Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 15, 2013 Moderators Share Posted February 15, 2013 So... Phil/OGP (the co-writer on this) is out of town for the week and away from a computer. I've got the basic groove, basic instrumentation, and the full structure laid out in Pro Tools. I love this stage of things. It's not yet, but it is GOING TO BE real. The foundation is very real. We have form and substance. No longer just an idea. Here is the lyric as it stands. I've bolded the bits I don't like and feel need improvement. Ideas? Turn another corner V1This same old endless street Stretches out before me Knowin' who I'll meet And what I'm gonna see(Evr'thing) lined up straight ...It's not too late... ChorusTurn another corner?Lighten up my stride?Turn another corner?Maybe realizeI could be getting warmer??Looking for the prizeIf I turn another corner V2Direction has to change orI'll wind up where I amI feel a brand new phaseJust doing what I canThink I'll jump the tollgate To embrace my fate and ChorusTurn another corner?Lighten up my stride?Turn another corner?Maybe realizeI could be getting warmer??Looking for the prizeIf I turn another corner BridgeNot trying to hope here forSome sweet utopiaTo find perfect love the perfect job and friendsJust want the freedom toCreate my own Eden soThis tired routine, recurring dream, can end End ChorusUp around the cornerJust around the bendTurn another cornerWatch my world extendTurn another cornerNew beginning and an endTurn another corner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 15, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted February 15, 2013 (Current)Direction has to change orI'll wind up where I amI feel a brand new phaseJust doing what I canThink I'll jump the tollgate To embrace my fate and (new idea)Direction has to changeYesterday's not too soonI feel a brand new phaseI see a brand new moonI'm taking aim at a starIt's not too far... (So) Turn another corner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 15, 2013 Members Share Posted February 15, 2013 I acutally like the bolded parts of V2. For me, the confusing line is "I feel a brand new phase". When I read this: Direction has to change orI'll wind up where I amXXXXXXXXXXXXJust doing what I can It all lines up well as a cause (line 1) and effect (lines 2-4). My direction has to change or I'll forever be stuck in the same place doing the same stuff and just getting by. But when your line three throws a monkey wrench into that equation by adding a "here I go!" type statement, which seems redundant and out of place. Redundant because that is conveyed well in the final couplet (altered slightly): Think I'll jump the tollgate Embrace my new fate (and) If I were you, I'd look to tweak that 3rd line into something along the consequence vein. You know how much I hate unnecessary words, but I think you could make the repetition intentional by beginning line three with "just", as in: Direction has to change orI'll wind up where I amJust filling the same spaceJust doing what I can Obviously that isn't strong enough, but I think it gets the idea across. As for the lines in the final chorus, how about something like "This road is at it's end" as a call back to the opening statement of the song? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 15, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted February 15, 2013 Oswlek wrote: I acutally like the bolded parts of V2. For me, the confusing line is "I feel a brand new phase". When I read this: Direction has to change orI'll wind up where I am XXXXXXXXXXXXJust doing what I can It all lines up well as a cause (line 1) and effect (lines 2-4). My direction has to change or I'll forever be stuck in the same place doing the same stuff and just getting by. But when your line three throws a monkey wrench into that equation by adding a "here I go!" type statement, which seems redundant and out of place. Redundant because that is conveyed well in the final couplet (altered slightly): Think I'll jump the tollgate Embrace my new fate (and) If I were you, I'd look to tweak that 3rd line into something along the consequence vein. You know how much I hate unnecessary words, but I think you could make the repetition intentional by beginning line three with "just", as in: Direction has to change or I'll wind up where I am Just filling the same space Just doing what I can Obviously that isn't strong enough, but I think it gets the idea across. As for the lines in the final chorus, how about something like "This road is at it's end" as a call back to the opening statement of the song? That... is a HUGE help. Great call on that 3rd line. The verse felt wrong but I could finger it. I like your catch. I'm on that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted February 15, 2013 Members Share Posted February 15, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: (Current)Direction has to change orI'll wind up where I amI feel a brand new phaseJust doing what I canThink I'll jump the tollgate To embrace my fate and (new idea) Direction has to changeYesterday's not too soon I feel a brand new phaseI see a brand new moonI'm taking aim at a starIt's not too far... (So) Turn another corner The direction doesn't have to change. You want it to change... maybe you need it to change.I like 'I'll wind up where I am' but I don't think it is quite worded right. 'Where I am' implies you'll be where you currently are, but you've already established you are on a road moving forward, so really you'll wind up wherever the road you're currently on takes you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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