Moderators Lee Knight Posted December 13, 2011 Moderators Share Posted December 13, 2011 Verse 1 seems to work. Of course, now I've got to get a 2nd verse on par with something that just sort of clicked. Here's draft 1. Any and all input is appreciated. The Day I Lost Myself V1It Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted December 13, 2011 Members Share Posted December 13, 2011 S'what pulls you down from behindStill, I was headed downDown to my knees Not saying to change it... but this seems pretty sexual... and not in a good way. Intentional? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted December 13, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted December 13, 2011 not intentional. I was aware of it but didn't think it would register. I'm glad you're pointing it out. I'll switch some of the earlier rhymes so I can change those words. Thanks. Good input. I'm trying to say, when you stop looking you find. And trying to score is no way to find the one. Ironically, when I did hit the bottom for other reasons, I lost myself and found you. Or something like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted December 13, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted December 13, 2011 It's not like I was lookin'Or tryin' to connectMuch less than that on my mindThis 'by hook or by crookin'Makes a heart suspectS'what pulls you down in kindStill, I was headed for mudSlippin' with easeCan't get much lower than thatIt's not a question ofSubtle degreesBut more, "How low is the mat?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted December 13, 2011 Members Share Posted December 13, 2011 I think you're 1st draft has sense to it - and is therefore preferable. It has mood.The 2nd draft introduces the random element of slipping in the mud. Doesn't all tie together like Draft 1.I don't find it sexual in a bad way - the language is oblique enough to work and not offend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted December 13, 2011 Members Share Posted December 13, 2011 V1It Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted December 14, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted December 14, 2011 good stuff guys, thanks. Alright, draft 3. It's not like I was lookin'Or tryin' to hook upMuch less than that on my mindThis 'by hook or by crookin'And all you cook upCan pull you down in kindStill, I was lookin' to drownSlippin' with easeCan't get much lower than thatIt's not a question ofSubtle degreesBut more, "How low is the mat?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted December 14, 2011 Members Share Posted December 14, 2011 Lee... it's probably my very limited lyrical writing skills speaking here, but is there an overall message/story arc you are aiming for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted December 14, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted December 14, 2011 Lee... it's probably my very limited lyrical writing skills speaking here, but is there an overall message/story arc you are aiming for? Great question. Honestly, I'm trying to keep away from a story... and more about vibe and sound. As I mentioned in the initial thread earlier, this will be a garage fuzzy guitar sort of atmosphere. So really, I want it to be a little bit of nonsense. Though there is logic the lyric, all that really matters to me (I think) is that we get the idea that once he hit bottom he found her. And I not sure this thing I'm hearing in my head would be made more effective if things were spelled out clearer. I don't know that for a fact, but that's the experiment, I guess. Having said all that ^, does anyone feel that it should be made more clear? That I should drop some linguistic ear candy for more of a story? Personally, I don't really know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted December 14, 2011 Members Share Posted December 14, 2011 does anyone feel that it should be made more clear? That I should drop some linguistic ear candy for more of a story? Personally, I don't really know. I think it depends on the music. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted December 14, 2011 Author Moderators Share Posted December 14, 2011 I sort of like: It Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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