Distant Lullaby - phase 2

[Oswlek]

I threw together a better demo with up-to-date lyrics. My diction was terrible on "how" and I clipped mildly in the second chorus, but I loved rest of the take and am short on time at-the-moment. It will be redone later as the song develops.

 

updated mix with strings - http://picosong.com/wRnG

 

 

http://picosong.com/wF5d

 

 

Distant lullaby I used to let your tune Coax me soft to sleep Somewhere warm and deep and safe But that was long ago A song I used to know Distant lullaby In the silence I Try to... think of how you went If you'd sing for me Your sweetest melody Distant lullaby I will hold you tight And I... won't forget again

 

 

Subbing LCK's 2nd line in, I think it would be better to find a "ooo" rhyme for to replace "safe" with. That would tie things together better, IMO.

[oldgitplayer]

Your newly revised version for reference:

 

Distant lullaby

I used to let your tune (this implies that you are in control rather than being under the lullaby's spell)

Coax me soft to sleep

Somewhere warm and deep and safe

 

But that was long ago

A song I used to know

Distant lullaby

In the silence I

Try to... think of how you went (this is IMO is the song's clunkiest line - we ask of a tune - 'How did it go?' but 'think of how you went' is a language-mangler.

 

If you'd sing for me (this introduces a person singing the lullaby instead of the lullaby being the entity)

Your sweetest melody

Distant lullaby

I will hold you tight

And I... won't forget again

 

 

Here are some possibilities to consider or use as triggers for new ideas :

 

Distant lullaby

(Companion of the night)(Companion of my nights)

Coax me soft to sleep (Lull / Ease me to my sleep)

Somewhere safe, warm and deep (possible word-order change for rhyme)

 

But that was long ago

A song I used to know

Distant lullaby

In the silence, I

Try to... think of how you went (my mem'ry searches for you) (I hope to hear you once again)(I long to hear your sound)(I search for your sounds)

 

If you'd play once more

I swear this time for sure (I know this time for sure)

Distant lullaby

I will hold tight

And I... won't forget again

 

If you'd play for me

Your purest melody (That forgotten melody)(That long-lost melody)

Distant lullaby

I will hold you tight

And I... won't forget again

 

There might be something here you could use.

[Oswlek]

Thanks OGP.

 

 

this implies that you are in control rather than being under the lullaby's spell

 

 

Thank you for putting your finger on why this line doesn't work. I also do believe that the quasi-rhyme is important to the flow, which means two things.

 

1) That line must begin with or insinuate "You used to".

2) The last word needs to end with a strong "I" sound.

 

Seems like I am back to start with "you used to come at night". Yes, it really says nothing, but it is the best one so far, and it also insinuates youi don't appear any longer. There also is some nice parallel vowel sounds between "lullaby" and "come at night". I'm open to suggestions, but they must meet the criteria above.

 

 

possible word-order change for rhyme

 

 

I'm not concerned with the final work rhyming on this line. "Deep" is the most stressed word in the phrase, so I think it works.

 

 

(this is IMO is the song's clunkiest line - we ask of a tune - 'How did it go?' but 'think of how you went' is a language-mangler.

 

 

Yeah, it is impossible to squeeze in the most direct line without sounding even worse. How about

 

In the silence I

Try to... find you once again

 

 

That forgotten melody)(That long-lost melody

 

 

Yes! Another insight! Your comment finally made me understand why, as much as I love Stick's line, it isn't quite what I want to say. "Sweetest melody" implies that there are many to choose from, and not just the one magical song. One. Probably going to use "Your long-lost melody" unless I can find a better two-syllable version of "forgotten".

 

 

this introduces a person singing the lullaby instead of the lullaby being the entity

 

 

I'm not sure about this one. "Play" is equally requiring a controlling entity, and I think the song is pretty clear what the protaganist is pining. I like "sing" because it feels more intimate.

