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Safety Net - A Dance Track in 5/4 (Lyrical Critique for now)

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  • Safety Net - A Dance Track in 5/4 (Lyrical Critique for now)

    Sorry about the terrible vocal editing, this will be rerecorded with a solid vocal take (I was rather under the weather when I recorded.) If you guys could poke holes, that'd be swell. 

     ***WARNING: SWEAR WORD***

    https://soundcloud.com/thomas-mason-1/safetynetroughdemo2

     

    Lyrics:

    (no nono)My safety net is there, but the landing point may change
    'cause it's gone wrong once before, lord. So why would I ever fall for you again?
    look I love you, you're my safety net. But you've done me wrong. 
    Honey, why would I take the plunge when you may be, oh you may be (gone)
    -Verse 1-
    and although my head head keeps speaking
    Say no and stop stop these feelings.
    I miss you sometimes, you're plaquing my mind.
    Somehow you stop me leaving 
    -Bridge-
    Gone. Gotta go down, I gotta jump, but then I gotta land, al-
    -though, I don't know what I want, I still wanna hold your hand. Oh
    Good god I'm thrown now, I didn't jump, this isn't what I planned, but 
    no, you don't know, you don't understand (and although/ I know - and you're) 
    (chorus)
    (bridge)
    -Verse 2-
    and I know my heart's heart's decieving
    Say no and stop stop these feelings.
    I've made up my mind, but time after time
    Somehow you stop me leaving
    -Middle- 
    so I've come to help us all forget all the things we did wrong.
    now I look down and I am stunned, my safety net, no nono
    -Last Chorus-
    My safety net's not there. And I really thought you'd change.
    but it's gone wrong loads before, lord. Goodbye, now I'll never bother you again.
    Look right, **bleep** you, 'cause I won't forget that you did me wrong. 
    'cause I died when I took the plunge, my safe-ty net, oh my net was

    <div class="signaturecontainer"><i><font face="Arial Black"><div align="center"><font size="3">I'm a sharpened flat - I'm a natural. </font></div></font></i><br />
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    <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>bloodxandxrank</strong>

    </div>
    <div class="message">... If all else fails make the guitarist do it.....</div>

    </div>
    </div>
    </div> ^On the matter of learning harsh vocals.^<br />
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    <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>wrongnote85</strong>
    <a href="showthread.php?p=45561274#post45561274" rel="nofollow"><img class="inlineimg" src="images/buttons/viewpost-right.png" alt="View Post" /></a>
    </div>
    <div class="message">They wont go away, they'll just start making dubstep.</div>

    </div>
    </div>
    </div> ^On whether the '-core' bands will ever go away^</div>

  • #2
    I think it is great.
    <div class="signaturecontainer">Stream my album <br />
    <a href="http://ryanharrisandco.bandcamp.com/album/cheers-to-the-wind" target="_blank">Cheers to the Wind</a><br />
    <br />
    Another song<br />
    <a href="http://ryanharris.bandcamp.com/track/keep-to-the-right" target="_blank">For fans of bicycles, acoustic, and pedal steel guitars</a><br />
    <br />
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    <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>Lee Knight</strong>
    <a href="showthread.php?p=46791349#post46791349" rel="nofollow"><img class="inlineimg" src="images/buttons/viewpost-right.png" alt="View Post" /></a>
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    <div class="message">The poet wistfully pontificates. The troubador says it in tears and a thrust of the groin.</div>

    </div>
    </div>
    </div> </div>

    Comment


    • #3
      "slut" is a pretty loaded term. Need to hear it in context to know if that is going to throw things off-balance.
      Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Facebook Tumblr

      Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

      -Coco Chanel

      Comment


      • #4






        Quote Originally Posted by rsadasiv
        View Post

        "slut" is a pretty loaded term. Need to hear it in context to know if that is going to throw things off-balance.




        I'm kinda getting what you're saying but I think you might have to elaborate.



