Members rickidoo Posted January 18, 2012 Members Share Posted January 18, 2012 UPDATE 1/18/2012: THREAD CLOSED. NEW VERSION COMING SOON Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 18, 2012 Members Share Posted January 18, 2012 Cool its very different for you.... kinda glam feel to it I dont think you have "quite" nailed the vocal delivery.... just make sure you're hitting the right words.... but i know its a quick demo You HAD a rubber band man and you wore him out today 13 (i think had is better?)You thought he was this super lover but found out the hard way 15You're looking for a man WHO CAN SHOW YOU HOW TO PLAY 13 (alt idea?)Here I am babe you hit the jackpot today 11 (i like this last line but you have used TODAY twice..... may be fine) Not sure about this line That I'm your rocking hard man and you're a rocking pro Makes her sound like a whore? maybe she is? Good start Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted January 18, 2012 Author Members Share Posted January 18, 2012 Stick. Brilliant, love the play line - I knew the 3rd line wasn't saying what I wanted it to, I just could not think of what to say. Perfect! Thanks! Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 18, 2012 Members Share Posted January 18, 2012 Stickboy has given you some great input. The groove and feel of the instrumentation are really good. However, some parts of the melodic structure don't sound very rock-like, particularly the line that should sound the rockingest: "I'm a rock solid old-fashioned rock-and-roll man." It actually has kind of vaudevillian sound to it. Not just the voice, the melody line itself sounds 1920s rather than 1970s. I would also take a look at the lyric. Lines like "The clock is getting late..." "The clothes you're hardly wearing won't hide dangerous curves..." etc. The impulse behind them is good, but they're not executed very well. Clocks don't get late. And while "the clothes you're hardly wearing" is a good opener, "won't hide dangerous curves" doesn't make sense. Does she want to hide her curves? Apparently not, but that's what that line oddly seems to suggest. ("Dangerous curves" is okay, though it's probably been used to death.) So while you've done a pretty good job of writing this particular lyric from a different angle, I would look at each line again to see where they might not exactly make sense. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 18, 2012 Members Share Posted January 18, 2012 Gotta agree with some of the points raised by LCK That last line of the chorus (the pay off) i feel needs to end on a more final down note for the last word.... you kinda go up with it at the mo (easily fixed) How about Now don't you worry baby I'm a man of my word 12You're looking so damn hot you'd probably melt an iceberg 15Those cloths you're hardly wearing STILL hide THOSE dangerous curves 14I wanna shake those bones and rattle those nerves! (i know its an existing line but its a call to rock n roll so may just work?) 12 I think this line can be fixed with one word The NIGHT is getting late and it's time for me to go 13I've got to play this here guitar cause I'm the star of the show 15But you've been really something and I want you to knowThat I'm your rocking hard man and you're a rocking pro Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted January 18, 2012 Members Share Posted January 18, 2012 How about this The NIGHT is getting late and it's time for me to go 13I've got to play this here guitar cause I'm the star of the show 15But you've been really something and I want you to knowThat I'm your MR PRESIDENT AND YOURE MY MONROE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted January 18, 2012 Author Members Share Posted January 18, 2012 Great feedback LCK - thanks! Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 18, 2012 Moderators Share Posted January 18, 2012 Wow, Marc Bolan? Is that you? This is cool, I hope you had your platforms on and were wearing your feather boa! I love the melody and the instrumentation. LCK's point about the melody on the hook phrase, "Cause I'm a rock solid old fashion rock and roll man" is good. Interestingly, some of that glam stuff has a sort of vaudevillian vibe to it. So it sort of feels right to me, but it sort of doesn't. If you had reservations about the melody of that hook phrase, and I'm not really sure you should, but if you do, you could... Sing it exactly the same but then have your last four notes, "rock-and-roll-man" be on the tonic. If you're in E, have the note be E. And... you could stop the music on the word "rock" so the phrase is just a ringing crash cymbal, and rockin' E chord, and you singing all on the tonic rocknrollman! Or not. Either way, Ian Hunter watch out. :thu: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 18, 2012 Members Share Posted January 18, 2012 How about thisThe NIGHT is getting late and it's time for me to go 13I've got to play this here guitar cause I'm the star of the show 15But you've been really something and I want you to knowThat I'm your MR PRESIDENT AND YOURE MY MONROE Wow. You're my current lyrical hero. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted January 18, 2012 Author Members Share Posted January 18, 2012 The song lyrics have been redone, in no small part due to Stick and LCK, but also due to a fantastic hard rocker named RobAsh. Stick in particular had an idea to weave in a nod to history concerning the America President JFK and Marilyn Monroe. I loved it. It's reworded a bit but the genius was Stick. This is a retro song anyhow so that works very well. There were other suggested ideas that one way or another made their way into the new lyrics as well. The title of the song changed as well. I have not recorded a new demo, but I did change the melody downward at the end of the chorus, I think it sounds stronger and also is better for my voice. Also wanted to mention, that I am writing this song in a highly suggestive manner just because... I hope it does not offend anyone, it was not my intention. So without further ado.. here are the revised lyrics for the newly retitled song: Hard-driving, Straight-shooting , Rock 'n Roll Man You're looking for a lover who can turn on your lights 13You say you like it rough and baby that is your right 13Well girl I got the skills to take you up to new heights 13Strap yourself in I'm gonna rock you all night 11 ====================================================CHORUS:I'm gonna tease youPull you tight and near I'm gonna please you'Gonna do you right I'm gonna take youto where you want to go Cause I'm hard-driving, straight-shooting , rock and roll man========================================= Now don't you worry baby I'm a man of my word 13You're looking so damn hot you'd no doubt melt an iceberg 13Those cloths you're hardly wearing still hide dangerous curves 13Let's get down to business babe I'm here to serve 13 (CHORUS)(Interlude) The night is getting late and it's time for me to go 13I've got to play this guitar I'm the star of the show 13If you're asking for my name I just want you to know 13Just call me Mr President I''ll call you Monroe 13 CHORUS with 1 follow on "Cause HE'S a hard-driving, straight-shooting , rock and roll man".... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 19, 2012 Members Share Posted January 19, 2012 This is a big change in flavour from Rickidoo - good piece of diversity. Up to now, we've heard nice music and nice lyrics from the nice Rick we know. The only thing that I suggest is that the nice Rick turn on some 'attitude' when he records the new lyrics. Try and get the vocal tone to align itself with the lyric and the music. Maybe get pissed off about something - watch some politicians on TV, or whatever it takes to get you in the mood that will deliver some attitude. Come on - we know you have some inner bastard waiting to get out and scare us....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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