I lost myself

When Stick posted the December challenge, I thought that it offered an opportunity for a double-layered lyric. But I'm not religious, so I thought I'd give it a miss.

However, I saw Rick's comment on Lee's thread of his version, so I thought I might scribble anyway.

What came out was fairly spontaneous, and apart from having the double layer, it has the 1st half in one mood and the 2nd half in another mood.

In its present form, it's a sort of stream-of-consciousness poem. Could someone please highlight a few lines that might be usable as a song, and I'll see if I can take it somewhere.

Thanks.

I found you

Wrapped in a ragged coat of words

I manufactured my own myth

And breathed deep

Of the pungent perfume of my self

A paper rose, a hybrid bloom

The closer I look, the less I see

That the door of free will

Is closed to me.

A winter rose hard with frost

And I am lost.

The sunflower turns its face

To the light that lets it grow.

It has no school to tell it so

So how does it know,

How does it know,

The light will make it grow?

I know from where love comes,

But where to does it go?

For a moment the heart is full,

Then empty - ebb and flow

I know from where love comes,

But where to does it go?

The day I lost

The day I lost

The day I lost myself

The closer I look, the less I see

That the door of xxx

Is closed to me.

A winter rose hard with frost

And I am lost.

I like this bit a lot. The rest, as you say, feels like a poem. But this above, minus the term free will, which feels more anchor than spring for song, really works. It has rhythm. It bounces in time. Winter rose hard with frost is almost erotic on the tongue. Nothing personal. Good stuff.

Maybe the door of choice?

The closer I look, the less I see That the door of xxx Is closed to me. A winter rose hard with frost And I am lost. I like this bit a lot. The rest, as you say, feels like a poem. But this above, minus the term free will, which feels more anchor than spring for song, really works. It has rhythm. It bounces in time. Winter rose hard with frost is almost erotic on the tongue. Nothing personal. Good stuff. Maybe the door of choice?

Thanks Lee - that's just what I need.

I didn't think about writing this, and I don't want to think too much about editing and refining.

I'll anchor a song around the piece you suggest.

I mean - if there's a line that's almost erotic on the tongue, it would be a shame to leave it to gather dust.

It may morph into a philosophical musing rather than bothering the Captain.

I agree this is coming across more like a poem than a song

(I'd use this as your opening verse. I think it is a great opening line)

Wrapped in a ragged coat

I manufactured my own myth

And breathed deep

Of the paper rose, the hybrid bloom (it might be better to work something in here that rhymes with myth)

(I'd call this the chorus)

The closer I look, the less I see

The door is closed to me

A winter rose hard with frost (Winter rose is pretty, but it might make more sense to reference paper here)

And I am lost.

In subsequent verses I'd follow the same pattern established in the first.

Descriptive opening line

Personal pronoun and how what ever it represents responds to the myth fabrication.

A couple of actions

I'd do that 2 more times and maybe add a bridge

nice ^

Great stuff - many thanks to Lee & rhino.

I'm fascinated by the process. I've done nothing thus far but pound the keys for an initial 20 minutes.

Then 2 competent songwriter / editors have taken the raw material and said, how about you take these bits for a walk. I love it - writing without my head.

It reinforces the old adage - 'Write with your heart - edit with your head'.

BTW - I tend never to write songs in the first instance. I usually bang out ideas and metaphors in prose or occasional rhyming verse. It keeps the intellect in its kennel.

I tackle the crafting of the song with the raw material later.

Manufactured.......is such a long and complicated word.

I built my own myth

Hmmm......I guess I'm going to have to call my dog from its kennel and start writing this song.(And tell him not to chase long and complicated 4-syllable words.... ).

Sat-is-fac-tion.......however did they make that one fly?

But you're right Lenny. I like the idea of someone manufacturing their own myth whilst clad only in a ragged coat of words, but you just can't sing that.