        I could alter it and also make it more symmetrical/repetitive by making it:



        And though you're so deceiving -

        yes, weakness comes from feeling -

        I've made up my mind;

        Yes, time after time

        I see no sense in leaving.



        It does change the meaning of the verse somewhat but it works. I do worry that it makes it a tad less passionate without the emotional dynamics put forward in Verse 2.



        Edit:



        I'm also pretty concerned about the outright 'gayness' of it. The idea was to write something 'poppy' that most people enjoy whilst spraying it with hefty amounts of 'credibility'. I worry that the subject matter might be overly... 'gay'... and alienate the people who would appreciate the musical novelty.















        Quote Originally Posted by rhino55
        View Post

        I think it is great.




        Thank you very much
        <div class="signaturecontainer"><i><font face="Arial Black"><div align="center"><font size="3">I'm a sharpened flat - I'm a natural. </font></div></font></i><br />
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        <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>bloodxandxrank</strong>

        </div>
        <div class="message">... If all else fails make the guitarist do it.....</div>

        </div>
        </div>
        </div> ^On the matter of learning harsh vocals.^<br />
        <br />
        <br />
        <div class="bbcode_container">
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        <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>wrongnote85</strong>
        <a href="showthread.php?p=45561274#post45561274" rel="nofollow"><img class="inlineimg" src="images/buttons/viewpost-right.png" alt="View Post" /></a>
        </div>
        <div class="message">They wont go away, they'll just start making dubstep.</div>

        </div>
        </div>
        </div> ^On whether the '-core' bands will ever go away^</div>

        Comment


        • #5
          All things being equal, the line with "slut" in it is going to draw a lot of attention. I'm not against using the term, just you have to be careful that where you have put it deserves the attention that it will attract. But in a full performance not all things are equal - if the lyric is buried in the arrangement or not emphasized in the vocal phrasing it may be less of an issue.
          Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Facebook Tumblr

          Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

          -Coco Chanel

          Comment


          • #6
            Slut doesn't relate to what we know of this situation up to that point except from the one time you say it. So... for me, it doesn't describe this person who keeps moving when they're supposed to be there to catch you. So using slut makes me goes... what did I miss? But not in a good way. You changed the rules mid-story. Sort of like finding out "it was all a dream" at the end of the movie. You need to call this person something that fits the context.



            You're a liar, you're so deceiving

            Yes, weakness comes from feeling





            A moving target is so deceiving

            Yes, weakness comes from feeling





            And when you say...



            I'm also pretty concerned about the outright 'gayness' of it. The idea was to write something 'poppy' that most people enjoy whilst spraying it with hefty amounts of 'credibility'. I worry that the subject matter might be overly... 'gay'... and alienate the people who would appreciate the musical novelty.



            Are you using the term gay as in twee or meaning homosexual. I'm not getting a gay vibe at all. You mean twee? Not twee either. I think this is cool. Slut just sticks out funny.
            ___

            Comment


            • #7
              Slut didn't work for me, but in all fairness, I'm not sure I could ever come up with a reason to use that in song. It's just like "****************". I'm all for swearing in every day speech, but when I hear it sung it always gives me an unpleasant, cheap feeling. As if they were too lazy to really find the right way to say it.



              Not saying you were/are being lazy. Just passing along the impression those types of words give me.
              Don't listen to Justin.
              LCK - 2/21/2012

              Comment


              • #8
                Well, when I say 'gay' I'm thinking in the way a teenage lad would perceive it. Twee isn't quite what I mean. Melodically and lyrically speaking, it would probably only appeal to girls and maybe sensitive blokes. I mean 'gay' in the same way that Justin Bieber's music is 'gay' - which is really 'gay'.

                -

                The song was partially inspired by a girl I was with at the time who I was having difficulty trusting as we'd had difficulties after she'd moved to another country and become a stripper. When she came back and we got back together, I was reluctant to really 'hand myself over'. It's not specifically about that but it's where the subject matter came from in my heart. I actually wrote this a couple of months ago - before her and I broke up.

