You Can Have a Lucky Day

Update 1/30/2012 Song added, new lyrics posted.

You Can Have a Lucky Day

© 2012 Rick Dieffenbach

V1:

I was walking on the beach

When this beauty said to me

Can you rub some lotion on my back and are you free?

Then I said oh yes I can

And then I said oh yes I am

Let me rub this lotion on your back

===================

CHORUS:

A Lucky Day

My Lucky Day

I want to say

I want to say

It isn't every day that such good luck does come my way

A Lucky Day

My Lucky Day

I want to say

I want to say

Joys of joys this is my lucky day

NOTE: The following words are sung at the same time during the chorus, the above in one channel and the below in the other.

You can have a lucky day

If it can happen to me

It can happen to you

and when you find your lucky way

It makes you want to sing and shout hooray!

===========================================

V2:

A paper sack was on the street

I picked it up from the concrete

Inside I found enough cash for a Maserati

All those thousand dollar bills

They sure did give me a thrill

The paper bag had brought good luck to me

(CHORUS)

(Brief Instrumental) - Kazoo!

(BRIDGE)

V3:

I was strumming this guitar

I wasn't getting very far

Playing corny songs at some smoked out and dingy bar

Then this man heard me play

He said I'll sign you today

Is a million dollar cash advance ok?

(CHORUS)

Spoken:

Keep the change

I'm just giving you a warning this time

Today it's free

It's benign

I found your wallet

You owe us nothing

You've won!

That blond over there just asked me for your name

Very clever, very interesting lyric.

As usual though, you've put too many words in some of the lines.

The trick, Rick, is to make it sound conversational. Would someone who wants suntan oil rubbed on her back ask to have it rubbed "upon" her back? No. Does this sound conversational: "do you know what I did see?" I don't think so.

The other problem is lines and phrases like "I saw some garbage on the street, I picked it up to make it neat." You're making the garbage neat? That's what it sounds like you mean, and it doesn't make any sense. Same with "smoked and dingy bar." Smoky? Yes. Smoked? That doesn't make any sense.

You're clearly on a songwriting tear, and you've exhibited a terrific learning curve on some of these issues. But these are some things that I think tend to keep showing up.

Again, though, a very clever idea for a song. And well done for the most part.

LCK

LCK - great feedback. I will concentrate on on the conversational/less wordy thought!

Rick

Each of these phrases has syntax that real humans don't use. If you wouldn't say it, you shouldn't sing it.

Can you rub this oil upon my back and are you free? (on)

Let me rub this oil upon your back (on)

It isn't every day that such good luck does come my way (comes)

I glanced inside the bag and do you know what I did see? (what I saw) you get to fix the rhyme there,

And that did give me a thrill (gave)

I think syntax stuff has been covered pretty well already. I think that is mainly what needs to be addressed for this to work.

I'm also not sure about how I feel about 3 verses giving examples of incredible luck and a chorus that tries to make it seem like this person isn't lucky all the time.

What might be fun would be to add a bridge that explains how this person got crabs from the girl on the beach, the mob came after him for finding their money, and now he is a crazy amount of debt to a record label with a growing coke habit still waiting for his lucky day.

You cynical bastard.

Of course you're right. That would make for a nice turnaround.

LCK

That's me.

A few years ago I tried writing a song about luck. I had great start but never finished....

New thread ahoy!

... ah.. I think that will have to be a future version.

I have posted the actual song. See top post for link.

Thanks all or ideas and suggestions. There have been a ton of changes, and hopefully, an equal weight of improvement.

Rick

You're having fun aren't you Rick?

The music and lyric support each other well in a nice oompah sort of way.

A lot of songs have lyrics with neutral music that could also support a quite different lyric.

I think the closeness of music and lyric goes a long way to contribute to the strength of a song.

You're being ridiculously prolific - so what have you got for us tomorrow?.........:poke:

Got to agree with all the comments above - there "were" a few issues but you have sorted them

Song plods along nicely... i think the bridge is a tad too long? Or maybe you could introduce some la la la's or something just to break it up a bit?

Aside from that its another great song and you really ARE cranking them out right now

Keep doing it , these periods of inspiration can leave after a while and then return at a later date

p.s this song is a lot tighter in the playing than the previous song and it really shows - top work!

Nice tune.

Here's another thing to add to your list of how to writing conversationally. Pay attention to the prosody.

What does that mean? Basically it means the stress placed on the syllables sung to music.

Look at the way you sing concrete and Maserati, then think about the way you'd say those words when talking to someone. They're entirely different. (You sing con-CRETE, whereas in speech you would say CON-crete; you sing Mas-er-a-TI, where in speech you would say Mas-er-AT-i.)

The same holds true not just for single words, but for how one would normally stress certain words in conversation.

LCK

@oldgitplayer - - Lots of fun. It is firing off those endorphins quite nicely for me.

@Stick - - thanks for that feedback about the tightness. What you said in a post for my prior song I payed attention to. I did build out the bridge since your listen and had a bit of fun with it.

LCK - Thanks thanks thanks... you are spot on... that bit of wisdom (and lyric writing insight) wasn't on my radar before, but it is now! And has been added to my list. Thanks.