Members LordBTY Posted June 11, 2012 Members Share Posted June 11, 2012 Hey guys, what do you think of these lyrics? Anything stick out as being dodgy? --- I've always been impressed with a girlWho could sing for her supper and get breakfast as wellThat's the way I am, heaven help meHe said, "We don't like peace campaigners 'round here"As he nailed another one to the wallAnd that's what gets me in trouble, heaven help me Goodbye and good luck to all the promises you've brokenGoodbye and good luck to all the rubbish that you've spokenYour life has lost its dignity, its beauty and its passionYou're an accident waiting to happen There you are standing in the barAnd you're giving me grief about the DDRAnd that chip on your shoulder gets bigger as you get olderOne of these night you're gonna get caught,And She'll give you a pregnant pause for thoughtYou're a dedicated swallower of fascism Time up and time outFor all the liberties you've takenTime up and time out for all the friends that you've forsakenAnd if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're an accident waiting to happen My sins are so unoriginalI have all the self-loathing of a wolf in sheep's clothingIn this carnival of carnivores, Heaven help me Time up and time outFor all the liberties you've takenTime up and time out for all the friends that you've forsakenAnd if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're an accident waiting to happen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 12, 2012 Members Share Posted June 12, 2012 There are some very interesting and clever lines here. I'd like to hear what the tune sounds like. Parts of the lyric seem a bit wordy. Not a lot, just a bit. It would be nice to know how the lyric and tune fit together. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted June 12, 2012 Members Share Posted June 12, 2012 The lyric has a number of interesting lines, but I'm having a hard time following the action. It seems to jump around between unconnected vignettes, and the shifts between first and third person leave me wondering who/what the song is about. Did you intend for it to have a central theme or story line? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted June 12, 2012 Members Share Posted June 12, 2012 Hey guys, what do you think of these lyrics? Anything stick out as being dodgy? ---I've always been impressed with a girlWho could sing for her supper and get breakfast as wellThat's the way I am, heaven help me He said, "We don't like peace campaigners 'round here" As he nailed another one to the wall And that's what gets me in trouble, heaven help meGoodbye and good luck to all the promises you've broken Goodbye and good luck to all the rubbish that you've spoken garbage"Your life has lost its dignity, its beauty and its passion You're an accident waiting to happen There you are standing in the barAnd you're giving me grief about the DDR And that chip on your shoulder gets bigger as you get olderOne of these night you're gonna get caught, And She'll give you a pregnant pause for thoughtYou're a dedicated swallower of fascism Time up and time outFor all the liberties you've takenTime up and time out for all the friends that you've forsakenAnd if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're an accident waiting to happenMy sins are so unoriginalI have all the self-loathing of a wolf in sheep's clothingIn this carnival of carnivores, Heaven help meTime up and time outFor all the liberties you've takenTime up and time out for all the friends that you've forsakenAnd if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're an accident waiting to happen I'm a lyrical 1st grader, so feel free to ignore everything I said. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted June 12, 2012 Members Share Posted June 12, 2012 Some great stuff in here Im wondering if you could maybe use the slightly less obvious Your life has lost its dignity, its beauty and its passionYou're an tradegy waiting to happen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LordBTY Posted June 12, 2012 Author Members Share Posted June 12, 2012 Some great stuff in hereIm wondering if you could maybe use the slightly less obviousYour life has lost its dignity, its beauty and its passionYou're an tradegy waiting to happen I suppose that could work, yeah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted June 13, 2012 Members Share Posted June 13, 2012 DDR = deutsch demokratische republik, i.e., the former East Germany. Right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LordBTY Posted June 13, 2012 Author Members Share Posted June 13, 2012 Disarmament, Demobilization and Reintegration Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 13, 2012 Moderators Share Posted June 13, 2012 Lots of great stuff in there, for sure. I am confused as to what section is what section. That doesn't say anything negative about your work, only that I'm a little uncertain how to help. But... I will say Stick's contribution is a worthy one. And if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're an accident waiting to happen That's ^ just some very cool writing. Unfortunately capped with a cliche. And it does work, but it feels like it could really pull no punches (And if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're a tragedy waiting to happen Stick's ^ Or And if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're just tears waiting to happen And if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're disaster waiting to happen And if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're a punchline waiting to happen Another issue is, I'm not sure what's going on. You might chalk that up (Is it just me? Very possible. Anyone else? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted June 14, 2012 Members Share Posted June 14, 2012 Lots of great stuff in there, for sure. I am confused as to what section is what section. That doesn't say anything negative about your work, only that I'm a little uncertain how to help. But... I will say Stick's contribution is a worthy one.And if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're an accident waiting to happenThat's ^ just some very cool writing. Unfortunately capped with a cliche. And it does work, but it feels like it could really pull no punches (tragedy waiting to happenStick's ^OrAnd if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're just tears waiting to happenAnd if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're disaster waiting to happenAnd if you choose to waste away like death is back in fashionYou're a punchline waiting to happenAnother issue is, I'm not sure what's going on. You might chalk that up ( Me too. While I like a song that doesn't hit you between the eyes with its message, a little inscrutability goes a long way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HoboSage Posted June 16, 2012 Members Share Posted June 16, 2012 I would suggest you use " . . . for all the friends you have forsaken" instead of " . . . for all the friends that you've forsaken." Singing, or even just saying, "forsaken" right after "you've," if it comes at all quickly after, is . . . well, just try it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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