"Starshine"

I thought the stars/navigation thing was an interesting aspect (and the sail on by seems to invert and reinvent the Evangeline 'two ships passing') but then it's a bit mixed up or indistinct or too difuse, seems to me. The sailing metaphor appears a bit late in things and then we seem to slip back out of it (we end up at home with the lights out).

There are some nice lyrical moves in there but I think it needs to be focused up a little.

I thought the stars/navigation thing was an interesting aspect (and the sail on by seems to invert and reinvent the Evangeline 'two ships passing') but then it's a bit mixed up or indistinct or too difuse, seems to me. The sailing metaphor appears a bit late in things and then we seem to slip back out of it (we end up at home with the lights out). There are some nice lyrical moves in there but I think it needs to be focused up a little.

Thanks for the crit. I agree it's abit scatterbrain with the ideas in places.

The sorta intention I was going for with this piece was that it was like an argument. The first two verses convey the arguement, "hold your statement/grit your teeth", but despite all that she's the brightest thing in his life at the moment. Then the middle eight turns it around and says "Well you may be the brightest star in the sky, but there's always other stars"", then the third verse grounds it, with the after argument lamentation of walking around the city at night.

Bleh, maybe I should simplify my songs possibly.

I think you have a very good start on a "love song" that avoids cliches. However the following lines are not my faves, and either seem too far away from the rest, invoke questions as to the meaning or seem a bit less compared to the rest....

Taped up mouth,

Hold the statement,

And I