[LCK]

 

I threw together a better demo with up-to-date lyrics. My diction was terrible on "how" and I clipped mildly in the second chorus, but I loved rest of the take and am short on time at-the-moment. It will be redone later as the song develops. http://picosong.com/wF5d Distant lullaby I used to let your tune Coax me soft to sleep Somewhere warm and deep and safe But that was long ago A song I used to know Distant lullaby In the silence I Try to... think of how you went If you'd sing for me Your sweetest melody Distant lullaby I will hold you tight And I... won't forget again Subbing LCK's 2nd line in, I think it would be better to find a "ooo" rhyme for to replace "safe" with. That would tie things together better, IMO.

 

 

I think the lyric is perfect as is.

 

Very nice tune. Just really terrific.

 

Can't wait to hear a more finished version.

 

LCK

[Lee Knight]

Man, I really love this tune. It's a good thing you have an awesome tune for this subject matter. It wouldn't work so well. But you've absolutley nailed the melody. Anyway, if you were to rhyme the "safe" spot with "tune"

 

 

Distant lullaby

I used to let your tune

Coax me soft to sleep

From somewhere warm and deep you'd croon

 

or

 

Distant lullaby

I used to let your tune

Coax me soft to sleep

Somewhere warm and deep and true

 

or

 

Distant lullaby

I used to let your tune

Coax me soft to sleep

Somewhere warm and deep as I grew

 

----------

 

Then you might carry that same rhyme pattern over to...

 

 

But that was long ago

A song I used to know

Distant lullaby

In the silence I

Try to... think of how you'd go

 

----------

 

Or you could play off the "again" rhymes and get those at the end of each verse. Like this maybe...

 

Distant lullaby

I used to let your tune

Coax me soft to sleep

Somewhere warm and deep and content

 

But that was long ago

A song I used to know

Distant lullaby

In the silence I

Try to... think of how you went

 

If you'd sing for me

Your sweetest melody

Distant lullaby

I will hold you tight

And I... won't forget again

 

------

 

Or not, cause it's great as is. Love this tune.

[Oswlek]

 

I think the lyric is perfect as is. Very nice tune. Just really terrific. Can't wait to hear a more finished version. LCK

 

 

Lee, I'm becoming bugged by the "I used to let your tune" line. First off, "let" isn't the right verb. It's like saying, "he let her give him a hummer". Sure, it may be technically correct, but it doesn't adequately portray the willingness and desire. It also feels wrong that that the last syllable isn't a strong "I" even though you assure me otherwise.

 

Got anything else up your sleeve for that spot?

[Oswlek]

 

Somewhere warm and deep and true

 

 

This will be the line if "tune persists in some way. Thanks, Mr. Knight.

[LCK]

 

Lee, I'm becoming bugged by the "I used to let your tune" line.

 

 

That's unfortunate.

 

I had another thought, having nothing to do with the croon/tune rhyme, which I don't think is necessary.

 

Distant lullaby

I used to let your tune

drift me off to sleep,

somewhere soft and deep and warm.

 

I was thinking maybe "drift" might be easier to sing than "coax." That way you also get the assonance of drift and soft.

 

I still don't think you need a rhyme for tune. I think the song works fine without it.

 

Whatever issues you have with the verb to let, I don't share them.

 

Sorry. If something better pops into my head, I'll let you know.

 

LCK

[LCK]

 

Somewhere warm and deep and true This will be the line if "tune persists in some way. Thanks, Mr. Knight.

 

 

I don't know. I really don't think you need it. And to me that line is not quite right anyway.

 

But maybe that's just me.

 

LCK

[LCK]

I listened to the track again, and I still think it works as is.

 

However, there might be a few changes that might make it better.

