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  • Beauty Crown

    Here's a new one... just the start of it. Not sure where it's going yet... it's a half-baked idea at this point.



    http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12087268



    Beauty Crown



    She refused the beauty crown

    Dropped her flowers, ripped her gown

    Left alone and then she headed into town



    She feels better with a drink

    Helps her when she doesn't think

    It's so tragic that her life is on the brink



    Her father never loved her, nor did her mother

    In fact they never really cared for one another

    So their little girl is the one who has to suffer

    And find her way alone in the world

  • #2
    great start



    Some questions to help you hone in the story



    Why was she in the pageant if she was just going to refuse the beauty crown?

    Did something maybe happen along the way that made her change her mind?

    Are you sure her mother and father never loved her or did she just not feel it?
    ...

    Comment


    • #3
      In my head, I was thinking it was more of a homecoming queen kind of thing... she didn't really have a choice. May have to adjust that.



      Unsure of the mother/father love thing yet. How can a mother and father not love their kid? Maybe I'll go with her not feeling it... I have to believe there is some humanity left in this world.

      Comment


      • #4
        Love It ^^^^^^^^^^^^



        She refused to take the news sitting down

        Till, in tears, her knees fell to the ground

        Sometimes life passes without a sound

        There was no use trying to talk her down

        Nothing to cling to... not even... a Beauty Crown
        __________
        Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

        Comment


        • #5
          ^Nice ideas there LK. Keep em coming.

          Comment


          • #6
            What does it mean when the homecoming queen can only think of when she can leave
            ...

            Comment


            • #7






              Quote Originally Posted by rhino55
              View Post

              What does it mean when the homecoming queen can only think of when she can leave




              That's pretty awkwardly worded! I'm not sure what you mean if you're directing it to me.

              Comment


              • #8






                Quote Originally Posted by bee3
                View Post

                That's pretty awkwardly worded! I'm not sure what you mean if you're directing it to me.




                lol... nope. There is a lyric in here somewhere.



                As she left she screamed

                you tell me what it means

                when the homecoming queen's

                only hope is to leave
                ...

                Comment


                • #9






                  Quote Originally Posted by rhino55
                  View Post

                  lol... nope. There is a lyric in here somewhere.



                  As she left she screamed

                  you tell me what it means

                  when the homecoming queen's

                  only hope is to leave




                  I "saw" the idea you posted. Nice "test" execution as well.
                  __________
                  Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

                  Comment


                  • #10






                    Quote Originally Posted by bee3
                    View Post

                    Here's a new one... just the start of it. Not sure where it's going yet... it's a half-baked idea at this point.



                    http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12087268



                    Beauty Crown



                    She refused the beauty crown

                    Dropped her flowers, ripped her gown

                    Left alone and then she headed into town



                    She feels better with a drink

                    Helps her when she doesn't think

                    It's so tragic that her life is on the brink



                    Her father never loved her, nor did her mother

                    In fact they never really cared for one another

                    So their little girl is the one who has to suffer

                    And find her way alone in the world




                    I really like this song so far. The verses could use a little touching up, not much more.



                    I'm not crazy about "her life is on the brink."



                    I was thinking maybe...



                    She refused the beauty crown

                    Dropped the flowers, ripped her gown

                    Left the stage and hit the nearest bar in town



                    She feels better when she drinks

                    Helps her cope, or so she thinks

                    If you asked her she would tell you that life stinks



                    Her father never loved her, nor did her mother

                    In fact they never really cared for one another

                    Left without a buffer she's the one who has to suffer

                    And find her way alone in the world




                    Just some ideas.
                    “I think you make yourself an antenna for songs, and songs want to be around you. And then they bring other songs along, and then they’re all sittin’ around, and they’re drinking your beer, and they’re sleeping on the floor.” —Tom Waits

                    Comment


                    • #11






                      Quote Originally Posted by LCK
                      View Post

                      I really like this song so far. The verses could use a little touching up, not much more.



                      I'm not crazy about "her life is on the brink."



                      I was thinking maybe...



                      She refused the beauty crown

                      Dropped the flowers, ripped her gown

                      Left the stage and hit the nearest bar in town



                      She feels better when she drinks

                      Helps her cope, or so she thinks

                      If you asked her she would tell you that life stinks



                      Her father never loved her, nor did her mother

                      In fact they never really cared for one another

                      Left without a buffer she's the one who has to suffer

                      And find her way alone in the world




                      Just some ideas.




                      Thanks! I'll definitely use some of that.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Justin - the way you are telling your story reminded me of Paul Simon's song.

                        Have a listen to the way he does it and also his commentary of the situation at the very end.

                        The overall structure may be of use to you.



                        What you've got musically thus far is great - I really like the descending riff at the end of the verses and how it ends in an unexpected and unresolved place.






                        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCFTHhcvRT0
                        'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                        CHARLIE PARKER

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          ^i love that song. He is just a superb songwriter.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I really like your melody on this one. It's very fresh and interesting - unpredictable without being strange.



                            Lyrically, I think the two verses are great. I think your original words are better than LCK's suggestions, which drift a little too close to triteness for my taste (sorry, Lee). However, I think the third stanza (bridge?) is a little too much of a tell, and also too much of a well-worn story. I'd look for a way to make it a little less direct and a little more interesting.
                            Beware of deepities.-- Daniel Dennett

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Nice job man. Hope you don't mind a newbie commenting. I'm out of place on here anyway, a rocker on a singer/songwriter forum, but I really liked the vocal, also did you do the backing vocals also, because they sounded great. For some reason, to me, it sounds like something John Lennon could've written for Double Fantasy. Again great job.
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