Members bee3 Posted June 24, 2015 Members Share Posted June 24, 2015 Something new... just a start with a single verse and a chorus. Everything she does is the greatest thing Thought it's not part of some uppity plot And though she turns heads with every step she takes She doesn't mean to really take a lot Cause she's a natural girl Doesn't know what she's got She's not the type of girl who needs diamonds and pearls She likes picking flowers in the morning rain And when the sun is shining all is right in her world She likes dancing to relieve all her pain She doesn't know what she's got I really like that a lot http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13153132 ***Updated in post #5*** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 24, 2015 Members Share Posted June 24, 2015 Everything she does is the greatest thingThought it's not part of some uppity plotAnd though she turns heads with every step she takesShe doesn't mean to really take a lot Cause she's a natural girlDoesn't know what she's got She's not the type of girl who needs diamonds and pearlsShe likes picking flowers in the morning rainAnd when the sun is shining all is right in her worldShe likes dancing to relieve all her pain She doesn't know what she's gotI really like that a lot I really like this tune and idea a lot. It's very much in the Bee canon. There are a few lines that I think should be re-thought (in bold). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted June 24, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 24, 2015 Agree... those lines are awkward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 25, 2015 Members Share Posted June 25, 2015 Some ideas: Everything she does is the greatest thingThough if you said that she'd say that it's notAnd though she turns heads with every step she takesShe doesn't give it a second thought Cause she's a natural girlDoesn't know what she's got She's not the type of girl who needs diamonds and pearlsShe likes picking flowers in the morning rainAnd when the sun is shining all is right in her worldyet she'll go dancing in a hurricane. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 25, 2015 That's great Lee! Check it out: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13153722 Still pretty sloppy... but was messing around with it when I saw your post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted June 25, 2015 Members Share Posted June 25, 2015 That's great Lee! Check it out: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13153722 Still pretty sloppy... but was messing around with it when I saw your post. That's great Bee! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 25, 2015 Members Share Posted June 25, 2015 Hey Justin, this is really nice - love the melody and vibe, very sweet. For me the lyric falls down a bit - what are you really saying? If it's just "she's natural and doesn't know it and I love her" I think you'll have to come with some more interesting ways to say it (eg diamonds and pearls)...it's all pretty straight. You hint a more depth - "She doesn't mean to really take a lot," "she likes dancing to relieve all her pain" - but it's not really fleshed out. Hope this helps, worth finishing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted June 25, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 25, 2015 Hey Justin, this is really nice - love the melody and vibe, very sweet. For me the lyric falls down a bit - what are you really saying? If it's just "she's natural and doesn't know it and I love her" I think you'll have to come with some more interesting ways to say it (eg diamonds and pearls)...it's all pretty straight. You hint a more depth - "She doesn't mean to really take a lot," "she likes dancing to relieve all her pain" - but it's not really fleshed out. Hope this helps, worth finishing. Thanks Martin... did you happen to catch the revised version following Lee's comments (post #5). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted June 25, 2015 Members Share Posted June 25, 2015 yet she'll go dancing in a hurricane.[/i] I've thrown paper airplanes in a hurricane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 25, 2015 Members Share Posted June 25, 2015 That's great Lee! Check it out: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13153722 Still pretty sloppy... but was messing around with it when I saw your post. I like the new track. I would modify my changes a little. The extra "that" in the second line sticks out. Plus dancing in a hurricane is okay, but it could be better. Maybe "when she dances she's a hurricane...?" Everything she does is the greatest thing Though if you told her that she'd say it's not (put the emphasis on "say") And though she turns heads with every step she takes She doesn't give it a second thought Cause she's a natural girl Doesn't know what she's got She's not the type of girl who needs diamonds and pearls She likes picking flowers in the morning rain And when the sun is shining all is right in her world though she's also happy in a hurricane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 25, 2015 Members Share Posted June 25, 2015 I think Martin is right, though. To some extent. So maybe the bridge could be something like. And when she's blueshe sorta likes those feelings too.But when she's sad too longI come and sing her a song ...?[something here] But not that ^. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 25, 2015 Members Share Posted June 25, 2015 Thanks Martin... did you happen to catch the revised version following Lee's comments (post #5). Haven't listened, did you post a revised lyric? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 26, 2015 Moderators Share Posted June 26, 2015 Personally I kinda like the "awkward" phrases. It fits the unassuming character of a guy that digs a chick that doesn't know she's hot. Or if not hot, extremely cool. At least the "take a lot" hits me right. "Really" is placeholder sure. Anyway, cool tune. Cool sentiment. I dig it lots. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 1, 2015 Author Members Share Posted July 1, 2015 Couple of refinements below... and an additional (tentative) verse: Everything she does is the greatest thingIf you told her she'd say 'no it's not'And though she turns heads with every step she takesShe doesn't give it a second thought Cause she's a natural girlDoesn't know what she's got She's not the type of girl who needs diamonds and pearlsShe likes picking flowers in the morning rain (would pouring rain work better?)And when the sun is shining all is right in her worldBut she'd be happy in a hurricane She doesn't know what she's gotAnd I like that a lot Doesn't take life too seriouslyShe likes to smoke a little potA glass of wine with simple cuisineShe likes beer to wash down a shot Yeah she's a natural girlDoesn't know what she's got Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 2, 2015 Members Share Posted July 2, 2015 For the second line of the third verse I'd probably soften that a little, maybe: "sometimes she'll smoke a little pot..." Other than that, I think it's very good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 2, 2015 Members Share Posted July 2, 2015 I'm with Lee, the awkward and more distinct phrases are what will set this apart. And you need to set it apart, there are a ton of good songs on this this theme, not least this one: [video=youtube;QJO3ROT-A4E] So that in mind, I'll nitpick...v1 doesn't do much for me, first line is meh, you need something meatier than 'greatest thing' I think. Feels like the weight/balance of verse 2 and 3 is off. v2 has good stuff but is confusing to me...three lines about weather, who picks flowers in the rain (line feels synthetic), 3rd line conflicts w/ the whole theme of the song. v3 is vivid, and says something, but makes her seem like a drunk/druggie, maybe one alcohol line and one pot line and then something that says she's also happy sober, it doesn't matter, because she's a natural girl, right. Probably nitpicking, in which case disregard everything above lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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