 

But that was long ago

The song I used to know

Distant lullaby

Now in the darkness I

Try to... think of how it went

 

If you'd sing for me

That old sweet melody

Distant lullaby

I would hold you tight

And I... won't forget again

 

LCK

[Oswlek]

 

I listened to the track again, and I still think it works as is. However, there might be a few changes that might make it better. But that was long ago The song I used to know Distant lullaby Now in the darkness I Try to... think of how it went If you'd sing for me That old sweet melody Distant lullaby I would hold you tight And I... won't forget again LCK

 

 

I like it. The first one is going to take some practice for me. The "th" on "the song" gets in the way a little, and I'm having difficuty getting "now" to fit in comfortably. "Darkness" is definitely under consideration and I agree "it" is an improvement.

 

The second one I'm pretty much going to swipe entirely. The second line in particular solves my problem about it being one single melody.

[LCK]

 

I like it. The first one is going to take some practice for me. The "th" on "the song" gets in the way a little, and I'm having difficuty getting "now" to fit in comfortably. "Darkness" is definitely under consideration and I agree "it" is an improvement. The second one I'm pretty much going to swipe entirely. The second line in particular solves my problem about it being one single melody.

 

 

Cool. Swipe away.

 

LCK

[rhino55]

I think it's cool as is

[Oswlek]

Couple possibilities.

 

You adorned the night

You used to grace the night

Lure/d me soft to sleep

Lull/ed me soft to sleep

 

Are any of these an improvement?

[LCK]

 

Couple possibilities. You adorned the night You used to grace the night Lure/d me soft to sleep Lull/ed me soft to sleep Are any of these an improvement?

 

 

I don't think so.

 

Adorn the night sounds like stars or observable objects of some kind. Grace is a bit out of character as well. Plus I have a feeling it won't flow, vocally as well as what you've already got.

 

As for "lure," that's not what a lullabye does; that's for sirens, luring sailors to their doom, etc. And as for "lull," well, night songs are called lullabies because of the way they lull kids to sleep. So you're not adding anything with that word, you're just repeating yourself.

 

I've been going over that first verse in my head, numerous times, and I have to say I think it works much better without putting rhymes in the expected spots, while putting them in more unexpected places.

 

You don't want to lull your listeners to sleep with predictability!

 

LullCK

[Oswlek]

 

I don't think so. Adorn the night sounds like stars or observable objects of some kind. Grace is a bit out of character as well. Plus I have a feeling it won't flow, vocally as well as what you've already got. As for "lure," that's not what a lullabye does; that's for sirens, luring sailors to their doom, etc. And as for "lull," well, night songs are called lullabies because of the way they lull kids to sleep. So you're not adding anything with that word, you're just repeating yourself. I've been going over that first verse in my head, numerous times, and I have to say I think it works much better without putting rhymes in the expected spots, while putting them in more unexpected places. You don't want to lull your listeners to sleep with predictability! LullCK

 

 

Yeah, I know they suck, but I'm just trying to spark some ideas. I wholeheartely agree with you that "come at night" doesn't really add anything, but no matter how hard I try I can't get "I used to let your tune" to feel right.

[Lee Knight]

This tune is gold. Just don't hose it up. It already is very, very... GOOD.

[oldgitplayer]

This tune is gold. Just don't hose it up. It already is very, very... GOOD.

 

I agree - I think it's brilliant.

And Justin has all the finished lyrics in front of him. A selection of his own and a selection from some of the contributions.

But which are they Justin?............

[Oswlek]

I agree - I think it's brilliant. And Justin has all the finished lyrics in front of him. A selection of his own and a selection from some of the contributions. But which are they Justin?............

 

I could go to war with this

 

Distant lullaby You used to come at night Coax me soft to sleep Somewhere warm and deep and safe But that was long ago A song I used to know Distant lullaby In the darkness I Try to... think of how it went If you'd sing for me That old sweet melody Distant lullaby I would hold you tight And I... won't forget again

[LCK]

What if the tune were called "Long-Lost Lullaby?"

 

That might solve some of the problems you're having.

 

Long-Lost Lullaby,

softer than a sigh,

(you'd) coax me off to sleep

somewhere warm and deep

and safe.

