Members bee3 Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 Is it still February? Phew... Here is the first version with the full arrangement and instrumentation. I've taken some lyrical suggestions and ignored some... or maybe forgot some... Would appreciate your thoughts. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11473801 Blue Melody So, they figured you out Did they get you to break your solemn vow? Sing, alone in your room Did they get you to sing a lonesome tune? All your melodies colored blue Here in your room Are they part of your inspiration? Even though you sing them in tune With an indigo hue They didn't meet their blue expectations of you You know you're not very well Did they get you to sell your deepest secrets? Your soul, is that for sale too? Did they say you could buy it back later if you wanted to? All your melodies colored blue Here in your room Are they part of your inspiration? Even though you sing them in tune? With an indigo hue They didn't meet their blue expectations I get this feeling, I can't believe it Makes me want to run and hide You get this feeling, turn it into melody Sing it to me and I'll see you on the other side Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 Nice tune. There are still a couple of problems with the lyric. The rhyme scheme of the 2nd verse is great. I think you should use it for the 1st verse as well. You know you're not very wellDid they get you to sell your deepest secrets?Your soul, is that for sale too?Did they say you could buy it back later if you wanted to? That would potentially solve the problem of the seemingly meaningless line about the solemn vow. So, they figured you outDoes it make you wanna shout now, or just let it be? Something along those lines, maybe? Also, each time you sing the word melody or melodies it doesn't seem to fit the rhythm of the tune. The same goes for "run and hide." It sounds a bit awkward, like it's not fitting nicely into the bed of the tune. And finally, I think you need to re-think the repetition of tune and room. Give the listener another angle on this guy's story instead of just reiterating what's already been said. As usual, though, just a perfectly amazing tune. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 Has a "Coffee" feel, is that just me? Love the way you sing "Your soul, is that for sale too?" As is always the case, no matter how indifferent I am towards your lyrics, I'm drawn in nonetheless. I do have to admit that this song didn't thrill me as much as you usually do, but I can't put my finger on the problem. I'll give it a whirl in a little while and see if something jumps out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted February 27, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 Has a "Coffee" feel, is that just me?Love the way you sing "Your soul, is that for sale too?"As is always the case, no matter how indifferent I am towards your lyrics, I'm drawn in nonetheless. I do have to admit that this song didn't thrill me as much as you usually do, but I can't put my finger on the problem. I'll give it a whirl in a little while and see if something jumps out. Yes, the chord progression is similar to Coffee... I actually had strummed acoustic initially and I removed it because it was sounding too similar. Coffee - C/G/Am/FBlue Melody - C/E/Am/G/F Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted February 27, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 Nice tune. There are still a couple of problems with the lyric. The rhyme scheme of the 2nd verse is great. I think you should use it for the 1st verse as well. You know you're not very well Did they get you to sell your deepest secrets? Your soul, is that for sale too? Did they say you could buy it back later if you wanted to? That would potentially solve the problem of the seemingly meaningless line about the solemn vow. So, they figured you out Does it make you wanna shout now, or just let it be? Something along those lines, maybe? Also, each time you sing the word melody or melodies it doesn't seem to fit the rhythm of the tune. The same goes for "run and hide." It sounds a bit awkward, like it's not fitting nicely into the bed of the tune. And finally, I think you need to re-think the repetition of tune and room. Give the listener another angle on this guy's story instead of just reiterating what's already been said. As usual, though, just a perfectly amazing tune. LCK I really like the feel of the 'run and hide' part and the 'turn it into melody' part. I keep thinking about this solemn vow thing... the problem I have is that I like how the melody differs a bit between the two verses. I'm not opposed to changing that line, but I think I want to have it sound different than the second verse... keeps it interesting (I think). I'll give the 'tune and room' suggestion some thought... see if I can spin the story a bit with some different lyrics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 Ahhh man just having a quick listen - will come back later for more words BUT your voice is so so cool on this...best ive heard it by miles and ive always loved it very cool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 Lee is right about "run and hide". That line is calling for those three words to be stretched out a little more, with an upward climb to the melody. ruunnnnnn and hiiiiiiiiidddeee It might force you to review the rhyme scheme, but a simple change that might solve the "tune" issue is Even though you sing them in key? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 Ive had to quickly come back with a brain wave So, they figured you outDid they get you to DOUBT your solemn vow? I tink this works really well? