Please listen to/comment on my new song

I tried to write a relatively standard (verse/chorus/bridge) rock song, here

Thought I'd share the story behind this song. I had a very close female friend who wound up running with the wrong crowd. She got into drugs, and she went downhill. She moved away and then years later, she showed up at my place, saying she was clean. Nope.

Lyrics:

I won't show

What you can't see

We'll go back home and re-write history

You're back again

It's like you never left

Got no hope for what

We used to be

You gave up so god damn

Easily

Hating now because

It's plain to see

When I'm not with you

Then it's killing me

So wake up now before I

Close my eyes and

Wander out of mind and

Shoot up in the night

So don't pretend it's real

Hey, niceguy! Haven't seen you around the songwriting forum before, I don't think. If that's the case, Welcome!

The SW forum is mostly devoted to talking about the art and craft of songwriting and offering assistance with feedback and constructive criticism on works on new songs and other works in progress.

Like so much in life -- what you get out of it will likely depend on what you put in...

I hope you'll share your insight with others when they're looking for critiques -- it's a great way to let people get to know you.

And the more that people know you as someone who is willing to help out, the more eager they'll be to help you when you're looking for some good ol' constructive crit.

OK... I've listened to "Back Again" and I think you've succeeded at your stated goal.

The lyrics are intriguing -- I think it was an interesting and potentially fruitful choice to pick the junkie ex-'s point of view to tell the song through.

The first thought of most writers would probably tell the story through the POV of the wounded ex-boyfriend -- but that so often results in a one or two dimensional portrait of a cypher.

Here you've made a choice where you can reveal some of her inner workings -- a much richer vein to mine, it seems to me.

I think I would have like to have seen even more of her inner workings -- but getting inside the head of a junkie (even if the writer has been addicted at some point himself) is, obviously, a very difficult thing. Still, you've managed, I think, to capture much of the swirl of conflicting emotions and desires such a person might have in the circumstance.

With regard to the fit, feel, and flow of the lyrics: they don't flow all that well on paper, but, of course, lyrics were made to be sung.

Which brings me around to one of those this-is-not-the-production-forum-but things: On this mix I heard from your SC page, the distortion of the guitars has so much high end crackle that the vocals have to struggle to try to find a place in the same tonal range -- making them pretty hard to make out. Now, guitar tone is a very personal choice, to be sure -- and in my bad old days I always pretty much just turned every knob but reverb all the way up on my old amp -- but it's my thinking now that a good, distorted wall of guitar probably works best with the high end pulled down some to make room for the part of the tone range that gives the definition and comprehensibility to vocals (as well as making room for high hats and cymbals). But, anyhow, this is not the production forum...

I could imagine you drilling the lyrics in a little or smoothing them up some, but, overall, I think you've got a working song that tells its story pretty well.

thanks for the input!

yep, this is my first foray into the songwriting forum, and I hope to post regularly here.

yes, there's waaaay too much crackle in the guitars, but it's all due to my super-cheap recording setup. The more tracks I record, the more the high-end starts breaking up....but, at this point, my finances are such that I could either upgrade my home-recording setup or I could put that money towards rehearsals, studio time, band expenses, etc.

you're dead-on right about having a hard time "getting into her head" to write the lyrics, b/c while I do understand a lot of what happened with her, it's only a fraction of what she went through. but I'll try to sharpen my lyrics in the future.

I'd pretty much agree with B2B's comments. I think it's well done other than the production issues.

KAC

Yeah, I definitely think you made the right choice in taking the addict's point of view. I've heard/read so many lyrics from the aggrieved non-addict victim's point of view that really never go anwhere... you know: she's a demon, a harlot, a temptress... hmm... come to think of it, I've written more than my share of those, myself.

Anyhow, I think it's a lot more interesting that you're trying to look at it from her point of view -- and that it's a multi-faceted look at her, too -- not just some one dimensional thing. The conflicting desires and motivations are a lot more evocative, I think -- a more complex portrait told through the subject's thoughts and words.

I think it's probably a good technique for a lot of us to experiment with, in terms of extending ourselves or, perhaps, sparking creative explorations.

i like the energy of the song a lot .. it would work with almost any lyrics

i also like the point of view ... if it's not honest, at least it's a good fake =)

thanks! I'm actually going to bring this one to my band and see if we can add it to our set-list.

Hey cool song, cool idea. A bit "done," but aren't most songs? The important part is you did it your way, and managed to take a different angle. Nicely done.

I like how you sing it. The long drawn out vocal parts before the solo weren't my cup of tea, imo, that is the part of the song I would concentrate on perfecting. The solo was great! I loved the delay you put on the guitar. It gave it a third dimension.

Cool ending too, I like how you have more going on in the guitar, similar to your story, where the addict starts one thing, then another, while the vocals are screaming "back again" all of the chaotic stuff is going on in the background, almost a symbol of past mistakes made that are back again, all at once. Either that, or I'm looking far to deep into it.

I like how you let the drums take the song out to the ending. It would have been just too simple to hit a chord and hold it. Or fade out. Everything just mellows out.

Thanks Aaron! I was actually a touch proud of that solo, because I forced myself to concentrate on emotion and less on pyrotechnics. So, the solo is made up of about 7 notes!

I'll experiment with that vocal section before the solo, because I want the song to flow. If it's holding up the song, I'll modify/remove it.

yea man i can't hear none of the words, sorry

I am curious as to what you used to record with. What's your setup?

I'm curious because I'm about to build a little home studio myself.

I really liked the song though the production is pretty effects heavy and the vocals could use some doubling up in places but overall great energy.