Maryanne

[Marshal]

I've got another one in the works. I'll try to get a quicky recording up soon on this one. It's sort of a Cold Play type tune. Not that I started out with that in mind. The chord pattern just sort of headed down that path. I'm thinking it'll be a V1, V2, Chorus, V3, Chorus song. I only had V1 & Chorus until this morning. Now I've got what I think is V2, so I'll post lyrics I have

 

V1

Don

[Marshal]

The inspiration behind it is a female musical friend who is trying to make it. We hang in some of the same circles. But she's always schmoozing up the food chain. And she must think I'm beneath her status, so she treats me like I'm invisible. Even though I've gone to most of her shows, and recorded her performances for her. She still treats me as a non-person. There's no romantic involvement in the real relationship. But I decided to use the situation as a jumping off point for a song lyric.

[Marshal]

Another fun fact about the song. The main chord pattern is where it started. And I worked up the first verse quite quickly. But i was having trouble coming up with an alternate musical pattern and melody to switch to for the chorus. But late one night while lying in bed not sleeping, I started churning the lyrics and melody in my mind. And I came up with a melodic change for the chorus (lyrics and all) without any clue how to fit it musically and chordally into the pattern. Next day I picked up a guitar and plunked out chords that fit that melody nicely. I like them a lot. But I never would have gone there if I'd had had a guitar in my hands when conjuring it up. That's a rarity for me. The instrument usually rules the roost.

[LeonardScaper]

No outright rhyme in either of those verses. I love it.

 

Then the chorus turns that on its head.

 

Great start.

[Oswlek]

A few lines with some extraneous words.

 

The things that I do, to catch her eye.

Like, laughing at her jokes in public

Pouring her heart out up on a stage

 

If you need them to make it flow, run with it. I think I get what you mean by this line, but it doesn't read well at all.

 

 

I

[Marshal]

Well you'll just have to hear it. The syllables are pretty structured. That's why the grammar is as it is. Doesn't mean that that can't be worked on.

 

Eye and smile

Stage and wait

 

That's the way I do them.

[Jahan Honma]

Good work. I like that she wants to be a singer. It makes it slightly more interesting than just another love song.

[rickidoo]

Hey - you broke the rules - no rhymes. :-)

 

I don't have the benefit of the music, and your words are fine, but they got me thinking about the meaning of the lyrics from a personal standpoint, so I decided to personalize it for me...

 

Don

[Monkey Uncle]

 

Well you'll just have to hear it. The syllables are pretty structured. That's why the grammar is as it is. Doesn't mean that that can't be worked on. Eye and smile Stage and wait That's the way I do them.

 

 

Those two almost-rhymes gave me a bit of indigestion. But I'll wait to hear them with music before passing judgment.

[Marshal]

"Judgement"

 

That's what i'm looking for. ;) ;)

 

(Is this the Supreme Court?)

[Lee Knight]

 

I do, to catch her eye. Like, laughing at her jokes in public she may look my way, but why can't she see? She says she wants to sing Pouring her heart on the stage Her hungry snake friends using her As I wait in the wings, why can't she see?

 

 

I'm having some similar feeling as Rick here. Though I love she's wanting to sing. I love the idea of what you're doing here, the basic story. But some of the language feels superfluous. Which in turn leans toward the frilly side. Though I do like the first 2 lines of the 2nd stanza. I like the specific story, just not the overly fussiness of some of it. The last line of the Ch has the same effect on me. The 1st 3 set a tone of directness I wish were there in the verse.

 

Ch

Maryanne

Do you understand? I

[Marshal]

OK boys and girls. I hope you all had a nice Easter Holiday weekend. Just sent all the family heading their various ways. Went down in the basement with my little Zoom H2 recorder and made a quickie preliminary take of the tune so far. I just don't think you all can have any true understanding or helpful comments without hearing something about where it's going. So I just stuck something up on my Soundclick.

 

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11560583&q=hi&newref=1

 

I realized before hand that consciously or subconsciously I was being loose on the verse rhyming scheme, in part, becasue the chorus is total 100% rhyming pattern; Anne, understand, fan, Anne, can, stand.

[rickidoo]

I am pissed at so many people on this board that are hogging all the talent for themselves.

 

Music and melody is beautiful.

 

I like the added descriptive word "sleezy friends"

 

"But she just stares through me"... pops out as me as awkward, I think it would be better "But she stares through me"

 

The "ill try if I can" phrase works as a piece of the chorus melodically, but I think it falls flat in supporting the rest of the message of the song. We know you are trying all you can. Tell me something I don't know. Something that will send a chill (the good kind) when I hear it. And be the "punch line" to the entire song. My 2 cents.

 

Beautiful melody, beautiful supporting music.

[oldgitplayer]

That's pretty damn nice - I think it will be a beautiful song when you have the entire lyric sorted.

[Monkey Uncle]

 

Those two almost-rhymes gave me a bit of indigestion. But I'll wait to hear them with music before passing judgment.

 

 

Funny, those rhymes didn't bother me at all when set to music. But, as Lee already pointed out, the "beside you to stand" line sounds awkward due to its inverted syntax.