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted February 27, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 Lee is right about "run and hide". That line is calling for those three words to be stretched out a little more, with an upward climb to the melody.It might force you to review the rhyme scheme, but a simple change that might solve the "tune" issue is NOOOO!!!! I love the Run and Hide part! :-) (OK, I'll give it a think). Is the issue that tune and room doesn't rhyme exactly? Or is it that I'm just using too many rhymes with the ooohhh sound? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 I really like the feel of the 'run and hide' part and the 'turn it into melody' part. I keep thinking about this solemn vow thing... the problem I have is that I like how the melody differs a bit between the two verses. I'm not opposed to changing that line, but I think I want to have it sound different than the second verse... keeps it interesting (I think). I'll give the 'tune and room' suggestion some thought... see if I can spin the story a bit with some different lyrics. I think it's more important to provide variation in the lyric than in the structure of the verses. It would be one thing if the verses were completely different, structurally. But my two main points were that a) the 1st two lines of the 1st verse (mainly the second line) are vague and b) they don't have the punch of the structure you've got in the 2nd verse. The 1st verse sounds a bit vague and formless while the 2nd verse is spot on. As for "run and hide," I listened to the song again, and I can see why you like it. I still think the prosody seems a bit strange, plus its a cliched phrase. But it's terribly off-putting. But your stresses/prosody on the word melody are simply off. Say this out loud: "I was working on the melody." The stress goes like this: mel - o - dy. That's the rhythm that falls off the tongue, most easily and most naturally. What you're singing is mel - o - dies. It's just plain awkward. One final comment, you've done a terrific job on the production, the vocals, the bass, organ, guitar, drum tracks. And I understand that for some of us, that's where the joy of this process comes in, when you hear all the various parts come together. But this is a songwriting forum. Why spend all that time on production when you haven't actually finished writing the song? That's your first job. The way it is now, I probably wouldn't listen to this song again outside of this forum. Meanwhile, I'd happily listen to "Coffee" and some of your other tunes over and over. Anyway, that's how I see it, LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 NOOOO!!!! I love the Run and Hide part! :-) (OK, I'll give it a think).Is the issue that tune and room doesn't rhyme exactly? Or is it that I'm just using too many rhymes with the ooohhh sound? FTR, it doesn't bother me at all, but I think Lee is just looking for some variety, not perfect rhymes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted February 27, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 Ive had to quickly come back with a brain wave So, they figured you out Did they get you to DOUBT your solemn vow? I tink this works really well? The doubt part works... I think Lee has issue with the fact that the 'solemn vow' doesn't really mean anything (which I admitted, unfortunately). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 I think it's more important to provide variation in the lyric than in the structure of the verses. It would be one thing if the verses were completely different, structurally. But my two main points were that the 1st two lines of the 1st verse (mainly the second line) are vague and don't have the punch of the structure you've got in the 2nd verse. As for "run and hide," I listened to the song again, and I can see why you like it. I still think the prosody seems a bit strange, plus its a cliched phrase. But your stresses/prosody on the word melody are simply off. Say this out loud: "I was working on the melody." The stress goes like this: mel - o - dy. That's the rhythm that falls off the tongue, most easily and most naturally. What you're singing is mel - o - dies. It's just plain awkward. One final comment, you've done a terrific job on the production, the vocals, the bass, organ, guitar, drum tracks. And I understand that for some of us, that's where the joy of this process comes in, when you hear all the various parts come together. But this is a songwriting forum. Why spend all that time on production when you haven't actually finished writing the song? That's your first job. Anyway, that's how I see it, LCK It sounds more to me like each syllable on melodies is given equal treatment. Doesn't bother me in the least. When all you are debating is an easy to punch-in line or two, I think it is OK to delve further into the process. Sometimes those lines are the last things to come, so why not get started on the rest? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted February 27, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 I think it's more important to provide variation in the lyric than in the structure of the verses. It would be one thing if the verses were completely different, structurally. But my two main points were that the 1st two lines of the 1st verse (mainly the second line) are vague and don't have the punch of the structure you've got in the 2nd verse. As for "run and hide," I listened to the song again, and I can see why you like it. I still think the prosody seems a bit strange, plus its a cliched phrase. But your stresses/prosody on the word melody are simply off. Say this out loud: "I was working on the melody." The stress goes like this: mel - o - dy. That's the rhythm that falls off the tongue, most easily and most naturally. What you're singing is mel - o - dies. It's just plain awkward. One final comment, you've done a terrific job on the