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  • Dead in Here - New updated recording and vid

    Edit:  I posted a vid with a better recording with a touch of mixing (delay, reverb)

     

     

     

    OK, here you go, have at it.  I'm not sure if there is anything really here, but it was fun and I find it strangely compelling for something with no obvious hook.

     

    http://picosong.com/nyxi

    --------------------------------------

    It's dead... dead in here

    It's dead.... dead in here

     

    This used to be a place of hope

    Where inspiration flowed

    It used to be.....

    But now I see

     

    It's dead in here

    It's dead... dead in here

     

    Scattered papers in the dust

    Old footprints are all that's left of us

    The curtain's drawn....

    Our haven's gone

     

    It's dead...  dead in here

    ----------------------------------------------

     

    On another thread, Blue misread "haven" as "raven" and I'm seriously considering changing it.  I'm also nearly certain I'm misuing the curtain imagery, any ideas to correct?  All other suggestions are welcome, of course.  Encouraged, even (cue Snagglepuss...)

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

  • #2

    Oswlek wrote:

    It's dead... dead in here
    It's dead.... dead in here
     
    This used to be a place of hope
    Where inspiration flowed
    It used to be.....
    But now I see
     
    It's dead in here
    It's dead... dead in here
     
    Scattered papers in the dust
    Old footprints are all that's left of us
    The curtain's drawn....
    Our haven's gone
     
    It's dead...  dead in here

    Very nice. Great guitar work, really nice melody. The lyric is really good too.

    I only felt there was one section (in bold) that I felt needed a little more work, but I don't know if you'll agree.

    "I write from a different place. I do not even know what it is called, or if it has a name. It just comes and I sculpt it. But it is also a lot of hard work." —Van Morrison

    Comment


    • Lee Knight
      Lee Knight commented
      Editing a comment

      I love it as is. Really, really cool. Pretty freaking depressing...  but honest and true. And if it's honest, and it is... well, so be it. Really very well done.


    • Oswlek
      Oswlek commented
      Editing a comment

      LCK wrote:

      Oswlek wrote:

      It's dead... dead in here
      It's dead.... dead in here
       
      This used to be a place of hope
      Where inspiration flowed
      It used to be.....
      But now I see
       
      It's dead in here
      It's dead... dead in here
       
      Scattered papers in the dust
      Old footprints are all that's left of us
      The curtain's drawn....
      Our haven's gone
       
      It's dead...  dead in here

      Very nice. Great guitar work, really nice melody. The lyric is really good too.

      I only felt there was one section (in bold) that I felt needed a little more work, but I don't know if you'll agree.


      Thanks, Lee.

       

      I'm not attached to anything if you have some ideas.  What is it about the lines that you don't like?  The off-kilter rhyme?  Too bland?


  • #3

    Oswlek wrote:

    It's dead... dead in here
    It's dead.... dead in here
     
    This used to be the place to meet
    Where inspiration flowed
    It used to be.....
    But now I see

    Just a tiny suggestion.

    "I write from a different place. I do not even know what it is called, or if it has a name. It just comes and I sculpt it. But it is also a lot of hard work." —Van Morrison

    Comment


    • #4

      A couple of tiny rough spots, performance-wise, but, overall, very neat, very dreamy. 


       


      And, though this isn't the video forum (there is one wink.gif&nbsp, I have to say I really love the look of that vid. 


      It has its cake and eats it, too, in terms of being both cool looking and unpretentious.


       


      (It is unnerving that the camera seems to move from time to time, but only from the point of view of someone trying to figure out why it's moving. That doesn't really interfere with the vibe at all. But for ob-com types like myself, the need to know can be overwhelming. = D )

      Attached Files


      music and social stuff

      Comment


      • Oswlek
        Oswlek commented
        Editing a comment

        blue2blue wrote:

        A couple of tiny rough spots, performance-wise, but, overall, very neat, very dreamy. 

         

        And, though this isn't the video forum (there is one wink.gif&nbsp, I have to say I really love the look of that vid. 

        It has its cake and eats it, too, in terms of being both cool looking and unpretentious.

         

        (It is unnerving that the camera seems to move from time to time, but only from the point of view of someone trying to figure out why it's moving. That doesn't really interfere with the vibe at all. But for ob-com types like myself, the need to know can be overwhelming. = D )


        Thanks, Blue.  So there are only a couple of rough spots?  Damn!  I've come a long way!  Live takes used to be one giant rough spot. 

         

        Regarding the moving vid, apparently I turned on the motion sensor on the camera, so it reacts if I stray too far from center.  I wish it had some deeper meaning, but that is all there is to it.  " id="smiley" src="https://guitarcenter.i.lithium.com/i/smilies/16x16\_smiley-.png" alt=":smiley:" title="Smiley Very Happy" />

        Attached Files

    • #5

      Quite beautiful, as expected.


      I know this is result of a song challenge. But it has the making of a good song - not neccersarily with these lyrics per say. Add a hook, and a compelling heartfelt story and it will work quite nicely.

       

       

      "Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes"

      Comment


      • Oswlek
        Oswlek commented
        Editing a comment

        rickidoo wrote:

        Quite beautiful, as expected.


        I know this is result of a song challenge. But it has the making of a good song - not neccersarily with these lyrics per say. Add a hook, and a compelling heartfelt story and it will work quite nicely.

         

         


        Ha!  This reminds me of a joke my buddy and I used to saying to one another...

         

        "It would be a good song if you just change the melody a little, maybe tweaked the lyrics here and there, got a new singer and switched up the guitar in certain places...." 

         

        I know what you mean, Rick, but I think this I'm content with this one at the moment.  I am still running through ideas for the first two lines, but the structure of the tune isn't going to change, despite the lack of a true hook or normal layout.



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