[stickboymusic]

I think this is beautiful

 

Maybe something like this to slightly tidy up that line - only one that jumped out at me a bit

 

But she ONLY stares through me, whenever I smile.

[Marshal]

 

I am pissed at so many people on this board that are hogging all the talent for themselves. Music and melody is beautiful. I like the added descriptive word "sleezy friends" "But she just stares through me"... pops out as me as awkward, I think it would be better "But she stares through me" The "ill try if I can" phrase works as a piece of the chorus melodically, but I think it falls flat in supporting the rest of the message of the song. We know you are trying all you can. Tell me something I don't know. Something that will send a chill (the good kind) when I hear it. And be the "punch line" to the entire song. My 2 cents. Beautiful melody, beautiful supporting music.

 

 

Thanks. The sleazy friends are probably going to be changed to so-called friends. . . . , (sorry.) I couldn't think of the word last night. Too much beer, wine, and cheesy potatoes to have full control of my mental faculties.

 

Yes, there's awkward syntax things that need to be sorted out and and tightened up to flow better.

[Marshal]

 

I think this is beautiful Maybe something like this to slightly tidy up that line - only one that jumped out at me a bit But she ONLY stares through me, whenever I smile.

 

 

I'll surely consider that. (And don't call me Shirley!). That's a critical juicy line in the lyric and it's not flowing well yet. I really like the idea that someone lights it up with a big smile and the other person never picks up on it. To me that's the most telling line in the song. It's a sure sign the relationship is not going anywhere. The protagonist is just too delusional to see it.

[Lee Knight]

Great melody! Really nice the way the chords work as well. The lyric sits nice on the tune. I still do have issue with "Beside you to stand". It's a little bit o' Yoda or Alan-a Dale with its ye ol' syntax. But hey, that's just me. You've got a way with a melody. Really nice. I want some of that!

[Marshal]

 

"At your service."

[Oswlek]

That is gorgeous. I love the thicker chords in the chorus. I also think "beside you to stand" sounds a little funny and now that I hear it I'm certain "beside you I stand" would fit well.

 

But run with whatever you think works!

[LeonardScaper]

 

No outright rhyme in either of those verses. I love it. Then the chorus turns that on its head.

 

 

Just need to put that back out there because after hearing this gorgeous song I stand fully behind the lyrics as they are.....hinted rhymes.

 

Except.....hungry/sleazy. So-called works for me. I have had that same problem with cheesy potatoes.

 

Love what your voice does on....."Maryanne".

[Marshal]

Thanks Leonard. I appreciate that. I have fun with vocal manipulations. It's my thing. And I have fun with Maryanne. The first syllable is pronounced more like "mar" (as in hardee, har, har, har). It's almost like Mar-ree-on. Close to what you expect, but different. Recognizable, but unique. Or that's what I shoot for. Fun vocal manipulations.

 

. . . . , but this isn't a vocal technique forum, is it?

[Marshal]

Well I came up with a 3rd verse. I was sitting in a bar last night, waiting for my turn at an open mic. I had muddled through a third verse earlier in the day that was doing OK. Then at the bar, I sort of got it right. I decided to play the song in my 3 song set. "World Premier," so to speak. Went very well, (though I bobbled a couple words). But I told the crowd this was a new one I had just finished at the bar, so all was forgiven.

 

Anyway here's the 3rd verse as it sits.

 

Backstage when the show is over

She's laughing and smiling while eveyone raves

Some "Big Shot' says that there's a party

She gives me a wink, and she's on her way.

 

It can use some tweaking. I wanted to say "throws me a wink" to signify across a room, but nobody throws a wink. And "gives me a wink" is not as juicy as I'd like there.

 

One thing I keep churning is the last "I'll try if I can. Beside you to stand." It fits, but it's not as solid as "Do you understand, I'm your biggest fan." A little awkward, actually. But I'm welded into the repeating "an" sound. And so far nothing else is clicking any better. (I've tried chance and any other rhyme I can think of. . . , circumstance? )

 

[stickboymusic]

 

Well I came up with a 3rd verse. I was sitting in a bar last night, waiting for my turn at an open mic. I had muddled through a third verse earlier in the day that was doing OK. Then at the bar, I sort of got it right. I decided to play the song in my 3 song set. "World Premier," so to speak. Went very well, (though I bobbled a couple words). But I told the crowd this was a new one I had just finished at the bar, so all was forgiven. Anyway here's the 3rd verse as it sits. Backstage when the show is over She's laughing and smiling while eveyone raves Some "Big Shot' says that there's a party She gives me a wink, and she's on her way. It can use some tweaking. I wanted to say "throws me a wink" to signify across a room, but nobody throws a wink. And "gives me a wink" is not as juicy as I'd like there. One thing I keep churning is the last "I'll try if I can. Beside you to stand." It fits, but it's not as solid as "Do you understand, I'm your biggest fan." A little awkward, actually. But I'm welded into the repeating "an" sound. And so far nothing else is clicking any better. (I've tried chance and any other rhyme I can think of. . . , circumstance? )

 

 

shoots me a wink?