Return of the infamous "Joke" thread...

[bassthumpintwin]

When to Chinese people go to the dentist?

2:30

get it?

Tooth-Hurty?

ba-dum. chsshhhhh

[chunky-b]

Sorry it's so long:

Small little rural town in Alabama... Has two churches in town. One Baptist and one Methodist. The Baptist church has a pastor that has been there for years and is very wise on how the town operates. Young Methodist preacher comes to town and the two make friends. Since the town is small and the Methodist preacher is young, he rides a bike around town. The two preachers got in the habit of meeting on a park bench in the town square on every Saturday morning and discussing things.
One Saturday the young Methodist preacher shows up on foot. The Baptist preacher asks, "Where's your bike?" He responds, "I think it got stolen." The older, wiser Baptist preacher says, "I tell you how to get it back. Tomorrow morning you preach on the ten commandments and when you get to 'thou shalt not steal' just really bare down on them and whoever took it will get to feeling guilty and bring it back."
Next Saturday morning the Methoidist preacher comes riding up on his bicycle. The Baptist minister says, " Well I see you got your bike back. Did you preach on the ten commandments? Did you get to 'thou shalt not steal' and really put the fear of God in them?"
The young preacher replied, "Well, sort of... I got to 'thou shall not commit adultery and remembered where I left it!"

[Les_Izzmor]

My kids love this one.

Q: What's invisible and smells like bananas?
A: Monkey farts.

[bassman1956]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS

AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

 

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS

AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST

TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING

TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW

THE DIFFERENCE.'

 

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD

MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

 

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU

KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

 

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

 

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE

TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

 

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS

A WITCH.'

 

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

 

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON

THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE

FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY

TEETH WITH HER!'

[hawkhuff]

Two guys are waiting for their golf buddy to tee off one morning. To their dismay he doesn't show. At the same time a guy walks up and tells them he hasn't a partner so they ask him to join them on the first tee. The guy say, "OK" and off they go.

The first nine holes went well and all were having a good time. Both the guys see this new guy as nice enough so one of them says to him, "so what do you do for a living?"

He replies, "I am a hit man."
"Git out, a hit man?" says one of the players in disbelief.
"Yep, sure am", he says cooly. "You guys want to see my hardware?"

There is a brief moment of silence, when the other player says, "OK , sure, I'll bite, let's see it."

So, he goes to a side pocket on his golf bag and pulls out the parts to a high powered rifle with a scope and deftly puts them together and shows them.

"Wow, can I see that?" says one of the golfers.

So he takes the rifle and holds it then points it in different directions. Then he says, "This is nice, I can see my house from here and there is my wife in the bedroom. Wait, she's naked........ and there's my next door neighbor with her! He's naked too!"

He then angrily turns to the hit man and says. "How much to take them out?"

Without hesitation the hit man says, "One thousand for each."

"Good! I have two thousand right here, I want you to shoot my wife in the mouth", he said, "cause she never shuts her {censored}in' trap".

"OK", says the hit man.

"And shoot my neighbor's cock off so he will never use it again, the bastard."

The hit man squats down and takes aim.

After a long pause the golfer says, "what are you waiting for? Aren't you going to take the shot? You really aren't a hit man, are you?!"

The hit man says, "hold on, hold on...... I think I can save you a grand."

[sludgebass69]

A mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender says "we don't serve your kind in here" to which the mushroom replies "awe come on, I'm a fun guy"

[frunobulax]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
& nbsp;
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."

Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR


Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to th e toilet.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to tak e a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First , she called on little Suzie, who res ponded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mu mmy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTIN G OLDE R


Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

[slapthefunkyfour]

MOAR!!

[FreestyleIntruder]

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next little Lucy offers to tell her story Lucy, and she says,
"Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies,
"Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says,
"My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer." "Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Johnny replies,
"Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking

[bassthumpintwin]

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next little Lucy offers to tell her story Lucy, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched." Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer." "Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Johnny replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking

 

 

 

bwahahahah:thu:

[BigPigPeaches]

What sound does a baby in a microwave make?


I don't know either, I was too busy jacking off.

