2 songs

Two songs that you can listen to. Any insight/critiques would be welcome.

http://www.thirteenbirds.com/mp3/magpiesweets.mp3

http://www.thirteenbirds.com/mp3/fallbrookiscrippled.mp3

I've listened to these songs a few times the last couple days, trying to decide what I think of them. Firstly, I'll say I like 'Fallbrook is Crippled' better of the two. Of all the songs on your site, I like 'Western Ways' the best by far. I like the words of that one and your vocal melody works well.

In general, since you didn't post lyrics I'll try to critique the songs as a whole although it's obviously not finished since it's all basically acoustic, one vox, maybe one solo gtr. Your lyrics are the best part IMO. Overall it's got a very 'The Band' feeling. The chord changes are not always comfortable and sounds like some of out of key 1/2 tone changes. Doesn't make it wrong, but you'll lose a general audience with that. Vocally, I like your timbre, but you're using some amateur techniques which you should overcome (ex. from Fallcreek: "orange, black and ah-hash".. don't make extra 'h' syllables). I'm a horrible singer myself, but I do it anyways... just trying to pass on stuff I've been told.

my recommendations are:

-relax a LOT in your vocal presentation. You're pushing for vibrato very hard. As a suggestion, check out some Mark Knopfler to get the idea of taking it down a notch while still keeping your mood.

-Try a few more traditional chord changes maybe. If not, just try some chord changes you don't usually use and see if it doesn't give you a different feel for the song.

-Pick up a cheap bass and lay down another track on the bottom. I record a lot of clips and if I end up going back to work on one, the first thing I do is lay down a bass line to thicken it up. It gives me more to work over with the vocal line.

The bottom line, for me- it's not something I would put on repeat, but I hear the core of a song. I think they need some reworking if you want to reach the average listener. Flesh them out and make the music resolve better.

Favorite lyric:

oh sister, I'm a tired animal,

a trapped and tired thing

Thanks for the thorough response, and sorry for the late reply. I was out of town. First off, here are the lyrics -- I lost my electronic files and am lazy re: retyping.

Fallbrook is Crippled

Lotta people gonna lose their homes

Lotta folks ain't gonna have nowhere

There's a hot fire coming

A western fire at the end of the world

Oh sister I'm a tired animal

A trapped and tired thing

Orange, black, and ash

I heard they cancelled the mail

Let's hear it for wickedness

Let's hear it for tomorrow

The markets -- they'll stumble

I'm toppled; I'm stalled

Gonna burn us to the ocean

Gonna turn us, turn us to snow

There's a hot fire coming

Fallbrook is crippled. Fallbrook is lost.

Magpie Sweets

Transit and travel mean a lot to me

Stations and crossings

All railmen will agree

Lotta things out there can take you down

Like the North Atlantic Sea

Set off East or Westwards

Wind up just the same

Betchoo all have heard

It goes by another name

Wind up drained and flat and toothless

And painted on the floor

Michael, I'm at the payphone

I'm feeling so forlorn

I'm eating magpie sweets

But I'm sure they're keeping score

Thanks for the comparison to the Band. I'm probably stealing a fair amount from the same sources they were using.

I suppose that I don't always "normal up" my changes -- I listen to a fair amount of "non mainstream" pop and rock where that sort of stuff is par for the course. I should play around with some less off-putting approaches.

And thanks for the points on the vocals. I can be a bit twitchy and sloppy. You've given me some specific stuff to work on.

As for the bass parts, I'm typically the bassist when I play in bands. As such, I've developed a weird habit of not putting bass on anything I do for myself. Maybe I should quit being strange about it.

Thanks, though.

Heh, I re-read my post before I read your response, and it occurred to me to stop assuming what ppl have or not. Recommending a cheap bass to a bassist is a bit ridiculous. Anyways, I agree with something you posted on my thread about nonlinear/vague lyrics- I like them a lot also, and the mystery to it, the imagination required to get something out of it, and the great thing of everyone's experience from the song being different. I mention it because you've got some of these elements in your lyrics and it just makes it more enjoyable.

I agree with Sentry - the lyrics though tell a story have enough "mystery" to make the listener interpret. You sound like Squeeze from the 70's...

I rerecorded the vocals on both tracks -- they were too hot in the mix and I couldn't fix 'em. Opinions appreciated.

I came back to this after two tracks of synth pop - kind of a tough transition. Once again, I like the chord progression but think that the melody could use a little work. Part of it might be the Jonathan Richman vocals. Lead guitar is pretty sketchy, might cut that.