Members rhino55 Posted July 9, 2012 Members Share Posted July 9, 2012 I haven't had a chance to play it yet, but a melody is already there. Should it have a chorus? If so, what direction should I take it? Also, I think the last verse kind of sucks, any ideas for that? I like what it says, but I don't like how it says it. There Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted July 9, 2012 Members Share Posted July 9, 2012 Cool - you are right.. the written lyrics do convey a sort of melody. Only the last verse confused me. As far as chorus goes, I guess my counter question is this: what is the main point of the song? What are you trying to drive home? Make that teh chorus and then hit it with a hammer 3 or so times. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 9, 2012 Cool - you are right.. the written lyrics do convey a sort of melody.Only the last verse confused me. As far as chorus goes, I guess my counter question is this: what is the main point of the song? What are you trying to drive home? Make that teh chorus and then hit it with a hammer 3 or so times.Rick The last verse starts with a reference to the previous. If the stars are selling mysteries then the price is basically your own imagination. If you're bored on bus anyway, why not? I guess the main point is there is more to see on the highway than truck stops and billboards for truck stops if you know where/how to look. I wonder is something like this could work The things you'll see if your looking The things you'll see if you lookThe things you'll see Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted July 9, 2012 Members Share Posted July 9, 2012 Why not just repeat the first verse again at the end? If you need a summary, toss a refrain my way and I'm good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 9, 2012 Why not just repeat the first verse again at the end? I thought about it, but I think I might use that too much. I could do a recap of everything. There's a dragon in the treesThere's a rooster in the clouds There are stars selling intrigue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 9, 2012 Moderators Share Posted July 9, 2012 How 'bout like this instead? There's a Dragon in the Trees There Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 9, 2012 Moderators Share Posted July 9, 2012 How 'bout like this instead? There's a Dragon in the Trees There Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 9, 2012 How 'bout like this instead? There's a Dragon in the Trees There Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 9, 2012 Moderators Share Posted July 9, 2012 cheers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 9, 2012 maybe this for the xxx's part Now he stands like a sentry Guarding a field that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 9, 2012 Moderators Share Posted July 9, 2012 nice^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 10, 2012 Tracked a demo. It's a bit on the long side, but that'll make it more fun to work up with the band. There are some mispronunciations and the like but you should get the idea. I did what LK said and am pleased with it so far. If I come up with a different idea for the chorus I might try tracking it closer to the op, but I think I'm digging it as is. Does the chorus work? http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11757626&q=hi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 10, 2012 Tracked a demo. It's a bit on the long side, but that'll make it more fun to work up with the band. There are some mispronunciations and the like but you should get the idea. I did what LK said and am pleased with it so far. If I come up with a different idea for the chorus I might try tracking it closer to the op, but I think I'm digging it as is. Does the chorus work? http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11757626&q=hi The next day bump. What do y'all think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted July 10, 2012 Members Share Posted July 10, 2012 There is definitely something there. My only two thoughts are 1) Some variation would be nice. I'm assuming you'll pull much of that off instrumentally, but I think some melodic variation might be prudent as well. 2) How about having the location change each chorus? Is Lake Charles important in some way that I'm not getting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 10, 2012 Moderators Share Posted July 10, 2012 It feels like the Dagon bit should p[lay on the fact that the meter is the same but you sing a differnt melody and chords. Its a trad form. It lloks the same and meters the same but your meldoy are totally different. That's what I'd do with it. So yeah, I'd keep what you have but work on a lifted sound chorus for the dragon lake charles chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 10, 2012 Moderators Share Posted July 10, 2012 It feels like the Dragon bit should play on the fact that the meter is the same but you sing a different melody and chords. It's a trad form. Right now you're keeping them the same or very similar. It looks the same and meters the same but your melody could (and I think should) totally different. That's what I'd do with it. So yeah, I'd keep what you have but work on a lifted sound chorus for the dragon lake charles chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 10, 2012 It feels like the Dragon bit should play on the fact that the meter is the same but you sing a different melody and chords. It's a trad form. Right now you're keeping them the same or very similar. It looks the same and meters the same but your melody could (and I think should) totally different. That's what I'd do with it. So yeah, I'd keep what you have but work on a lifted sound chorus for the dragon lake charles chorus. I think I get what you're saying, but do you have a specific traditional example in mind? