Better Off - with demo

[Oswlek]

 

Figured with all the lyric rewrites and the just-recorded demo, it was probably time for a thread reboot.  The third line of the chorus feels like it needs attention, both melodically and lyrically, and the transition from the interlude back to the chorus feels a little wonky (maybe a key change would sound nice there?).  Feedback on those issues, plus others would be greatly appreciated.

I'm going for a Talking Heads vibe with the music, I doubt that the acoustic will be the primary instrument when all is said and done.  The drums are a loop I recorded to with some very quick alterations.  Not remotely close to the final product.

Better Off

V1

50 million Iphones

20 billion questions

All the fingers tapping on their screens

 

At the top of the mountain

The wise man is asking

Hey Siri, where's tranquility?

 

Chorus

 

{Better off...} I'm all for progress

{Better off...} But at what cost

{Better off...} Maybe all these devices

Would be.... better off

 

V2

 

Used to be one remote

Now it's a dozen

Why is turning this TV down so damn hard?

 

London 'n' Denver

Are closer than ever (sung wrong)

Yet people on the street are worlds apart

 

Chorus

 

{Better off...} I'm all for progress

{Better off...} But at what cost

{Better off...} Maybe all these devices

Would be.... better off

[bee3]

So much easier to follow since you consolidated.  

 

I like it a lot...  would it be wrong to say "where's tranquility".  Almost implies that you're searching for it as opposed to just asking about it when you say "what's tranquility".

 

Haven't had a chance to listen yet.

[mbfrancis]

I *love* "Better Off"...so clever.  I wouldn't give it away in the second line of the chorus though, I'd wait for the end.

[Oswlek]

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bee3 wrote:

So much easier to follow since you consolidated.  

 

I like it a lot...  would it be wrong to say "where's tranquility".  Almost implies that you're searching for it as opposed to just asking about it when you say "what's tranquility".

 

Haven't had a chance to listen yet.

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Good call.  Updated! 

Martin, any ideas on what to fill that space with? 

 

I think I'm going to rise at the end of "devices" instead of falling, and that will solve that melodic problem.

[LCK]

The music is great. Very listenable.

The lyric might need a little rhythmic refit here and there. Could just be a matter of getting more comfortable with the tune?

[Oswlek]

 

Thanks guys.  If Mr Knight (or anyone, for that matter) is open to sending over a couple "better off" takes, I'd be all for it. 

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LCK wrote:

 

 

The music is great. Very listenable.

 

The lyric might need a little rhythmic refit here and there. Could just be a matter of getting more comfortable with the tune?

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The chorus, definitely.  I also got caught off guard with "London" for some reason, but didn't have time for a redo.  Anywhere else that's rubbing your ears wrong?

 

 

Listening to the chorus again, I really want a line that drops the "seeehhhss" and leaves the peak "deviiiiiiii" hanging before "would be".  Does that make any sense?  I suppose I could sing it to sustain the "iiiiiii" and barely deliver the "ces", but that feels cheap.  A rewrite is in order, but I'm struggling for good opportunities.  Per Leek's comment on the other thread, I tried something like "modern miracles/marvels" but can't get it to flow well.  If I drop the "maybe" I get a little more space, but it feels off to say it so definitely.  Am I off base on that?

[Lee Knight]

Do I hate it? No.

[Oswlek]

 

I think I'm going to switch back to "progress/cost/devices/off" in the chorus.  I know LCK and OGP didn't like it, but it just feels better to me.  I'm also going to keep "maybe" in C1, but run with "baby" in C2 and then have both in C3.

 

Only one other thing to consider.  A friend on musesmuse wasn't thrilled with "I'm all for progress" at 2:13.  Here is my response and I'm hoping to get some feedback on that specific spot on the demo.  Does it work as is?  Should I cut the restart?  Will that lyric change strengthen things up?

This one has me thinking. What I'm going for is a tame version of the chorus coming out of the solo, which is a pretty standard songwriting technique. Typically with those, you just run through it one time, either building as you go or exploding into a more grand repeat. In this case, I didn't like the feel of it running through the entire chorus going through twice, so I just went with the first line and then did a quick surge into the final chorus. I think it can work, but I agree it isn't quite hitting top speed here.

 

A big part of the problem is that I mixed that "I'm all for progress" terribly, so not only is it the first thing when the vocals reappear, it sounds totally different than every other lead vox line.

 

I'm considering two ideas.

 

1) Bringing the "oh" in at 2:10 when the guitar does the same lift and just dropping the tame chorus.

 

2) Changing the lyric on "oh" to "Are we better off?" So, it would be

 

I'm all for progress

But are we better offfffffffffffffff.......

 

[mbfrancis]

Why not "but what's the cost?"

Also "I'm all for progress" *is* a little weak - what if you said yeah at the front so it's "yeah I'm all for progress." Could do it a bunch of ways, all would give it a bit more teeth.

[Oswlek]

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mbfrancis wrote:

Why not "but what's the cost?"

Also "I'm all for progress" *is* a little weak - what if you said yeah at the front so it's "yeah I'm all for progress." Could do it a bunch of ways, all would give it a bit more teeth.

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It is?  I suck at this, that "progress" line is one of my favorites and a big reason for switching back!  I do something similar already with an "ooohhh" before it.  You really think a "yeah" takes the line from weak to worthwhile?

I chose "but at what cost" because it sings better.  Is there a big discrepancy between the those two options?

Jeezus, now I'm rethinking that chorus decision.....