Acetone Joan

[Monkey Uncle]

So here's a semi-complete draft of a song I've been working on for a while. For a simple little 5 chord song, you wouldn't believe how long it took to get it to this point. And you wouldn't believe how long it took me to get a one-take voice & guitar demo without falling apart somewhere in the middle. O.K., if you've listened to my stuff before, you might believe it.

Anyway, it's a weird song structure-wise (no chorus or bridge, just alternating A and B sections). And I know I beat the hell out of the -one/-ome rhymes. It just sort of happened that way in the first verse, and I ran with it from there.

So, whaddya think?

http://www.soundclick.com/player/sin...=12092625&q=hi

Acetone Joan

Acetone Joan
Sits there talkin

[dramey]

Brilliant. I love the title and the way you ended it.

The only nit I would pick would be the non rhyming lines. I know it is intentional, and they work for the most part, a couple of them rubbed my ears a bit wrong. On second listen, I think it's more a performance issue (Hey, it's still better than I can pull off live), the lyrics are fine.

[RickDieffenbach]

Monkey,

Based on what you said, i decided to just listen for enjoyment, no critical ear. The question in my mind was simple: will I enjoy the experience?

The resounding answer turned out yes. It was a fun romp, and it held my interest.

What is the one thing I would suggest to make the song an even better romp?

Well. I don't feel it needs a "formal" chorus, with several lines that repeat through the song. I really don't. But, that being said, I think it's built into people to like rhythm , pulses, recurring beats etc. Maybe it starts with mommas heartbeat. At any rate, I think this song needs at least one line that acts as a rhythm point through the song. A place where a key point can be conveyed and also a place where people can take a short mental break at a line familiar.

So that is my thought. Pick a line and use it to anchor the user a few times throughout the song. You begin to do that with the toenails thing, but I think there are better lines in the story already that might lend themselves to that.

Rick

[Lee Knight]

cool! Fun tune!

[Monkey Uncle]

Thanks, guys! Rick, I'm wondering if I can add some sort of refrain line in the brief instrumental section that comes around when each B section cycles back to the next A section. I'll have to put some thought into that. However, I'm also wondering if the current repetition of the title line at the beginning of every A section is enough? It's not a typical refrain since it comes at the beginning of each verse instead of the end, but it does sort of provide that anchor point.