                -

                In my eyes, the fact that people swear or use vulgar language in every day conversation is reason to put it in a song. When I'm angry, I swear; when I write an angry song, I'll swear. The market appeal/memorability of it is what I consider when putting it in. It could be regarded as a bit cheap, but I think it's even cheaper to use a melisma on woah/yeah/oh or a phrase on yeah/da/doo/la. Actually, the inane repetition of what tends to make 'good' songs 'good' is pretty cheap. I don't think a successful songwriter should be worrying about integrity in such a way.



                But yeah, if no one thinks 'slut' is working I'll probably change it. When I read it, I get it, but I know exactly what I'm on about. If it doesn't make sense to others, I'll have to alter it. I'll have to think about what I'm going to change it to.
                <div class="signaturecontainer"><i><font face="Arial Black"><div align="center"><font size="3">I'm a sharpened flat - I'm a natural. </font></div></font></i><br />
                <br />
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                <div class="bbcode_postedby">
                <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>bloodxandxrank</strong>

                </div>
                <div class="message">... If all else fails make the guitarist do it.....</div>

                </div>
                </div>
                </div> ^On the matter of learning harsh vocals.^<br />
                <br />
                <br />
                <div class="bbcode_container">
                <div class="bbcode_quote">
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                <div class="bbcode_postedby">
                <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>wrongnote85</strong>
                <a href="showthread.php?p=45561274#post45561274" rel="nofollow"><img class="inlineimg" src="images/buttons/viewpost-right.png" alt="View Post" /></a>
                </div>
                <div class="message">They wont go away, they'll just start making dubstep.</div>

                </div>
                </div>
                </div> ^On whether the '-core' bands will ever go away^</div>

                Comment


                • #9






                  Quote Originally Posted by LordBTY
                  View Post

                  Well, when I say 'gay' I'm thinking in the way a teenage lad would perceive it. Twee isn't quite what I mean. Melodically and lyrically speaking, it would probably only appeal to girls and maybe sensitive blokes. I mean 'gay' in the same way that Justin Bieber's music is 'gay' - which is really 'gay'.

                  -

                  The song was partially inspired by a girl I was with at the time who I was having difficulty trusting as we'd had difficulties after she'd moved to another country and become a stripper. When she came back and we got back together, I was reluctant to really 'hand myself over'. It's not specifically about that but it's where the subject matter came from in my heart. I actually wrote this a couple of months ago - before her and I broke up.

                  -

                  In my eyes, the fact that people swear or use vulgar language in every day conversation is reason to put it in a song. When I'm angry, I swear; when I write an angry song, I'll swear. The market appeal/memorability of it is what I consider when putting it in. It could be regarded as a bit cheap, but I think it's even cheaper to use a melisma on woah/yeah/oh or a phrase on yeah/da/doo/la. Actually, the inane repetition of what tends to make 'good' songs 'good' is pretty cheap. I don't think a successful songwriter should be worrying about integrity in such a way.



                  But yeah, if no one thinks 'slut' is working I'll probably change it. When I read it, I get it, but I know exactly what I'm on about. If it doesn't make sense to others, I'll have to alter it. I'll have to think about what I'm going to change it to.




                  Ah! Got the gay reference.



                  So the girl you're talking about is a slut. Go for it, use the word. I'm certainly not suggesting you shouldn't. Sounds like a descriptive term for her if you choose. I am suggesting, though, you shouldn't use the word popcorn. Because you haven't talked about snacks at all in this song. Wait, actually you haven't talked about sluts either.



                  It comes out of left field with absolutely no setup or explanation. Your backstory above explains it great and I could get behind a song that used the word slut in that context. But currently, that isn't the context of your song. It may be in the one you're hearing in your head, but not the one you've written here.
                  ___

                  Comment


                  • #10






                    Quote Originally Posted by Lee Knight
                    View Post

                    Ah! Got the gay reference.



