Make Me Forget You: WIP

The beginning may not really tie into the overall theme but I think it's an interesting first line. I could make it more applicable if I were to start out by saying something like: She used to say" etc...

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=960990&songID=11771036

Make Me Forget You

A shooting star must have been

Shot from a very large gun

While this one-way street was paved

By a man so stubborn

A barista is just a bartender

Who can

Love how you drop in every once in a while and blow me away with one of your tunes. You should come by more often.

This is great... love the Smiths and Cure reference. For once, I'll offer a rare lyrical comment.

Whatever it is

I

You are a genuine artist, Deric. I've yet to not become invested in one of your pieces.

I don't know if the vocal is just a rough take, but IMO it wasn't up to your usual standards. Beyond the intonation issues in the higher register, you seemed to.... whine(?) a lot in the delivery. I wish I knew more about the technical aspects of singing to explain it better, but that is all I can come up with.

But the song is terrific.

Excellent. I love the crying sound in your voice, though that seems to have put off Oswlek a little.

The build-up to the let-down at the end is terrific.

That said, since I'm a perfectionist, I think the lyric still needs a little work -- just a little -- in 2 spots.

Your opening is terrific; it's a great set-up but it lands on a clinker, or at least a head-scratcher.

A shooting star must have been

Shot from a very large gun

While this one-way street was paved

By a man so stubborn.

"By a man so stubborn?" Is that supposed to relate to the singer? I'm not sure what that relates to. It sounds like you just threw in the word "stubborn" as a semi-rhyme. For one thing, in normal conversation one wouldn't use that construction: "a man so stubborn." You'd just say "the street was paved by a stubborn man."

There are lots of clever ways to say the same thing (whatever it is), in ways that actually rhyme, or at least come closer. You could fool around with words that end in ion, such as

this one way street was paved

by a man with no direction.

or

by a guy who lacks direction.

Both of those ideas came just off the top of my head. There are plenty of ion words that would work better than stubborn IMO.

The other line I think needs work is here:

And The Cure is not the cure for

whatever it is I'm going through.

Again, it seems as if that last line is there just to strain for a rhyme with "June."

"Whatever it is I'm going through?" Unless he's being coy or ironic, I think this guy knows exactly what he's going through. He's certainly thinking about it a lot.

Other than that, though, excellent song. I really, really like it.

And please do drop by more often...

LCK

Yes yes YES love this.

By all means have a look at LCKs suggestions but for me im already sold.

Sounds like something I would listen to at home even if you hadn't appeared on this forum.

Love the vocal delivery, kinda reminds me of clem snide (you know them? check them out if not).... also has a kinda REM feel to it

Just pure class.

Love it.

Looking at LCKs suggestions again (i think his "top of the head" alt is great for the first bit)

And maybe this

I

I gotta say. I wouldn't change this:

And The Cure is not the cure for

Whatever it is

I

In regards to the "man so stubborn" line, I actually like that line. It is a reference to the singer. His stubbornness is partially the reason he feels why the relationship failed. As far as it not being the way we usually speak, I don't have a problem with that. In fact I like it when artists say things in a way that is unusual. As long as I can understand the basic message. We're artists right? We're supposed to do things differently. I'm not overly concerned either with it not rhyming perfectly. IMHO it's within the family of acceptable options.

The one thing that I am seriously considering changing is the ending of the Cure line. I think the. I think the current manifestation is a bit coy or maybe a better word would be "confused" or even "disoriented" I think is even more accurate. Shocked, dazed and confused by all the emotions flowing through him. Why did she leave, how could

She do this to me? I feel like I have to let you go but I'm scared to start over. All these emotions hitting him at once and like Mr. Knight said you can be looking at a stop sign and just roll right on through. The subconscious brain overwhelms the conscience brain and your stuck trying to exxon to the cop why you failed to stop? The ternative is more direct and typical but do I want to be direct and typical that is the question?

Stinking spell check. Note to self; don't post from cell phones.

If you don't mind, I'll make my pitch on this one more time.

When I was in film school, studying the art of screenwriting with a very wise teacher, he drilled it into us that the lines we liked the most were the ones we really needed to change or cross out. Of course, in the real world a director, producer or actor will come along and change those lines anyway.

But after a while we all began to realize how right he was because while no one could see that as a necessity in their own favorite lines, we could see it very clearly in another writer's material.

By the way, I like it when artists say something in an unusual way too. For instance, Dylan's tag line from "My Back Pages" -- "I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now..." -- fits that to a tee. It's a head-scratcher the first time you hear it, but then you "get" what he's saying and it's brilliant. But "a man so stubborn" is really just reversing the normal word order so you can end on a "sort-of" rhyme.

Anyway, that's how I see it.

LCK

For God sakes why?!?!?! I think that's got to be hyperbole to make the point that we shouldn't get too attached to our work and to keep an open mind with regards to rewriting. But saying our favorite has got to go?

There was a great interview on Terry Gross' Fresh Air with the movie Margaret's writer/director Kenneth Lonergan. Gross comments on the difference between two different edits of the same film (both by Lonergan) and how it pointed out to her the multitude of choices a writer, editor, director must face. And "How do you know the choice you're making is the right choice?"

His answer was great. He made the point that all you can do is make choices you like. And when faced with outside input, you really needed to keep focus on what you like. To use the input if you choose, but always through your filter of sensibilities.

I immediately thought of this forum here. Input is so helpful, but it must always go through the author's labyrinth of choice and aesthetic.

So the idea that my favorite line is somehow on the chopping block because of the fact that it is my favorite? I don't like that. Not one bit. It goes against what I know of my process. It's complicated enough, but planning on axing my favorite by route?

Yikes almighty!

So the idea that my favorite line is somehow on the chopping block because of the fact that it is my favorite? I don't like that. Not one bit. It goes against what I know of my process. It's complicated enough, but planning on axing my favorite by route? Yikes almighty!

Believe me, I know.

And it's not necessarily something that should be done by rote; it's just something to consider. And even for me, when I get feedback that one of my pet lines has to go, I don't always listen.

It's a very hard thing to let go of.

And like I said, it's a bit different in screenwriting than it is in songwriting.

LCK

That's how that's ^^^ spelled? I've had that wrong forever. I just looked it up and... thank you!

BTW, good point about it being something to consider. That's kind of a cool idea and exercise then.

Here's the thing LCK. While I like the line under scrutiny it's not my favorite line. The opening line is my favorite, along with the line, "why are the saddest songs our favorite ones". Now if I were to apply the recommendation of your professor I'd have to scrap one of those lines or perhaps both. Now maybe in film the rules are different because we are trying to tell stories and be realistic in our approach in how we communicate our message. So writing lines that follow our most typical way of expression would be advantageous. But I believe there's a big difference between script writing and song writing. The former is more restricted than the latter. At least that's how I see it, right or wrong.

Having written both I'd say it's the other way around. You have far more leeway in writing a film script, fewer constraints, and a lot more flexibility in what you can have your characters do and say.

LCK

I once wrote a choose your own adventure book when I was 12. Does that count for anything?

Yes! It counts for a lot!

LCK