Members dreamsound2 Posted July 8, 2012 Members Share Posted July 8, 2012 AS PROMISED, I TOOK ALL YOUR ADVICE IN CONSIDERATION AND HERE IS THE FINAL PRODUCT, NEW LYRICS ON VIDEO DESCRIPTION. THANK YOU!!! CLICK ON YOUTUBE LINK BELOW: ------------------------------------------------------------I've been wanting to do this for a while. I'm trying to write a song about my beliefs and how it all relates to current trends and 'esoteric' events (2012 phenomena, shifting of the ages, the end of the mayan calendar, age of aquarius, 11:11, etc). Quite the task, impossible to do in one song but at least shed some light?... or maybe I should just stick to love songs . So anyways, hopefully I won't get slammed too badly here. Here is the actual song with the melody and a bunch of babbling (Nothing done to it and raw mix so be sure to turn the volume up):http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/89148310My beliefs consist on each of us having an inner knowing, an inner self that is our connection to All that is however you choose to call 'him'. It is our infinite self, our most true self, our small piece of the All, and it knows, what is best for us. It is also our bridge between us and him. This might be your inner knowing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HoboSage Posted July 8, 2012 Members Share Posted July 8, 2012 I commend you for your expressed intentions with this one, Fernando. You could use "dogma" instead of "religion." But, I have to tell ya, with your multiple references to "him" and "his words" and "he will arrive," it still comes off as bible-thumpin' to me, and I think you're kidding yourself if you think others will think your use of "him" and "he" was some open concept and not specific references to the god of the bible. Also, I would suggest you think about using rhyme in the lyric. That alone would make it sound more song-like and less sermon-like, and this is preachy - very preachy. You have the correct prescription for what ails us. You have answers - "we become the light," "there's only one way to feel his words," and those who think the world will end - well, they are wrong, and you tell them so, because you know better or at least believe it's not so. I'll be honest, the stream-of-consciousness rough draft seemed more about searching for answers, and I respectfully suggest that's perhaps the common ground you should write about and flesh out. Isn't it not knowing and feeling adrift that's really at the core of spirituality, and isn't that common ground that cuts across religious dogma? Just a thought, Brother. .Peace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted July 8, 2012 Members Share Posted July 8, 2012 Is the song at http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/89148310 and the lyrics you posted for the same song???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted July 8, 2012 Members Share Posted July 8, 2012 I'm really diggin' the old school metal vibe. Sort of like a Ronnie James Dio song. The simmering riff in the verse/pre-chorus contrasting against the big chords in the chorus works really well - good build up and release. I think you nailed the structure of the song perfectly - I mean the way the verses, prechorus, chorus, bridge, break, etc. work together. Although it's a pretty long song, I didn't lose interest half way through.The mix may be a little rough, but I definitely like the overall sound. It's a great garage-metal sound; a refreshing break from the mind-numbing sameness of the stuff you hear on "modern rock" radio these days. The guitar tone is killer. Are those real drums? They could use a little cleaning up, but not too much. You don't want to lose that "real drum" sound.As for the lyric, I'm not a spiritual person, so I'm not sure how much help I can give you on that. However, I think HoboSage is probably right - all the "he" "him" "his" references are likely to make people think you are referring to a personal god (or maybe Satan, given the music). The lyrics in the bridge seem a bit weak, like they don't really say anything. I'm not sure what meaning you were going for there, but I didn't catch it.The music is your strength in this song. I'd listen again, even if I had no idea what the song is about (or perhaps in spite of the message). Good work. P.S. - on second listen, I realized your vocal melody is a big part of the reason the song works for me. Perfect build up to the chorus release. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted July 8, 2012 Members Share Posted July 8, 2012 Originally Posted by RickDieffenbach Is the song at http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/89148310 and the lyrics you posted for the same song???? Read what the OP said. He mumbled a melody with made up words on the spot.... then posted the lyrics that fit the melody.I think it would have been easier with a quick one vocal take on the proposed lyrics but yeh the new lyrics go with the melody of the audio Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dreamsound2 Posted July 8, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 8, 2012 Originally Posted by stickboymusic Read what the OP said. He mumbled a melody with made up words on the spot.... then posted the lyrics that fit the melody.I think it would have been easier with a quick one vocal take on the proposed lyrics but yeh the new lyrics go with the melody of the audio Absolutely, I will post the revised version with the actual lyrics all the way to the final product. As soon as I can figure out how to sound less 'preachy.' Isn't this what you guys do too? Have an idea --> Mumble a melody --> Fit the idea into the melody = Songwriting?Hobo, you hit it spot on. Dogma is the word I'm looking for along with an 'open mind' to be able to listen to ourselves. Also, it does sound like a Christian rock song, it is going to be