[xdamagexx]

my sister bought a new car stereo the other day. ( the kind that u can talk to) when she says rock it plays rock, when she says rap it plays rap. a couple days ago she was driving through the neighborhood and a couple kids ran out infront of her car while she was driving and she yelled "{censored}in kids" and the radio played Micheal Jackson....


what does Micheal Jackson and Wal-Mart have incommon?

little boys pants half off...


what is MJ's fantasy?? to have his way with twenty nine year olds...


A blond goes into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "anheuser-bush?" to which the blond replies "fine and how is your cock?"....

i went to the gas station today and asked for $5 worth of gas. the clerk farted and handed me a receipt..

the irony of a blowjob is that even though u got the girl kneeling at your feet, she's still got u by the balls......

Some assholes were just talking {censored} about YOU. sayn u eat dick sandwiches and {censored}. but don't worry i got your back, i told them u don't even like bread!!!!

[zesty brick]

Whats funnier than a dead baby, a dead baby next to a kid with down syndrome.

[zesty brick]

Whats red and crawling up your leg? a homesick abortion.

[NeonVomit]

Why can't Stephen Hawkings dance?

 

Because he's white.

[xdamagexx]

Whats funnier than a dead baby, a dead baby next to a kid with down syndrome.

sorry but didn't even get a smile..

[JacieFB]

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

I've used a variation of this quite often, although I drag it out a bit. I usually tell it like it was my uncle or cousin who owns a farm and was out with the tractor, discing a field. He falls off the tractor and the disc slices his entire left side off.....Conveniently, my cousins do own a farm. It's fun to watch people get completely wrapped up in the story. Half the time they're so into it, that they don't even get the punch line.

[srspud]

Texan cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico. While sipping his
tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He
asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"


The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If
you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save
you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one
and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to
the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor,sometimes the
bull wins."

[bassthumpintwin]

So a guy is in the market for a new riding horse. After looking all over town, he finally finds a guy who is selling a horse.
At first glance the horse is everthing the guy is looking for, so he asks the owner about it.

"Sure!! This is a fantastic horse! It's healthy, has a smooth gait, a nice coat, and I just put a new set of shoes on him!" replies the owner.

"That sounds great!" responded the man. "Stick a saddle on him, I'll take him!"

"Sound's good" said the owner, "but I must warn you: This horse doesnt respond to usual commands like 'giddy up' and 'whoa'. You see, this horse was formerly owned by a preacher, who trained it to go by saying 'Praise the Lord' and to stop by saying 'Amen'. Just remember that and you'll be fine."

So the man buys the horse, saddles up, says "praise the Lord" and starts the long journey home.
As the new horse and his owner are riding home, however, a rattle snake slithers out onto the trail and greatly startles the horse, who takes off at a furious gallop!

Forgetting the words of the seller, he starts yanking back on the reigns trying to stop the horse. "WHOAAA!!!" cries the rider frantically, pleading with this horse to slow down. The rider, seeing that this isn't working yells louder "WHHHOOOAAAA!!!!!!".

Nothing. Then he starts shouting "stop! hault! cease!!!" etc.... ANYTHING to get this horse to stop, but again, nothing is working.

Seeing that the horse is now running head first towards the edge of a cliff, the rider resolves that this is the end and begins to say his final prayers. "Dear God, it looks like this is it, and that we soon will meet unless you intervene. Please, PLEASE save me from disaster Lord.... AMEN!"

Just then, the horse came to a grinding hault, mere inches from the edge of the cliff. Upon seeing that he was no longer going to die, and that he had just witnessed an apparent miracle, he shouted "PRAISE THE LORD"!!!!!

[xdamagexx]

^^^ so never buy anything from a preacher???

[The Gooch]

What does the Pilsbury Dough boy see when he pulls his pants down... his Donuts...

[Hearafter]

Whats funnier than a dead baby, a dead baby next to a kid with down syndrome.

EPIC FAIL


{censored}ing tasteless, dude.

[NeonVomit]

{censored}ing tasteless, dude.

After my Stephen Hawking joke, that's sayin' something

[bassthumpintwin]

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under
the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the
afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
-----curiosity got the best of her and she
lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and
$281,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now
that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there
even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner,
Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, "I
am so sorry! For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into
the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave
in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty
beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very
disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted
to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad
considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So, why do you have all that money
in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash

[In Absentia]

{censored}ing tasteless, dude.

{censored}ing Hilarious and Epic win!!!