similar melody, is that I got a bit bored after the first two. Maybe I am just programmed that way in my own writing, yet I can't help to think that going to the chorus after the "first verse" (2 verses in actuality) might provide the listener with a welcomed change. The second thing, and this echos oldgitplayer but was independently arrived at, is that the chorus itself runs together with the verses, because there is no change of pace, or emphasis change. My rational ear hears a change, but my emotional ear hears the same.

 

 

I was going to type precisely this and saw it was already written, so I'm borrowing it.

 

I love the opening mood and was absorbed right away. But by "but I will make him cry" I was already wanting something new and the chorus as is doesn't give me enough. Frankly, you set the mood so well and so thoroughly, that you could easily make a major change after the first verse and it wouldn't have felt too early.