Members bee3 Posted January 3, 2013 Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 Here's a new one... just the start of it. Not sure where it's going yet... it's a half-baked idea at this point.http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12087268 Beauty Crown She refused the beauty crown Dropped her flowers, ripped her gown Left alone and then she headed into town She feels better with a drink Helps her when she doesn't think It's so tragic that her life is on the brink Her father never loved her, nor did her mother In fact they never really cared for one another So their little girl is the one who has to suffer And find her way alone in the world Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted January 3, 2013 Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 great start Some questions to help you hone in the story Why was she in the pageant if she was just going to refuse the beauty crown? Did something maybe happen along the way that made her change her mind? Are you sure her mother and father never loved her or did she just not feel it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 In my head, I was thinking it was more of a homecoming queen kind of thing... she didn't really have a choice. May have to adjust that. Unsure of the mother/father love thing yet. How can a mother and father not love their kid? Maybe I'll go with her not feeling it... I have to believe there is some humanity left in this world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 3, 2013 Moderators Share Posted January 3, 2013 Love It ^^^^^^^^^^^^ She refused to take the news sitting down Till, in tears, her knees fell to the ground Sometimes life passes without a sound There was no use trying to talk her down Nothing to cling to... not even... a Beauty Crown Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 ^Nice ideas there LK. Keep em coming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted January 3, 2013 Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 What does it mean when the homecoming queen can only think of when she can leave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 Originally Posted by rhino55 What does it mean when the homecoming queen can only think of when she can leave That's pretty awkwardly worded! I'm not sure what you mean if you're directing it to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted January 3, 2013 Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 Originally Posted by bee3 That's pretty awkwardly worded! I'm not sure what you mean if you're directing it to me. lol... nope. There is a lyric in here somewhere.As she left she screamed you tell me what it means when the homecoming queen's only hope is to leave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 4, 2013 Moderators Share Posted January 4, 2013 Originally Posted by rhino55 lol... nope. There is a lyric in here somewhere.As she left she screamed you tell me what it means when the homecoming queen's only hope is to leave I "saw" the idea you posted. Nice "test" execution as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 4, 2013 Members Share Posted January 4, 2013 Originally Posted by bee3 Here's a new one... just the start of it. Not sure where it's going yet... it's a half-baked idea at this point.http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12087268Beauty CrownShe refused the beauty crownDropped her flowers, ripped her gownLeft alone and then she headed into townShe feels better with a drinkHelps her when she doesn't thinkIt's so tragic that her life is on the brinkHer father never loved her, nor did her motherIn fact they never really cared for one anotherSo their little girl is the one who has to sufferAnd find her way alone in the world I really like this song so far. The verses could use a little touching up, not much more. I'm not crazy about "her life is on the brink." I was thinking maybe...She refused the beauty crownDropped the flowers, ripped her gownLeft the stage and hit the nearest bar in townShe feels better when she drinksHelps her cope, or so she thinksIf you asked her she would tell you that life stinksHer father never loved her, nor did her motherIn fact they never really cared for one anotherLeft without a buffer she's the one who has to sufferAnd find her way alone in the worldJust some ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 4, 2013 Originally Posted by LCK I really like this song so far. The verses could use a little touching up, not much more. I'm not crazy about "her life is on the brink." I was thinking maybe...She refused the beauty crownDropped the flowers, ripped her gownLeft the stage and hit the nearest bar in townShe feels better when she drinksHelps her cope, or so she thinksIf you asked her she would tell you that life stinksHer father never loved her, nor did her motherIn fact they never really cared for one anotherLeft without a buffer she's the one who has to sufferAnd find her way alone in the worldJust some ideas. Thanks! I'll definitely use some of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 4, 2013 Members Share Posted January 4, 2013 Justin - the way you are telling your story reminded me of Paul Simon's song. Have a listen to the way he does it and also his commentary of the situation at the very end. The overall structure may be of use to you. What you've got musically thus far is great - I really like the descending riff at the end of the verses and how it ends in an unexpected and unresolved place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 4, 2013 ^i love that song. He is just a superb songwriter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted January 4, 2013 Members Share Posted January 4, 2013 I really like your melody on this one. It's very fresh and interesting - unpredictable without being strange. Lyrically, I think the two verses are great. I think your original words are better than LCK's suggestions, which drift a little too close to triteness for my taste (sorry, Lee). However, I think the third stanza (bridge?) is a little too much of a tell, and also too much of a well-worn story. I'd look for a way to make it a little less direct and a little more interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members leftyaxeman Posted January 4, 2013 Members Share Posted January 4, 2013 Nice job man. Hope you don't mind a newbie commenting. I'm out of place on here anyway, a rocker on a singer/songwriter forum, but I really liked the vocal, also did you do the backing vocals also, because they sounded great. For some reason, to me, it sounds like something John Lennon could've written for Double Fantasy. Again great job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 4, 2013 ^We need more rockers here. Welcome.... And thanks. I did the backing vox as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members leftyaxeman Posted January 4, 2013 Members Share Posted January 4, 2013 ^Thanks for the welcome, keep up the great work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted March 11, 2013 Members Share Posted March 11, 2013 Bot bump for bee3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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