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 10, 2012 Moderators Share Posted July 10, 2012 Not a specific example but... right now you have the verse (and chorus) going from the iv back to the i. But what if for the chorus, you went to say, the VI then the III? So... in Am, that's verse: Dm / Am and whatever chords you're weaving in there. But for the Chorus you go to: F / C / F / C / E7 / Am... than back to your verse: Dm / Am Just so something gives a very clear contrast between the verse and the chorus. Your verse is in the key of Am, your chorus might be in the key a C. (of course transposed to your key) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 11, 2012 Here is another take. http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11761255&q=hi Any better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 11, 2012 The lyrics as they stand in the latest version Prowling down I-10He's just looking for a friendIt's a wonder that he ever made it this far He's standing like a sentryguarding a field that's mostly emptyas the people drive by in their cars There's a dragon in the treeswith its scales made out of leaves sitting about a half hour outside of Lake Charles Silhouetted by the moonlighthe only comes out at nighthe'll fly away before the sun ever starts its rising With his head up in the cloudshe's silently strutting proudeyes west scratching at the horizon There's a dragon in the treeswith its scales made out of leaves sitting about a half hour outside of Lake Charles There are stores in the starsbut I never bothered to learn what they arelike billboards selling nature's mysteries In for a pound or maybe a pennyit don't matter much if you ain't got anywhat the sky's selling it's selling for free There's a dragon in the treeswith its scales made out of leaves sitting about a half hour outside of Lake Charles There's a dragon in the treeswith its scales made out of leaves sitting about a half hour outside of Lake Charles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted July 12, 2012 Members Share Posted July 12, 2012 Much better. I can hear some harmonies and other backing vocals. Even though you don't really change the range, you change the flow and the guitar enough for there to be some development, variation. Now the rest can be taken care of with layering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 12, 2012 Moderators Share Posted July 12, 2012 Sounds good. I really like what you doing on the first 2 lines of the chorus. That really flows well. The last line however... Just about a half about a half hour outside Lake Charles ...doesn't really work for me. The rushed and informal delivery doesn't really own that power spot. You need something that caps it. Puts the cherry on top. Consider stretching out the line. Like just about a half(1) hour(2) (rest 3, 4) out(1) side(2) (3 rest) Lake(4) Charles(1) That would give the ear a place to land each chorus. With accents: just about a | BUMP-BUMP 3... 4... | BUMP-BUMP 3... BUMP | BUMP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 12, 2012 Sounds good. I really like what you doing on the first 2 lines of the chorus. That really flows well. The last line however...Just about a half about a half hour outside Lake Charles...doesn't really work for me. The rushed and informal delivery doesn't really own that power spot. You need something that caps it. Puts the cherry on top. Consider stretching out the line. Likejust about a half(1) hour(2) (rest 3, 4) out(1) side(2) (3 rest) Lake(4) Charles(1)That would give the ear a place to land each chorus. With accents:just about a | BUMP-BUMP 3... 4... | BUMP-BUMP 3... BUMP | BUMP Like this? http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11761534&q=hi I reverted back to the original way the second time. Just sort of how it came out, but by no means intentional. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 12, 2012 Moderators Share Posted July 12, 2012 Not really. In my mind there should be a big 2 bar gap before that last line (double time). The "just-about-a..." would be the pickup on the last 3 and 4 of the two bars of rest. It would bring emphasis to the line. And even though Oswlek mentioned changing that Lake Charles to different locations, for me, I think instead that by emphasizing that seemingly insignificant detail, it brings a poignancy to that little moment in time for you. That's what you're trying to capture and freeze. That moment you saw that image. So highlight it and play off the contradiction of its insignificance being significant. I can record something to show you the idea but I don't want to stall your progress... your call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 12, 2012 Not really. In my mind there shoulld be a big 2 bar gap before that last line (double time). The "just-about-a..." would be the pickup on the last 3 and 4 of the two bars of rest. I can record something to show you the idea but I don't want to stall your progress... If you don't mind, that would be great. I'm not really following what you're saying. There's no big rush. I got a couple solo sets coming up in the next couple weeks. It would be nice to have it ready for them, but worst case scenario I can always do it as is. My songs usually change over time anyway. The chords I'm using If memory serves correct the verses are 0 x x 4 3 0 5 x 7 5 0 0x 9 9 7 0 0 Chorus G D Am(maybe 7) C I'm not sure how this would work out with what you're talking about doing, but I'm curious to see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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