                    So the girl you're talking about is a slut. Go for it, use the word. I'm certainly not suggesting you shouldn't. Sounds like a descriptive term for her if you choose. I am suggesting, though, you shouldn't use the word popcorn. Because you haven't talked about snacks at all in this song. Wait, actually you haven't talked about sluts either.



                    It comes out of left field with absolutely no setup or explanation. Your backstory above explains it great and I could get behind a song that used the word slut in that context. But currently, that isn't the context of your song. It may be in the one you're hearing in your head, but not the one you've written here.




                    Yeah, this is why I like to post lyrics first. I will definitely change it as it's not making sense to anyone.



                    Edit:



                    My friend has already described it as 'gay' and I felt it was a tad 'gay' - mostly due to how I recorded some of it at first. It was probably mostly down to the vocal delivery.
                    <div class="signaturecontainer"><i><font face="Arial Black"><div align="center"><font size="3">I'm a sharpened flat - I'm a natural. </font></div></font></i><br />
                    <br />
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                    <div class="bbcode_postedby">
                    <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>bloodxandxrank</strong>

                    </div>
                    <div class="message">... If all else fails make the guitarist do it.....</div>

                    </div>
                    </div>
                    </div> ^On the matter of learning harsh vocals.^<br />
                    <br />
                    <br />
                    <div class="bbcode_container">
                    <div class="bbcode_quote">
                    <div class="quote_container">
                    <div class="bbcode_quote_container"></div>

                    <div class="bbcode_postedby">
                    <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>wrongnote85</strong>
                    <a href="showthread.php?p=45561274#post45561274" rel="nofollow"><img class="inlineimg" src="images/buttons/viewpost-right.png" alt="View Post" /></a>
                    </div>
                    <div class="message">They wont go away, they'll just start making dubstep.</div>

                    </div>
                    </div>
                    </div> ^On whether the '-core' bands will ever go away^</div>

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      BTW... we differentiate that as ghey. My gay friends don't like ghey music but they love gay music. So... they might dig Scissor Sisters or Mika but not the Beeb. So to speak.
                      ___

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        We used to like to go out dancing

                        But then you left me to go back to the pole

                        And when you started moonlighting at that job

                        ...
                        Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Facebook Tumblr

                        Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

                        -Coco Chanel

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I'll just echo what others have said. The structure and lyrics are good and fit with the theme, but 'slut' does seem to interrupt the flow.



                          I was thinking something like:



                          You swore; you're so deceiving.

                          Yes, weakness comes from feeling.

                          I've made up my mind

                          but time after time

                          I see no sense in leaving.



                          Just a thought. It's your song so do with it what you will.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            that's good ^
                            ___

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I totally agree with you guys - I'll alter it when I feel a surge of inspiration. Thanks, everyone
                              <div class="signaturecontainer"><i><font face="Arial Black"><div align="center"><font size="3">I'm a sharpened flat - I'm a natural. </font></div></font></i><br />
                              <br />
                              <div class="bbcode_container">
                              <div class="bbcode_quote">
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                              <div class="bbcode_quote_container"></div>

                              <div class="bbcode_postedby">
                              <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>bloodxandxrank</strong>

                              </div>
                              <div class="message">... If all else fails make the guitarist do it.....</div>

                              </div>
                              </div>
                              </div> ^On the matter of learning harsh vocals.^<br />
                              <br />
                              <br />
                              <div class="bbcode_container">
                              <div class="bbcode_quote">
                              <div class="quote_container">
                              <div class="bbcode_quote_container"></div>

                              <div class="bbcode_postedby">
                              <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>wrongnote85</strong>
                              <a href="showthread.php?p=45561274#post45561274" rel="nofollow"><img class="inlineimg" src="images/buttons/viewpost-right.png" alt="View Post" /></a>
                              </div>
                              <div class="message">They wont go away, they'll just start making dubstep.</div>

                              </div>
                              </div>
                              </div> ^On whether the '-core' bands will ever go away^</div>

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