production, the vocals, the bass, organ, guitar, drum tracks. And I understand that for some of us, that's where the joy of this process comes in, when you hear all the various parts come together. But this is a songwriting forum. Why spend all that time on production when you haven't actually finished writing the song? That's your first job. Anyway, that's how I see it, LCK Thanks LCK... I really value your input (and that's why I'm here... because lyrics are a huge challenge for me). But I just re-listened again to the end 'melody' part... and I still really like it. I'm going to listen to it about a 1000 more times today and see if that changes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 The doubt part works... I think Lee has issue with the fact that the 'solemn vow' doesn't really mean anything (which I admitted, unfortunately). It means something to me. I don't think it is any less vague than "deepest secrets". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted February 27, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 But this is a songwriting forum. Why spend all that time on production when you haven't actually finished writing the song? That's your first job.-LCK That is sig worthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted February 27, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 Incidentally, credit goes to my brother for the Beach Boys bass lines... he's been lurking here but has yet to present himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 NOOOO!!!! I love the Run and Hide part! :-) (OK, I'll give it a think).Is the issue that tune and room doesn't rhyme exactly? Or is it that I'm just using too many rhymes with the ooohhh sound? No, they're close enough for this kind of song. The problem is you're using the same two words in the 1st verse. When we get to the chorus we want to feel that we're getting something new. You didn't give it to us, you repeated yourself, and not in a good way. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 No, they're close enough for this kind of song. The problem is you're using the same two words in the 1st verse. When we get to the chorus we want to feel that we're getting something new. You didn't give it to us, you repeated yourself, and not in a good way.LCK It is a tad repetitive. And then, you go on to essentially restate the first verse again in the second. Still good enough to hold on until you hit the solo and there is no letting go from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted February 27, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 OK... a different slant. Blue Melody So, I've figured you outDid I get you to doubt yourself somehow?Sing, alone in your roomDid I get you to sing a lonesome tune? All your melodies colored blueDirected at meAm I part of your inspiration?Maybe what you sing isn't trueWords, they don't need to beTo meet my blue expectations of you You know you're not very wellCan I get you to sell your deepest secrets?Your soul, is that for sale too?I think you can buy it back later if you wanted to All your melodies colored blueDirected at meAm I part of your inspiration?Maybe what you sing isn't trueWords, they don't need to beTo meet my blue expectations of you I get this feeling, I can't believe itBreaks my heart and kills my prideYou get this feeling, turn it into melodySing it to me and I'll see you on the other side Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 I prefered it the other way, personally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 Incidentally, credit goes to my brother for the Beach Boys bass lines... Go, Bro. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 OK... a different slant.Blue MelodySo, I've figured you outDid I get you to doubt yourself somehow?Sing, alone in your roomDid I get you to sing a lonesome tune?All your melodies colored blueDirected at meAm I part of your inspiration?Maybe what you sing isn't trueWords, they don't need to beTo meet my blue expectations of youYou know you're not very wellCan I get you to sell your deepest secrets?Your soul, is that for sale too?I think you can buy it back later if you wanted toAll your melodies colored blueDirected at meAm I part of your inspiration?Maybe what you sing isn't trueWords, they don't need to beTo meet my blue expectations of youI get this feeling, I can't believe itBreaks my heart and kills my prideYou get this feeling, turn it into melodySing it to me and I'll see you on the other side I like this direction. I think it pulls the listener in to the story much better. Still needs work, but I like the personal angle. So as per usual, don't listen to Justin. (Sorry, I couldn't resist...) But seriously, I think Justin's response is valid. But what I'm looking for, the thing that would make me want to listen to the song again, is that there has to be an emotional connection to the story, people have to identify with and care about the characters. The new version is moving in that direction. As for your new signature, there's some merit to what I said, but there's also merit to the idea that working on the production side of things can inspire new ideas and new directions for the tune and the lyric. So it's not as cut and dried as I made it sound. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted February 27, 2012 Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 The music is freakin great. Go ahead and keep working out the lyric stuff, but the music is THERE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted February 27, 2012 Author Members Share Posted February 27, 2012 The music is freakin great.Go ahead and keep working out the lyric stuff, but the music is THERE! Thanks Ram. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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