 

But that was long ago

the song I used to know

Long-Lost Lullaby

In the darkness I

Try to... think of how you went

 

If you'd sing for me

your old, sweet melody

Long-Lost Lullaby

I would hold you tight

And I... won't forget again

 

????

 

LCK

[Matximus]

Musically - it is really nice. Thematically & wordwise - I find it just off and not in a good way. Mommies sing lullabies to babies. Women don't sing them to their men.

 

Unless this guy is singing a crazy emotional song about his mother... I'd cleanse it of any creepy connotation.

 

Can a lullaby be any song sung to put one to sleep? Sure. But the first meaning that pops up in anyones head is Rockabye baby.

 

Follow the cue of the great "Our House." She Plays Her Love Songs all Night Long for him.

[Oswlek]

 

Musically - it is really nice. Thematically & wordwise - I find it just off and not in a good way. Mommies sing lullabies to babies. Women don't sing them to their men. Women sing love songs to their men. If your woman is singing you a lullaby... that's just weird and creepy. Unless that's a thing I don't know about. But no woman I've ever been with ever tried to pull that {censored}. Follow the cue of the great "Our House." She Plays Her Love Songs all Night Long for him. Lullaby's got three syllables like "all night long." Why not say lullaby there? Cause e and Joni Mitchel were knocking boots all not long. She weren't his mama. No way.

 

 

Gotcha. FWIW, this song has very little to do with a love interest or sex in any way. Just someone looking back on a simpler time. Is there some way to make that clearer in the lyric?

[LCK]

 

Gotcha. FWIW, this song has very little to do with a love interest or sex in any way. Just someone looking back on a simpler time. Is there some way to make that clearer in the lyric?

 

 

It's clear as day already.

 

LCK

[Matximus]

 

Gotcha. FWIW, this song has very little to do with a love interest or sex in any way. Just someone looking back on a simpler time. Is there some way to make that clearer in the lyric?

 

 

Interesting. I was reading anquished love into the delivery, the sentiment of the whole package. I brought that to the table as a listener.

 

If you want to be clear on meaning in a song the simplest trick I've found is to strive to tell the listener what the story or meaning is explicitly in two key places: In the first two lines out of the singer's mouth, and then in the Chorus. That spells out the main point. Fill the rest of the verses in with color on what and whatnot.

 

And by the first two lines I mean: Establish who the singer is narratively - who what when where why - at the top of the first verse. You see this often done in very very great & memorable songs. It's also a very common trick of country or country-oul songs with stories in them. Not every great song does this - but a good number of them do.

 

"Sitting in the Morning Sun. I'll be sitting when the evening comes."

 

See how he teases the Chorus in that verse verse? Sitting. Waiting. The two key points of the song. We also know that this is someone singing in the first person - very, very important. But pay attention to him starting it with "Sitting." That sets up a powerful echo in the listener minds when he gets around to singing the chorus the first time - it already sounds memorable because he teased it out already. Repetition in a slight-handed way. Magic.

 

I tend to seek clarity & simplicity above else in all songs so I generally stick to this kinda blueprint, particularly when I want to get my point across like a bullet. I've found this trick to be good at making me decide what the whole point of the song is is, wordwise, which makes it easy to stick to. Settle on the hook run with it.

[Oswlek]

Got a buddy to lay down some strings. He gave me the part from the 2nd verse through the interlude and I pieced together the third chorus from those. I'm really loving the direction of this one.

 

http://picosong.com/wRnG

 

I tried punching in and making the changes to the 3rd v/c, but couldn't sing them any better, so I left them as is. Here are the lyrics as sung:

 

 

Distant lullaby You used to come at night Coax me soft to sleep Somewhere warm and deep and safe But that was long ago A song I used to know Distant lullaby In the darkness I Try to... think of how it went If you'd sing for me Your sweetest melody Distant lullaby I will hold you tight And I... won't forget again