Members Oswlek Posted April 30, 2012 Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 Since I am completely at a loss for second verse of "Sunlight", I had to table that for a little while. I'm now thinking about this melancholy number, yet another song that I thought was done but when I picked it up again I realized it still needed work. [video=youtube;x2h5ZeDGIEs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2h5ZeDGIEs Sweet shadow, shield my eyesSweet shadow, swallow my criesIf I were blind I wouldn't have to seeThe mess this life has made of meIf I were mute there'd be no words to sayIn solitude, no one hears anywaySweet shadow, shieled my eyesSweet shadow, swallow my criesDown, down I goIf I were numb I would feel no moreTill night has come the light will scornOh how I wish I could be like youAbsent of this nothing will doDown, down I goSweet shadow....Sweet shadow... FWIW, I was going for a double entendre with the final line. The obvious, "nothing else will satisfy" and the obscure "nothing(ness) will do for now". I don't think I pulled it off, though. Not sure about "scorn" either. The bigger problem with the verse is the addition of a "you" that I think might be out of place. Let me know if you disagree. I know an easy solution is just do another sense, but I want to avoid that. Got any great ideas? Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 30, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 30, 2012 Cool stuff. But parts of it have that stiff poet thing happening. If I were numb I would feel no more (feels stiff)Till night has come the light will scorn (This is the kind of thing up with which I will not put!)Oh how I wish I could be like you (stiff, oh how I wish!)Absent of this nothing will do (stiff) Just riffing for ideas... If I were numb I wouldn't feel a thingNo summer burn, no winter stingMy heart a vacuum, nothing left to bleedToo much of nothing... exactly what I need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 Yeah, I know. That is why I made it red, as in reddy to cut. Keep riffing. Get my rusty gears winding... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 30, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 30, 2012 If I were deaf I wouldn't hear the chimeOf the alarm clock telling me it's timeTo shake a leg, get out of bedI'd close my eyes and lay in instead And pull the covers up below to my chinAs no one wonders where I've beenI'd sleep the afternoon awayLooking toward more tomorrows, just like today Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 30, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 30, 2012 If my tongue went dead, no sour or sweetI couldn't taste this bitter defeatAnd while I'd miss the taste of wineI'd drink it still to pass the time Until my common sense had drainedTo a puddle on the floor left unexplainedThen I'd have nothing and that's allright with meCause nothing's where I want to be Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 The deaf angle was the first that popped into my head. I really like what LK did with "If my tougue went dead... till to pass the time." Either way I think it works. It would be neat to keep that "sweet shadow, (something that relates to the previous verse)" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 FWIW, if you pay attention, there is a subtle internal rhyme going on. (blind/life, mute/tude) Going to want that, it keeps the flow. I like the "tongue" lines, but I worry it is redundant with the "mute" angle. As of now, I'm leaning towards... If I were numb, I wouldn't feel a thing?????Oh nothingness is fine with me'Cause nothing's where I want to be A strong "I" word to substitute for "want" would be better... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 30, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 30, 2012 I'm not concerning myself with internal rhymes or syllable count or any of it. That's your job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 I'm not concerning myself with internal rhymes or syllable count or any of it. That's your job! Fair enough! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted April 30, 2012 Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 Love the tune. I humbly submit these words. Poor choices made, then friendships were brokenI heard the words, but not what was spokenIf I had looked, and saw where I was goingIf I had listened, instead of all knowing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 If I were numb, I wouldn't feel a thinganother symptom of what tomorrow bringsThe nothingness is fine with me'Cause nothing's where I want to be Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 Thanks for kicking me around, guys. I've been going over it in my head and I think I'll go back to: If I were numb, I would feel no more It just flows better and the phrasing on the next line really sounds bad with a "ing" rhyme. Ryan's post made me check and there are some great "numb" rhymes. I really want to see if I can get "valium" in there, but don't know if it fits the theme. ValiumVenomVictimSeldomRhythmSuccumbLonesomePhantom ^ The winner has to be in there somewhere. Otherwise just a change to "when night has come". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 30, 2012 Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 I'm just digging the guitar and voice. Maybe something like: If I were numb I would feel no painand dreams would come like novocaineto free me from [these shadows blue]Why can't I be more like you? LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 LCK I like what you did with the first two lines. I'm not so sure our narrator wants to be free from the shadows though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 I like what you did with the first two lines.I'm not so sure our narrator wants to be free from the shadows though. Spot on, in both instances. How about this as the first two lines: If I were numb I would feel no painand night/black/dark would come sweet novocaine I need something else for "sweet", but it can only be one syllable. Cool? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 I'm leaning towards this. Sweet shadow, shield my eyesSweet shadow, swallow my criesIf I were blind I wouldn't have to seeThe mess this life has made of meIf I were mute there'd be no words to sayIn solitude, no one hears anywaySweet shadow, shieled my eyesSweet shadow, swallow my criesDown, down I goIf I were numb I would feel no painand black would come sweet novocaine Oh nothingness, it's alright with meThis empty bliss....????Down, down I goSweet shadow....Sweet shadow... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted April 30, 2012 Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 I know novocaine rhymes and all, and it is related via a dentist chair to numb, but... In verse 1, you have things (nicely) set up like: cause > effectoutcomecause > effectoutcome Now verse 2 switches to cause > effecteffect (Black) > cause.... ... if I am misinterpreting this it is because the 2nd line about novacaine seems too poetic. (I had to work mentally to understand what it was saying). At any rate, Ilike the structure of verse 1, and think it should be continued in verse 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 Good point, Rick. I'll play with it some more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 In light of Rick's feedback, I think I'm switching back to "I would feel no more". I think it is more appropriate because he isn't just giving up the pain, he is giving up all sensation. Sweet shadow, shield my eyesSweet shadow, swallow my criesIf I were blind I wouldn't have to seeThe mess this life has made of meIf I were mute there'd be no words to sayIn solitude, no one hears anywaySweet shadow, shieled my eyesSweet shadow, swallow my criesDown, down I goIf I were numb I would feel no moreWhen/Till black has come...??? Oh nothingness, it's alright with meThis empty bliss....????Down, down I goSweet shadow....Sweet shadow... Rather than "come" to rhyme with "numb", I'm still considering: ValiumVenomVictimSeldomRhythmSuccumbLonesomePhantom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted April 30, 2012 Members Share Posted April 30, 2012 Don't grind on this one. It's good right now. Man....you have really turned some sort of a corner with your songwriting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted May 1, 2012 Members Share Posted May 1, 2012 Rather than "come" to rhyme with "numb", I'm still considering:ValiumVenomVictimSeldomRhythmSuccumbLonesomePhantom "Succumb" is the best rhyme for "numb." All the others are accented on the first syllable. Trying to rhyme the un-accented "um" syllable on those would sound forced. That said, I didn't think LCK's novocaine suggestion was all that bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 1, 2012 Members Share Posted May 1, 2012 I didn't think LCK's novocaine suggestion was all that bad. If you don't want it, I'd be glad to keep it for myself for future use. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 1, 2012 Members Share Posted May 1, 2012 For the "down, down I go" part, it might be cool to not have jump back to that same riff in the middle of that section. To me it sounded like it wanted to keep following a descending sort of pattern. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 1, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 1, 2012 For the "down, down I go" part, it might be cool to not have jump back to that same riff in the middle of that section. To me it sounded like it wanted to keep following a descending sort of pattern. No comprende' senior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 1, 2012 Author Members Share Posted May 1, 2012 Lee why did you delete your post? I thought it was pretty insightful. Despite your reservations, I like "feel no more", but the I agree the rest is probably too poetic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.