Run Fast Very Slow

[rickidoo]

OLD VERSION INFO NO NEED TO POST

 

 

 

OK, third times the charm. I ditched a song yesterday because it did not work, particularly lyrics but also other issues. The ditched song was called "Enjoy the Ride".

 

And (drum roll) from "never give up, never surrender rick" , may I present:

 

Run Fast Very Slow

 

THANK YOU for those that gave crits and suggestions before. Any and all are welcome on this version.

 

 

V1:

There

[Lee Knight]

Yeah, nice. A couple of things. You've got some phrasing issues on

 

things that clog your own mind

 

I'd drop the word "own". It's part of the phrasing issue I was talkng about and doesn't really add any info. I'd drop "so" as well, but that's just me. There's also an issue things-that. But the real issue for me, is really a great opportunity. Why don't you have your title in your hook? That's a great title. So...

 

Let

[rickidoo]

WOW lee. WOW WOW WOW WOW Thank You... that makes a lot of sense.

 

Rick

[Monkey Uncle]

Nice work. I didn't think your last set of lyrics was too terrible, but I agree these are better. I'm intrigued by how you can use the same music behind a totally different story line. I'm not sure I could make that work out, but this holds up nicely either way.

 

Language police alert: in verse 3, use "pier" instead of "peer."

[LCK]

I like the first lyric better for this tune.

 

This lyric is terrific, but I think it needs a different tune.

 

LCK

[oldgitplayer]

I agree - the lyric isn't sitting comfortably with the tune.

 

Also V3 : Immediate mental connection with 'Sitting on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll in'.

It bothers me, but some people don't seem to mind these connections, and term them, 'paying homage'.

[rhino55]

 

WOW lee. WOW WOW WOW WOW Thank You... that makes a lot of sense. Rick

 

 

I'm not getting it.

 

From what I've seen your lyrics are getting stronger with each song you post.

 

Other than the chorus, that admittedly I'm just not getting, the only thing I think that needs attention is "pretty." It is a nondescript word and doesn't really hook me from the beginning.

 

I'd try and think of an adjective that could also work with storm.

[Lee Knight]

 

From what I've seen your lyrics are getting stronger with each song you post.

 

 

Absolutely!

[oldgitplayer]

Sorry - I posted my previous comment in haste without any explanation of why I don't think the lyric and tune work together.

The tune had its origins in a children's 'tick-tock' song, and that feel is still there - it still feels more of a child's melody.

 

The new lyric can be made to fly, but I think it needs some laid-back music to support the content.

And building on Lee's lyric suggestion, if you sing the line, 'Going fast, very slow', then you might follow it immediately with a languid delivery of, 'Goin' fast, but so veeery slooow'. or something like that.

[rickidoo]

 

I'm not getting it. From what I've seen your lyrics are getting stronger with each song you post. Other than the chorus, that admittedly I'm just not getting, the only thing I think that needs attention is "pretty." It is a nondescript word and doesn't really hook me from the beginning.

 

 

Rhino55... thanks for the feedback. I am-a-trying on those lyrics. It's hard for this former engineer to write, but I am glad my efforts are going in the right direction.

 

I totally understand why you are not "getting" the chorus. I made a change at the last minute (adding the hook as Lee suggested), but when I did that I did not fully consider how the rest of the chorus should change to adjust to it. I am doing so now, I know it needs to be improved. Your comment initiated my rethinking. Thank you.

 

 

Your comment about "pretty" - I can't wrap my head around the issue with it. I guess I used the pretty girl thing because I thought it would get, at least us males, attention straight up. I wanted to use "beautiful woman" or something like that but I could not make it work phrasing and syllible wise. My mental story of this song starts with flying to an island while being seated next to a pretty girl as a sort of metaphor for being lucky in a new life. (So much better than sitting next to someone with bad breath!). But I will give it some thought.

 

"Talking Up a Storm" is or at least was a cliche phrase that I have heard over the years. One can Google it. It means (to me) "babbling on". So question: is it an issue of the phrase not being known to you, or, is it distracting because of its english construction?

[rickidoo]

 

Sorry - I posted my previous comment in haste without any explanation of why I don't think the lyric and tune work together. The tune had its origins in a children's 'tick-tock' song, and that feel is still there - it still feels more of a child's melody. The new lyric can be made to fly, but I think it needs some laid-back music to support the content. And building on Lee's lyric suggestion, if you sing the line, 'Going fast, very slow', then you might follow it immediately with a languid delivery of, 'Goin' fast, but so veeery slooow'. or something like that.

 

 

(Quote from OldGit but echoed by one or two others):

I found this an interesting exercise.. starting with a wordless melody from a piano, thinking about making it a lullabye, then making it "a day in the life" about young parents and their baby, then finally to this. If nothing else, it's helped me realize better how rich music is.

 

I actually thought this was pretty laid back musically. I usually end up making a lot of changes to a new song as it sinks in to me and feedback arrives. There were a dozen revisions yesterday, and several since I read the feedback this morning. And more to come, including shifting the position of one verse, rerecording the vocals to minimize stacotto, changing some lyrics work on the Chorus, in words and delivery.

 

I also post in MUSE. This and MUSE are the places I visit each day. The feedback from that post has been generally positive. I am not saying they are right and this is wrong, it just adds more to the overall picture. Here's a few quotes:

===================

Rick

Wow this is very original. I can't even think of any artist that is similar. Seems experimental with a 1920-30s feel to it. I thought the guitar effect at 1.25 hit a little hard on my left ear (wearing headphones). It gave an unsettling feel to an otherwise tranquil tune...I imagine that was the effect you were going for? Soft beautiful with some disconcerting sounds floating through the song? Cool.

I enjoyed this one. Very creative and original.

======================

 

This has a Beach Boys Kokomo feel to it.

 

======================

 

Nice recycling of the music. I agree with the Beach Boys comment. I like this one.

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One of the "cutest" songs I've heard, and very original. It sortta does have a Beach Boys-ish sound...glad I listened! Aside from a lil tweaking in the chorus, can't really suggest anything I'd like to hear different(well, maybe bring the volume on your voice up a bit, was hard for me to hear).

========================

Hey there Rick.....the first thing that hit me was that you needed her to keep up the chatter in the back ground, when it first starts off. I hear you bring her back, here and there. Good stuff!.......There's a kind of odd, kooky-ness that I like, here.

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... and so I am getting out of all of this that this song is a bit "different". Maybe not different "good" in all cases but at least different.

 

But their comments aside, if you think there is an issue with fit then there is. I absolutely respect your musical judgement.. I am hoping after I make the revisions that are now in the pipeline it will sound like a better fit.

 

Rick

 

 

 

 

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[rhino55]

Pretty tells us what you think about the girl but it doesn't really show us anything. As a songwriter, it is your job to make the listener see your story. What makes her pretty to you? Is it her hair, makeup, carefree attitude? Is she wearing a bathing suit? The rest of your lyric does a good job of showing and deserves a really strong opening line.

 

 

She's not wearing much

Sitting next to me

Talking up a storm

Like her company

 

She claims the island /Living on an island

makes her carefree

talking up a storm

like her company

 

 

I get the phrase "talking up a storm." And yes, it is a cliche. The reason I said you could reference it in the opening line is because I thought it would strengthen the whole first stanza. Playing with cliches can be a useful tool.

 

 

 

 

 

Living on an island

makes her carefree

a perfect storm

sitting next to me

[rickidoo]

Thanks for the explanation Rhino, that does clarify things for me. I'll need to let that roll around in my head and see what to do, lots of space in there... :-)