hard to steer away from that and I don't mind it so much. This is what the band 12 Stones did when they asked them if they were a Christian band. I just want to make it abstract enough so the audience can interpret it in their own ways and I don't think I'm doing that yet. Monkey, I'm really glad you liked the music brother. You are the third person that tells me I sound like Dio. I actually saw them in concert at the age of 12 along with Iron Maiden but haven't heard much from them since. Looking back into 'Holy Diver,' I like his songwriting style, no clue what he is talking about in the lyrics and everyone has a different interpretation of it. This is why I left the bridge like the melody mumbling, which refers to the struggle of having to search for your own answers and that it is not an easy task.What do you think about the 'I' and 'We' can I mix them around or do I HAVE TO stick with 'WE' only? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HoboSage Posted July 8, 2012 Members Share Posted July 8, 2012 Originally Posted by dreamsound2 Isn't this what you guys do too? Have an idea --> Mumble a melody --> Fit the idea into the melody = Songwriting? Nope. This is what I do: Play guitar, letting my hands do what they want without much direction from "me" --> Listen --> Start singing whatever comes to mind while I'm playing --> Listen --> I'll play something that sounds "right" --> I'll sing something that sounds "right" --> I follow those leads and structure and form develop symbiotically between music and words+vocal melody --> tweak, edit, polish --> Ultimately, a song is either born, or a dead end is filed away in memory - perhaps to find a new place in a new song down the road, perhaps to be forgotten - and then I move on --> Play guitar . . .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dreamsound2 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Members Share Posted July 9, 2012 Originally Posted by HoboSage Nope. This is what I do: Play guitar, letting my hands do what they want without much direction from "me" --> Listen --> Start singing whatever comes to mind while I'm playing --> Listen --> I'll play something that sounds "right" --> I'll sing something that sounds "right" --> I follow those leads and structure and form develop symbiotically between music and words+vocal melody --> tweak, edit, polish --> Ultimately, a song is either born, or a dead end is filed away in memory - perhaps to find a new place in a new song down the road, perhaps to be forgotten - and then I move on --> Play guitar . . .. Of course, I was just summarizing all the above What I'm getting to is that a lot of people write lyrics 'first' and then the singing melody. It looks like you write your lyrics 'during' melody creation (from the info above). Do you change your singing melody to fit your lyrics? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HoboSage Posted July 9, 2012 Members Share Posted July 9, 2012 I guess what I was getting at is that, for me, it starts with a riff my hands find in a guitar or other musical instrument. It ALWAYS starts that way for me. It never starts with any melody or lyric "ideas" at all. Yes, many songwriters do write lyrics and/or a vocal melody first - and I think they're aliens! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 9, 2012 Members Share Posted July 9, 2012 In an effort to keep the cryptic nature you are going for I'd loose the references to 'him.'We become the light We always knew There's only one way to feel the truthAll the answers Lie in a place deep inside The bridge between us and themPlanet 'X' will crash What they don't know is that he will arrive I got nothing for the last sentence but agree it should be changed. I would rather see it address planet X crashing. I agree with you that 'and no more religions' needs to be changed. Not everyone gets that there is a difference between spirituality and religion. To keep it cryptic I think the word religion should be taken out completely. If you want to keep it I would say something like 'apart from religion.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 9, 2012 Moderators Share Posted July 9, 2012 Originally Posted by rhino55 In an effort to keep the cryptic nature you are going for I'd loose the references to 'him.'We become the light We always knewThere's only one way to feel the truthAll the answers Lie in a place deep inside The bridge between us and themPlanet 'X' will crashWhat they don't know is that he will arrive I got nothing for the last sentence but agree it should be changed. I would rather see it address planet X crashing.I agree with you that 'and no more religions' needs to be changed. Not everyone gets that there is a difference between spirituality and religion. To keep it cryptic I think the word religion should be taken out completely. If you want to keep it I would say something like 'apart from religion.' Great job. I agree. Once you include "him", you run the risk of all that baggage getting in the way of the message. Nothing wrong with writing a praise song, but this seems like it wants to avoid any assumptions. And for it to do that, it needs to avoid any triggers that bring thoughts with lots of associations. "Him" brings us into traditional dogma, no matter how hard you try to steer into a new idea. The secret is to not go there in the first place.Of go there but realize you then have a praise song. And prasie songs don't allow for new ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dreamsound2 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 30, 2012 Here's the final product... thanks to everyone who helped with these lyrics!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 30, 2012 Members Share Posted October 30, 2012 Very cool. Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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