Distant Lullaby - WIP

[Oswlek]

Why didn't you like 'think of'?

 

Did I say I didn't? It's the top choice at the moment, it just took Stick to catch it for me.

[LCK]

 

if I keep the rhyme scheme as is, that second line needs to end in a strong "I" sound. Do you have any strong opinion on the necessity of keeping the rhyme in there?

 

 

Actually, no. I tend not to see (or hear, I guess) open vowel sounds and the same vowel sound with a consonant ending as being "rhymes." In other words, lullaby doesn't really rhyme with night. If it were two similar sounding consonants I would consider that a near rhyme.

 

So I don't think you have to stick with your rhyme scheme because IMO it's tenuous at best anyway.

 

I hope that hasn't put a "Spaniard in the works" for you!*

 

LCK

[Oswlek]

 

Actually, no. I tend not to see (or hear, I guess) open vowel sounds and the same vowel sound with a consonant ending as being "rhymes." In other words, lullaby doesn't really rhyme with night. If it were two similar sounding consonants I would consider that a near rhyme. So I don't think you have to stick with your rhyme scheme because IMO it's tenuous at best anyway. I hope that hasn't put a "Spaniard in the works" for you!* LCK

 

 

Gotcha. Should I assume by your lack of a direct response that you are lukewarm towards "You use to tame the night"? That sings very well and makes night more of an active participant rather than simply being an obvious bystander.

[oldgitplayer]

I've just heard this song for the first time - I love it - I think it's terrific - it has mood and poignance and loss and yearning all captured in a few lines.

 

I can see some opportunities lyrically here and there, so I'll apply myself and see if there's anything that comes out of it.

Will post again later with the results (if any)

[Oswlek]

OK, how about this alternative in the first chorus

 

 

Distant lullaby (oh) Awake I try To re... member how you went

 

 

"Remember" is definitely closer to what I am going for than "think of". I still need to add a pause between re-member, but it sounds a hell of a lot more natural this way.

 

So no one needs to look it up, here was the original

 

 

Distant lullaby In the silence I Try to... think of how you went

 

 

Preference?

[Oswlek]

 

I've just heard this song for the first time - I love it - I think it's terrific - it has mood and poignance and loss and yearning all captured in a few lines. I can see some opportunities lyrically here and there, so I'll apply myself and see if there's anything that comes out of it. Will post again later with the results (if any)

 

 

Thanks, OGP. I certainly look forward to any advice.

[Oswlek]

Another alternative

 

 

Distant lullaby In the silence I Try to... find you once again

 

 

I think I'm leaning towards this one...

 

Edit, errrr....maybe not. "Think of how you went" is much more directly stating what I want to say. That is still the front running

[Lee Knight]

Man... that is pretty. Very Nilsson. Very Justin. Very pretty.

[LCK]

 

Gotcha. Should I assume by your lack of a direct response that you are lukewarm towards "You used to tame the night"? That sings very well and makes night more of an active participant rather than simply being an obvious bystander.

 

 

It's not bad, but I think the original line is still better. I'd just like to see/hear something that has a bit more of a connection to the nub of things, and which is a bit more interesting/surprising.

 

Like I said, I think the second line of the song is the gyre on which the song rotates.

 

Another way to tackle the problem is instead of saying "you used to tame the night" you could try turning it around, and put the problem in the first person, instead of the second, just to see where that takes you.

 

Distant lullaby

I used to let your tune

coax me soft to sleep

somewhere warm and deep and safe...

 

The sound of that line -- I used to let your tune -- has a cool resonance with "distant lullaby" (distant and used to sound good together), which may override any concerns you have over not rhyming (or half-rhyming) those first two lines.*

 

These are a few of the tricks I've learned to apply over the years. When I get stuck, or even if I just wonder if a perfectly line I've written could be improved at all, I'll go through a number of permutations in my mind till I find one that sort of comes at the problem in a sideways fashion. I usually find some cool kind of assonance or something that takes the lyric to a new level.

 

You've kind of done that sideways thing with "coax me soft to sleep," where you're using "soft to sleep" as a replacement for "off to sleep," which is cool because that one word does double duty.

 

That's the kind of what I'm talking about.

 

Sometimes we write for what we think makes sense rather than what feels right. Sometimes when we let things roll certain words with certain sounds start to make themselves known to us.

 

I hope this helps!

 

LCK

 

*I like this line because "tune" has a warmer feel/sound to it than "night." Plus I think saying "I used to let your tune coax me soft to sleep" makes us feel somehow that you're on very intimate terms with this lullaby, that there's a longstanding relationship, a give-and-take between you.

[Marshal]

Well. It's bee-aye-ute-ee-full. Here's my impression.

 

The part at 0:40 where you start scatting seems to be the unfinished part. That section delves deeper into pathos, musically. I would suggest some story-line be introduced about a present day conflict that has gone bad; love lost; regrets; mistakes made; pain felt, be put there. That would give a present day reason for the protagonist to longingly (and melancholilly) to look back to a simpler time when a lullaby would be enough to make him feel right with the world.

[Oswlek]

 

Well. It's bee-aye-ute-ee-full. Here's my impression. The part at 0:40 where you start scatting seems to be the unfinished part. That section delves deeper into pathos, musically. I would suggest some story-line be introduced about a present day conflict that has gone bad; love lost; regrets; mistakes made; pain felt, be put there. That would give a present day reason for the protagonist to longingly (and melancholilly) to look back to a simpler time when a lullaby would be enough to make him feel right with the world.

 

 

Where would you like to see tha, Marshall? Replace "that was long ago, a song I used to know"? Perhaps i that chorus type area?

 

There is so little lyric room that I'm almost forced to remain vague, like the Floyd lyrics that inspired it.