Members Johnny Engine Posted February 10, 2012 Members Share Posted February 10, 2012 Hello there, relatively new here. Just wrote a song that I'm completely tickled pink about. I wanted to throw it up here for comments, questions, advice, whatever, because it deals with some rather specific subject matter and would like to get an impression from people who have no prior knowledge of me, and may not have any idea what I might be getting at. I may get some audio of this later on.I guess the only necessary exposition here would be that I'm from St. John's, Newfoundland, Canada. That doesn't give away anything, and would be obvious to anyone who saw me perform, but it may frame a few things. V1we came out to skate arounddown at the stadiumthe smell of vinegar and the paint, still drying outand over our little headsbanners and painted signs, oh they shout to wish you well C1it's getting better for youchasing a dragon to far off landslike Ontario or the statesbut this time we'll be only wanting moreyeah I've been disappointedfor sometimes it's disappointingfor sometimes they leave you wanting more V2we came out to waste our timedown at the college barthe weight of the winter months, they're gone, it's lifted upin front of the TV screenbelieve in what you can see, breakin' out yeah, give them hell! C2it's getting better for youkilling the dragon from far off landslike Alberta or in the southbut this time we'll be only wanting moreyeah I've been disappointedfor sometimes it's disappointingfor sometimes they leave you wanting more Band time again you come back up nowand time again we go back down now (go back down now) V3we drank our faces offdown at Distortionthe electricity in the air was building upand when the buzzer wentthat's when the party plans came out, who's going down? C3it's getting better for youbut I see the dragon in every placelike in Michigan or right herebut this time we'll be only wanting moreyeah I've been disappointedfor sometimes it's disappointingfor sometimes they leave you wanting more ...Infinite love to anyone who by some miracle knows what this could be about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted February 10, 2012 Members Share Posted February 10, 2012 O.K., I'll give it a shot. Protagonist is a minor league (or college? or high school?) hockey player who is never going to make it to the big league. His buddy makes it to the big league. Protagonist and other guys stuck back home watch big shot buddy on TV while they're getting plastered at the local sports bar. Life gets better and better for big shot buddy while protagonist wastes away in the minor league. Am I close? I really like the lyrics. Not a rhyme in sight, but they still have great rhythm and flow. Good imagery, too. I'd like to hear some audio. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted February 10, 2012 Members Share Posted February 10, 2012 Do you have music for this song? Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Johnny Engine Posted February 10, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 10, 2012 Everyone: The music, melody et al exists, but like hell you're hearing the sleep-addled Mac photobooth version of the song. I may record an acoustic demo today. Monkey Uncle: Thanks a lot. You're at least on about the part about watching a guy (not exactly a friend, about 7 years older than me) come up to the NHL, and the fact that I'm never going to make it in pro hockey, haha. But it is from a fan's perspective, and the "dragon" serves a double meaning of both an objective, but also addiction (alcoholism in this case). If anyone thinks that should be made clearer, I'd be interested in hearing how. Also, to fine-tooth comb this, I'm wondering about a couple of lines For the last "place names" line:"Like in Michigan or right here now" - is pretty succinct, but leaves me feeling like it could say more"Like in Michigan or out east" - follows the tradition of "province/state name -> vague direction" of other similar lines, but ignores the fact that Newfoundland is the here and now of the verse"Like in Michigan or St. John's" - more specific, but ignores the site of the second party alluded to, and the actual hometown of the characters"Like in Detroit or Harbour Grace" - completely changes the phrasing of the part (maybe ok on the last chorus), creates a rhyme, makes the subject of the song blaringly obvious to anyone with a passing familiarity of it. Some might think this is a good think, I might feel uncomfortably naked singing it. Secondly, I'm second guessing the title line.I'd really like it to be built around "...when the buzzer...", but the word "went" is bugging me, because it's one of those stupid non-specific words that mean "did something." Problem is, most words I can think of to replace it are the the wrong number of syllables. Perhaps a demo would enlighten people as to how the phrasing should work, and that might help. Thanks so far! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 10, 2012 Moderators Share Posted February 10, 2012 I like a lot of the language. It has a cool voice to it. It would help me to see how you've got it mapped out structure-wise by maybe putting a V1 for verse 1 and C1 chorus 1 and B for bridge. That way I can see how your structure is flowing. How your rhyme scheme is holding up. That kind of stuff. As it stands, it's a little too much for me to digest as flowing paragraphs. and by the way, this seems like the kind of thing that would work even not knowing what it is you're really addressing specifically. It has an interesting story line even not really knowing the storyline. If you know what I mean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 10, 2012 Members Share Posted February 10, 2012 Definitely a solid story, works in print nicely. The only issues I can see are potential overworded phrases, but I'll need to hear it to make that determination. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Johnny Engine Posted February 10, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 10, 2012 Lee: The first post is edited for your convenience. As for the second comment, that was exactly what I hoped to find out by posting it here. I tend to view songs as kind of multipurpose, where to me the story is specific and clear, and for an audience in St. John's, I'd hope to get a big reaction to "We drank our faces off/down at Distortion," and for everyone else, I hope they'd react the same way you did there. Oswlek: I'm a bit rhythm obsessive, so I don't think I'm really trying to jam things in here. The verses and part of the chorus are structured so that the vocals are rapid-fire triplets over a very simple chunk-chunk guitar, while other parts of the chorus smooth out and invite lots of harmonies. That's not to say that there isn't a line or several that aren't sitting as well as they could, but we'll find that out when I get a demo up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 10, 2012 Moderators Share Posted February 10, 2012 The chorus feels a bit wordy. Ever consider a shorter more succinct approach? killing the dragon from far off landsbut this time we'll be only wanting moreyeah I've been disappointedfor sometimes it's disappointingfor sometimes they leave you wanting more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Johnny Engine Posted February 10, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 10, 2012 Well, it can't be that way in particular, since the dragon line would be awkward to start with, but I will consider clipping something.It should be noted that the chorus has a bit of a two-part feel, musically, with the real action starting with "this time we'll..."I'd also hate to clip out the place names, if only because the phrase "chasing a dragon to far off lands...like Ontario" makes me laugh....not to be an impossible snooty artiste or anything. Think is, really need to get that demo up so it makes a little more sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted February 10, 2012 Members Share Posted February 10, 2012 I had no idea what the story was but was still engaged by the lyric. FWIW, 'Chasing the dragon' automatically made me think opium. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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