Sleep in Peace - an idea

Had some time in my hotel this morning and came up with this...  off to catch a train!  Anything here?

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Fantastic idea for a song. Fantastic 1st draft of the lyric. The music is really cool. But... as it stands right now, the lyric and music don't work together yet. I don't mean the tone of it. I mean where the music is forcing your lyric beats to land. It's not doing you lyric any favors.

I love the lyric. I think letting that lyric run through your head for a day to let it find its internal groove, that will in turn help to drive your music more appropriately. It's all there. The two, lyric and music, just haven't coalesced yet. 

Do you think it's possibly not jiving because I'm not that string at playing and singing at the same time? I picture a quirky, funky little arrangement... with cool stops and accents where the lyric can fit in.

Not that strong... Is what I meant.

I thought of that when I listened. That may be... but the rhythmic drive of the lyric appears to be mildly misplaced. However, I've heard things in my head and not got them right on my demo and everyone is pointing out something and I know I've got it my head and it will be right later. Soon. 

So, like I say, I'd go through your day think/singing your lyrics to find that pocket. The cadence of the lyric is cool. It doesn't feel like you're letting that natural cadence lead. So take a day and find it. In yer noggin.  

Go through the lines. Print out a copy and keep them in your shirt pocket. That always helps my lyric lay right.

So you think the chords work? And the rhythm is misplaced?

I think the chords are very interesting. I like your slant on it. It was a surprise, the I, II progression. But it's cool. I'd run with it.

Specifically, it feels like you're being forced into cramming syllables in to a small place. But, that can be fantastic when that crafty little rhythm fires like a machine gun on speed. So, I'd map out the little obstacles and learn to dance through them effortlessly.

Get the melodic rhythm right on its own. I think there's still an opportunity to refine through repetition. But that's just the way I work... 

Got it. Yeah... needs a ton of repetition to nail it. This is at the 'I just wrote it and sang it only twice before recording it' stage.

Of course. My point is that, by repetition, you not only get if down, you also tend to refine the writing. It seems that some of the phrases you were going for were not necessarily what you might end up with if you start running it through your head. You might drop a word here or there, you might change a word so it sings better and easier and cooler.

And I'm not about to suggest I know where those issues are. I think allowing some of your innate musicality to refine it is going to be where this one is at.

One lyric comment. The only thing that felt out was the word "fresh". It felt al little too feminine hygiene commercial-esque.

^It sang better than 'when I wake up like a douche...'

BOOM!

BOOM!

Hey I like this a lot, what a nice sweet vibe.I wish I could write sweet, lilting stuff like this.  Your voice suits it. 

I agree with most of the above, you probab;y just need to live with it and practice it and maybe slice off a word or two to make it sing better.

The one thing that is weak to me is that in your chorus you sing DREEEEEEAAAAAM on a long note and that's great because it's an important word and when you're holding it we all know you're saying "dream," but the second half you hold REEEEEEEAAAAAAAALLLLL-y which is a) a filler word, not important and b) unclear because you don't get the suffix until the end.  You could do this mid-verse but I think in the chorus the words have to count more.

I would also be sure in the arrangment you distinguish the chorus a bit, I didn't realize that's what it was until the end of the song.  Maybe you repeat a line at the end of the chorus to underscore everything?

My take, nice stuff.

(Oh, and thanks for telling me about this board on HSC!)

I thought that. I think with "practice" the cadence can be worked out pretty well (with minor tweaks). 

Great idea.